Resident Evil: Fable
by Liquid
Summary: See what happens when I use characters from Resident Evil to tell the story of Fable.
1. Life In Oakvale

A long time ago in the forests of Albien, lay the quiet imbred redneck town of Oakvale. There lived a boy named Chris and his family.

The boy spent most of his time daydreaming and would imagine himself as a nobel knight or a powerful wizard, or sometimes he would imagine himself as an evil warrior. But then reality would set in and he would realise how pathetic and stupid he really was.

But none of these daydreams could possibly prepare him for the destiny that awaited him.

"WAKE THE FUCK UP"! Enricho screamed as he grabbed Chris.

He dragged Chris over to the door, and booted him in the ass, giving him a mouthful of dirt once he hit the ground.

"Alright you worthless little bastard". Enricho said as he got to the door. "Today is your worthless whore of a sister's birthday, but I spent the money for her present on booze". "That means that it's up to you". "Now get out there and don't come back until you give that little bitch a present".

Enricho slammed the door shut, and Chris got to his feet. He had no money, but it was now his duty to get a present for his sister, so he would do anything it took.

"Hey, you"! A little girl yelled as she ran toward him.

"Huh"? Chris asked.

"You took Rosie, didn't you"!? "Give me back me teddy bear"!

"What are you talking about"?

She ran faster, and then she tackled him. He screamed as she pulled his hair and clawed him, but then she suddenly stopped.

"Wait a minute". She said as she got up. "I don't even have a teddy bear". "How could you be so mean as to pretend to steal a bear"?

She kicked him in the face and ran off, but as she left a gold coin fell out of her pocket.

"That's one". Chris said as he picked it up.

He got to his feet and walked into town, and there he saw a big guy smacking a little kid around.

"What's going on here"? Chris asked.

"Get this crazy asshole off me"! The kid whined. "He goes around town beating up anyone weaker then him"! "But you look strong, you should teach him a lesson"!

This complement filled Chris with confidence, and he barged up to the little punk ass.

"Hey, asshole"! Chris yelled. "You are you to be picking on people"?

"I'm Evander Holyfield". He replied. "Who the fuck are you"?!

He then punched Chris in the stomach, and uppercutted him, sending him into the dirt. Then Evander Holyfield took the little kid's money, and walked away.

"Thanks alot, dick cheese". The kid said as Chris tried to get up. "You are so fucking worthless, how can you live with yourself"?

The kid then kicked some dirt onto him, and walked away. But as he was walking away, Chris saw a gold coin in the dirt.

"That's two". He said as he picked it up.

He continued walking into town, but stopped when he saw another man running toward him.

"Hey"! He yelled. "Can you do me a favor"?

"Sure". Chris replied.

"I need to...uh...you know...take an ungodly shit". "What I need you to do is stand between these boxes and don't move".

"Ok".

"And whatever you do...don't open the box".

Thunder crashed and dramatic music played.

"What was that music"? Chris asked.

"Who cares"?! The man yelled. "I gotta shit"!

He ran away, and a little kid walked up to Chris.

"I dare you to open the box". He said. "Unless you're too scared". "Unless you're just a little bitch boy".

"NO ONE CALLS ME A CHICKEN"! Chris screamed.

He barged over to the box, and opened the lid, noticing at the last second that the box was labeled: "Danger: Live Tazmanian Devil".

He screamed as he was pulled into the box. Then there was screaming and roaring as the box jumped around, and then it stopped, and Chris was tossed out.

The box then closed itself, and Chris got up just as the man came back.

"Thanks, lad". The man said. "You've been a great help".

He tossed Chris a gold coin.

"That's three". Chris said as he counted. "NOW I CAN GET MY SISTER A PRESENT"!

He ran as fast as he could to where the trader was standing.

"Welcome"! The merchant said. "Got some good things on sale, stranger"!

"Um". Chris replied. "I need to get my sister a present".

"Ah, got some rare things on sale today, stranger". "A box of chocolates guarenteed to put a smile on any sister's face, especially since each one is covered in LSD".

"I'll take them".

"Stranger, they're your's".

Chris took the box of chocolates, and ran up the hill to the small field where his sister was playing with her dolls.

"So, as you can see, malibu barbie". Claire said to her doll. "There is nothing you possess that I cannot take away". "Now watch as your precious ken goes up in flames, MUHAHAHAHA"!

"Hi, Claire"! Chris shouted as he entered the field. "I got you a present".

He walked over to her, and she ripped the box right out of his hands.

"Thank you, Chris". She said as she munched them down. "But don't think for a second that this will get you out of your daily ass kicking".

"I know". He sadly replied as he turned around.

She gave him a swift boot in the ass, and laughed as he ate the dirt.

"Now get the fuck out of my sight"! She yelled.

He started to leave, but she stopped him.

"Wait". She said. "There's something wrong". "You go check it out, Chris".

She pushed him out into the path of a very large fat man.

"Bandits"! The fat man screamed. "I must save the doughnuts"!

Then an arrow went into his back, and he fell on top of Chris, hiding him as the bandits invaded.


	2. The Guild Of Heroes

Evil had come to Oakvale. Bandits wielding whips, chains, and varius sexual torture devices stormed the village, killing everyone they found.

And then they came to the last house, where Chris and his family lived. For it was them that they were searching for.

Enricho was in a drunken binge and was easily killed. The mother and sister were taken away, but even though they were tortured, they couldn't remember where Chris had run off to.

Night fell, and Chris finally managed to push the fat dead guy off of himself.

"Oh my god"! He gasped. "I thought I was gonna die down there"!

He got to his feet and saw that the village was burning, and the screams of villagers filled the night.

"There's somethin wrong here". Chris concluded. "But I just can't put my finger on it".

He decided that the best thing to do was go home, so he stepped over bodies as he ran all the way back to his house.

Enricho was laying dead in front of the house, so Chris knelt down next to him and started crying.

"What are you baulin for"?! Enricho yelled, making Chris jump.

"I thought you were dead". Chris replied.

"I ain't dead, dumbass, I'm just drunk". "And as soon as I get up I'm gonna whoop your

He was interupted by an arrow going into his chest, and Chris looked up to see a bandit runnign toward him with sword raised.

"WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET"! The bandit screamed.

He was about to kill Chris, when some lightning hit his feet, making him fly into a burning house.

"Damn, I missed". Wesker said as he walked toward him. "I mean, er, um, it isn't safe here, we must leave at once".

Chris just looked at him.

"Take my hand". Wesker ordered.

Chris touched his hand, and they teleported to a field. Then Wesker laughed as Chris lost his lunch.

"Quit being a bitch". Wesker said. "You'll have to be stronger then that if you want to survive the hell that is to come".

Chris took a swing at him, but Wesker bitch slapped him.

"Watch it, you little cock clown". He warned. "You may not realise it yet, but I just saved your life". "I am Wesker, head of the guild of heroes". "If you want revenge for your family, you will need the trianing that only we can offer".

Chris followed Wesker down a road, and they eventually arrived at the guild of heroes.

"Wait in that room with the others". Wesker said. "In a few minutes you will meet the guildmaster, who will be in charge of your training".

Chris walked into the room where a bunch of others were waiting.

A few minutes later the doors were kicked open, and the guildmaster walked in.

"Alright retards, listen up". Liquid said. "I am Guildmaster Liquid, your senior drill instructor". "From now on you will speak only when spoken to, and on the rare occasion that I allow your nasty breath to pollute my delicate nasal pasages, the last words out of your filthy sewers will be Guildmaster". "Do I make myself clear"?

"Yes, Guildmaster". They said.

"Bullshit, I can't hear you".

"YES, GUILDMASTER"!

He walked around for a second, and then stopped right in front of Chris.

"What the fuck are you supposed to be"? He asked. "A poor excuse for a circus clown"?

"No, Guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Yeah, whatever". "What the hell is your name, scumbag"?

"Chris Redfield, Guildmaster".

"I don't think I like that name". "From now on your name is Chicken Chaser". "Do you like that name"?

"No, Guildmaster".

Liquid then kicked him in the nuts.

"Perhaps I should explain myself". Liquid said as Chris fell. "When I don't hear people properly, it makes my agent orange act up, and I just start swinging at them". "So, do you like that name"?

"Yes, Guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Good, now get on your feet".

Chris got to his feet as fast as he could.

"Chicken Chaser, you had best unfuck yourself". Liquid warned. "Or I will put you in a dress, and make you work the corner"!

"Yes, Guildmaster".

Liquid walked away and stopped right in front of Jill.

"Who the fuck are you"? He asked.

"Jill Valentine, Guildmaster".

"Do you suck dicks"?

"No, Guildmaster".

"Why not"? "Are you a lesbien"?

"Sometimes, Guildmaster".

"That's the kind of thing that makes my dick harder then chinese arithmetic". "Valentine, I got half a mind to bend you over my desk, and plow you like a field". "Do you like that idea"?

"I'd rather kill myself, Guildmaster".

"Most women would agree with you". "But since you hurt my feelings, you get to bunk with Chicken Chaser". "So stick that in your pipe and smoke it".

He walked away from her, and moved into the center of the room.

"Alright, you silly asses". Liquid continued. "I hope that all of you get lots of sleep tonight, because tomorrow the hard stuff begins".

He walked out and slammed the door, making a picture fall off the wall. Then everyone walked to their rooms, including Jill and Chris.

"That's my bed". Jill said as Chris walked towards one.

"Ok". He said.

He started toward the other one.

"That's my bed, too". She said.

"Then where am I supposed to sleep"? He asked. "The floor"?

"Good idea". "Sleep well, Chicken Chaser".

Jill went to bed, and Chris went to sleep on the floor.


	3. Training Begins

Chris woke up suddenly as someone kicked him in the stomach.

"It's time to wake up". Jill said as she kicked him again. "We're supposed to meet the Guildmaster in the maproom downstairs".

Jill was already gone by the time he got to his feet, so he would have to find the maproom by himself. So he went out the door, down some stairs, and found himself in a shop.

"Welcome"! The merchant shouted.

"Didn't I see you in Oakvale"? Chris asked.

"Oakvale"? "Never heard of it". "Got some good things on sale, stranger"!

"Whatever, see you later".

"Come back anytime".

Chris walked out of the shop, and found himself in a long hallway. At the end of the hallway was a flight of stairs, so he went up.

"The journey's length is of no consequence". Forest said. "My stomach has for too long been seperated from White Castle, and I must get a cheeseburger before I get violent again".

"Are you sure"? Wesker replied. "Some might say that you're just being a bitch". "You know how people talk".

"Talk means nothing to me". "Only the glory of a 30 cheeseburger combo will sate my hunger".

Forest then teleported away, and Wesker walked over to his desk. He then picked up an empty whiskey bottle, and tossed it at Chris.

"You eavsdropping little shit"! He yelled as the bottle shattered against the wall. "Get the fuck out of my room before I smack the shit out of you"!

Chris ran down the stairs, across a bridge, and soon found himself standing right in front of the Guildmaster.

"Well, good morning, sweetheart". Liquid said. "Nice of you to finally grace us with your presence".

"I got lost, Guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Oh, is that all"? "Then all is forgiven".

He then punched Chris in the stomach, dropping him to his knees.

"You little scumbag"! Liquid yelled. "I got your name, I GOT YOUR ASS"! "You will not laugh, you will not cry, and you will not make excuses"! "You will learn by the numbers I will teach you"!

"Yes, Guildmaster"! Chris gasped.

"Now get on your feet, and get into the melee ring".

Chris got up, and walked into a ring where a scarecrow was waiting for him.

"Now". Liquid said. "I want you to beat the shit out of that scarecrow as hard as you possibly can".

Chris walked up to it and started punching as hard as he could.

"What the fuck are you doing"?! Liquid yelled.

"Punching, Guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Didn't your daddy teach you how to whoop someone's ass"?

"Well...no, Guildmaster".

"Alright, then the first thing you should remember is that it is prudent to strike your opponent with an open hand".

"Yes, Guildmaster".

"And remember that it is demoralising to your opponent if you repeatedly chant "Who's your daddy" with every strike". "NOW DO IT"!

Chris ran up to the scarecrow and smacked at it, but it tilted to the side, and came back with a smack of it's own.

"I'm your daddy". It replied.

Liquid started laughing as Chris was smacked around by the scarecrow until he fell on his back.

"Not making much of an impact there are you"? Liquid said as Chris got up. "Now try it with this".

Liquid tossed him a stick, and he picked it up.

"Now, try it again, Chicken Chaser". Liquid ordered.

Chris ran at the scarecrow, and swung the stick, but it grabbed it out of his hand, and socked him in the mouth with it.

"God, you're a dumbass". Liquid said as Chris got up. "But I think that's enough for today". "Now tomorrow, we will...

Suddenly an alarm went off.

"OH MY GOD"! Liquid screamed. "THAT WAS THE GUILD ALARM"! "SOMETHING MUST BE LOOSE IN THE WOODS"!

"What do we do, Guildmaster"? Chris asked.

"Well, it might be dangerous". "So I want you to go alone, carrying only that stick".

"But what if

"WHY AREN'T YOU GONE YET"?! "AHHHHHHHHHHHH"!

Chris grabbed the stick, and ran into the guild woods as fast as he could. Then he walked up the small hill, and saw two giant beetles crawling out of a log.

"Hero time". Chris said to himself as he got the stick ready.

He then leaped at them, and did a kamakazzi scream as he brought the stick down. Unfortionatly the beetle caught the stick in it's jaws, and tossed it away.

"What the fuck are you thinking, essay"? It said with a mexican accent.

"Yeah". The other one said. "What's the deal, homes"?

"Um". Chris replied.

"White boy here wants to hit mother fuckers with sticks, that's what". "So, let's whoop his ass"!

Meanwhile, Liquid was waiting outside the guild woods for Chris to return.

"Three". He said to himself. "Two...one".

Suddenly there was alot of screaming coming from the woods, and a few minutes later Chris was tossed out on his face.

"And stay out, homes"! The beetle yelled. "If you ever come back, we'll fuck you up some more"!

Chris brushed himself off, and got to his feet.

"And what do you have to say for yourself"? Liquid asked.

"I got my ass kicked, Guildmaster". He replied.

"No shit"? "My god you are a fucking disgrace"! "I mean, really, Chicken Chaser, how can you live with yourself"?

"I...um...

"You um, what"? "Were you about to call me an asshole"?

"No, Guildmaster".

"Get away from me". "Get the fuck away from me before you get hurt". "And tomorrow the really hard stuff begins". "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME"!

Chris ran back to his room as fast as he could.


	4. Basic Skills Of A Hero

Try as he might, the boy just couldn't grasp even the most basic of skills even though his days were filled with the Guildmaster's torture, and his nights were filled with study in the library.

Soon the guild was his life, but his mind always returned to two things: The flames of Oakvale, and how hot his room mate was.

Chris woke up as a bucket of water was poured onto his head.

"Why the fuck can you not ever wake up on time"? Jill asked as he slowly got up. "Are you trying to make the Guildmaster stomp your ass"?

"No". He replied.

"Then let's go to training". "I'll race you there".

They started running, but Chris instantly fell on his face.

"Sorry". Jill said as she ran away. "I tied your shoelaces togather while you were asleep".

After fixing his shoes, Chris got up and ran outside. He didn't want to lose to Jill again, but he stopped when he saw two other apprentices arguing.

"I'm the fastest apprentice in the guild". He bragged.

"No you're not". The other one said.

"Yes, I am". "I will now run to the demon door and back...there, I just did it".

"Wow". Chris said. "You really are fast".

"Yes, I am, not get out of my sight, loser".

He pushed Chris into the water, and when he got out, he found himself right in front of the Guildmaster.

"What the hell is your problem, Chicken Chaser"? Liquid asked. "No, I don't want to know". "Wesker says that you shouldn't be passed to the next level, but I'm tired of loking at your goofy ass, so I'm gonna push you through anyhow".

He pushed Chris into the melee ring, where Jill was waiting, and handed him a sword.

"Your goal is to hit Jill as many times as you can". Liquid stated. "Ready, go".

He had just barely gotten ready, when Jill was on him. She hit him in the stomach, whacked him in the chin, and kicked him in the chest, sending him down.

"That;s all wrong, Jill". Leon said as he walked up to the ring. "I didn't see you take even one hit".

"What"? Jill asked. "Who are you"?

"You'll have to forgive Leon". Liquid replied. "He is an idiot". "I purposly trained him wrong, as a joke".

"It's a shame that you couldn't see me fight in the arena". Leon continued. "I took more hits then any man alive".

"Didn't I tell you to never show your face in this guild again, ever"?

"I think so".

"And what are you doing right now"?

"Um...showing my face in the guild".

"Good, now do you see what you are doing wrong"?

"Uh...no".

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT BEFOR I FUCK YOUR ASS UP"!

Leon ran away, and Liquid calmed down.

"Now". He said. "Follow me to the archery range".

Chris followed him, and he was handed a bow.

"Shoot that target". Liquid ordered. "Ready, go".

Chris aimed the bow, pulled it back, aimed right at the target, and fired. This caused the arrow to fly into the air, and shatter Wesker's window.

"What the fuck"! Wesker yelled.

"I think that's enough archery for one day". Liquid quickly said. "Let's move on to Will using, shall we".

Chris followed him again.

"How the hell did that happen"? Liquid asked.

"I don't know, Guildmaster".

"I saw you aim at the target". "Oh, well, nevermind". "Now I will instruct you on the proper way to throw a bolt of lightning".

He pointed his hand at a scarecrow, and lightning shot out, burning the scarecrow to a crisp.

"Now you try". He said. "Ready, go".

Chris aimed his hand at the scarecrow, but nothing happened.

"Anytime, sweetheart". Liquid said.

Chris tried and tried, but nothing happened.

"You have got to be shitting me"! Liquid screamed. "I know you're dumb, Chicken Chaser, but do you expect me to believe that you can't do something so simple as throw lightning from your hand"?!

"I don't know, Guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Whatever, get the fuck out of my sight". "I'll whoop your ass tomorrow". "Why don't you go play with Jill in the woods". "But remember to stay away from the candy tree".

"He is correct to caution you". The candy tree replied. "I feed on apprentices".

Suddenly the tree's tongue shot out, and an apprentice screamed as he was eaten.

"Oh, my god"! Chris yelled.

"Have fun". Liquid said as he walked away. "MUHAHAHAHAHA"!

Chris slowly walked into the woods, and found Jill waiting by the river.

"Come on, slow ass". She said. "The beetle nest is just on top of this hill".

"Wait a second". Chris replied. "Did you say beetle nest"?

"Yeah, what's wrong"?

Suddenly two giant beetles appeared on the path.

"Hey, homes". The beetle said. "What you doin here, essay"?

"I guess he didn't learn his lesson last time". "We told him what would happen, but he must be deaf or something".

"Let's get him"!

"RUN"! Chris screamed.

The beetles then chased them out of the woods.

"You are such a pussy". Jill said once they were out. "You should have seen the look on your face". "Just wait till the guildmaster hears about this".

"You ran away, too". Chris replied.

"That's ok". "I'll just flash him my tits, and he'll forget all about that".

She then ran off, and Chris hung his head as he walked back to his room.


	5. Final Test And Graduation

The boy gained no skill, and got no more powerful as the years went by. He was allowed to do nothing but train, yet his mind remaned focused on the burning of his home.

At last the day came where he would pass his final tests, and then recieve his guild seal.

"Well, well". Liquid said. "Today is the day that I can finally get rid of your candy ass". "All you have to do is pass three very basic tests, and then meet me at the enterence to the guild woods". "Can you manage that much, Chicken Chaser"?

"Yes, Guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Good, now ready, go".

Chris ran over to the melee ring, pulled out his sword, and jumped over the fence, but his foot got caught, causing him to once again eat the dirt.

"I'll forget that I saw that". The instructor said as Chris got up. "Now this combat against Jill counts". "Ready, go".

Chris swung his sword, but Jill blocked and struck him in the nuts with her staf, dropping him like a ton of bricks.

"Excellent, Jill". The instructor said. "You get an A+". "And as for you, Chicken Chaser...just get the fuck away from me".

Chris got up, and made his way over to the archery range.

"Alright, Chicken Chaser". The instrucror said. "This archery competition counts". "All you have to do is hit as many targets as you can in one minute". "Ready, go".

Chris had been practicing constantly for years, and was confident that he was a master of the bow. So he aimed at the target, pulled the string back, and fired...

Sending the arrow right into the instructor's chest, and killing him instantly.

Chris just stood there for a second, then he dropped the bow and ran away.

He ran over to the will range, and the instructor rolled his eyes.

"Alright, dumb shit". He said. "All you have to do is shoot lightning from your hand". "I don't care if you hit the target, just make lightning, and I'll pass you".

This was the moment of truth. All he had to do was shoot lightning, and he would be done with all of his tests.

He aimed his hand, feeling the will energy as it gathered for usage. Then he consentrated as hard as he could.

"Whenever you're ready". The instructor said.

The energy reached it's maximum, so Chris released it. But instead of throwing lightning from his hand, he farted, shooting a blast of flame from his ass, and making the instructor scream as he was ingulfed in flames.

The instructor screamed as he ran around, and finally threw himself into the river.

Chris took this as his cue to leave, so he ran to the guild woods enterence, where his final test would take place.

"Alright, retard". Liquid said. "You have failed miserably in everything that I have ever asked you to do". "According to the rule book, I should rip your balls off so that you can't contaminate the rest of the world".

"Yes, Guildmaster". Chris said sadly.

"But I'm so sick of looking at you, that I will allow you to take the final test". "So, all you have to do is go in, and the test will be revealed to you".

"Yes, Guildmaster".

"But, listen up". "People are gonna be watching you, so don't fuck it up". "Because if you fuck this up, it's the end for you"! "If you mess up, your ass will be hung out to dry"! "If you embarress this guild, your pants will be dancing with figs"! "Do I make myself clear"?!

"Everything except the pants figs thing, Guildmaster".

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND GET INTO THE GOD DAMN WOODS"!

Chris waisted no time in running into the woods, and was surprised to find Wesker waiting for him.

"Well, it's about time". Wesker said. "I suppose that you're wondering what your final test is, aren't you". "Well, it's simple: All you have to do is survive one minute of me whooping your ass".

He suddenly became a bulr, and punched Chris in the stomach, sending him flying through the woods.

He landed in the water, and was getting up, when Wesker grabbed him by the hair, and shoved his head underwater.

Wesker then made him get to his feet, and spin kicked him in the head, making Chris crash right through a fence.

Chris started getting up, and Wesker moved in for the kill, when his watch alarm suddenly went off.

"God damn it"! Wesker yelled. "I should have gone for two minutes"! "Oh well, you passed, now report to the Guildmaster".

Wesker teleported away, and Chris dragged himself out of the woods.

"Finally, you did something right". Liquid said. "Now I really can get rid of your ass". "Follow me to the chamber of fate for graduation".

Chris followed him into a large room where Leon and Wesker were waiting. Then he stood next to Jill, and Liquid stood between Leon and Wesker.

"Let the little fucktards, er, I mean the apprentices approach". Liquid said.

The other apprentices cheered as Chris and Jill walked onto the podium.

"This is a great day for us all". Liquid continued. "A great day because Jill has completed her training, and because Chicken Chaser will finally be out of our hair".

The apprentices cheered.

"You have both endured the rigors of hero training". Liquid continued. "And it is now time for you to take your guild seals, and venture out into the world to inspire people, or to strike terror into their hearts".

He took two seals out of the box, and handed them to Chris and Jill.

"Be warned". Liquid continued. "There are strange winds blowing, and a foul steanch is slowly polluting the air".

"Sorry". Leon replied. "That was me".

Liquid quickly slammed his foot into Leon's nuts, making him fall off the podium, and then he turned back to Chris and Jill.

"It is time for you to leave us". He continued. "But the guild will always be your home, and I will always be here to give you an ass whoop, er, I mean to give you advise". "Now go".

The other apprentices cheered, and the new heroes posed in victory.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE"?! Liquid screamed. "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY GUILD"!

They pocketed their guild seals, and ran out the door, ready to start their adventure.


	6. Wasps In The Picnic Area

As soon as graduation was over, Jill left the guild as fast as possible, and Chris walked back to the maproom with Liquid.

"It is time for you to leave us". Liquid said as they reached the map room. "A day that I have been waiting ever so patiently for".

"I've been waiting for it, too, Guildmaster". Chris replied.

"I remember the first day that Wesker brouhgt you to us, and you are still just as pathetic and stupid". "I'll be damned if you aren't the worst apprentice that I have ever trained". "And I've been doing this for a long time".

Liquid handed him a backpack, and Chris began looking through it.

"I've given you a basic pack of supplies". He continued. "It should be enough for awhile".

"But, Guildmaster". Chris replied. "All that's in here is some matches and an oily shirt".

"Yes, Chicken Chaser". "That is so that if it gets cold outside, you can keep warm by putting on the oily shirt, and setting it on fire".

"Wow, thanks, Guildmaster"! "You're the best"!

"I know". "Now you should be on your way". "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE"?!

Chris ran out the door as fast as he could, and stopped for a second to look around.

"AHHHHHHHH"! A man screamed as he ran towards the guild. "WASPS ARE ATTACKING THE PICNIC AREA"! "AHHHHHHHHHHH"!

Chris was about to ask more about it, but the man was so freaked out and running so fast that he slammed right into the wall, knocking himself out.

"The picnic area"! Chris exclaimed. "This is my chance"!

The theme from The A Team began playing as he ran up the hill, and followed the signs to the picnic area.

However, the music stopped once he saw what was going on.

There were dozens of dead people laying all around, and giant wasps were stinging the ones that were still alive.

But worst of all was the giant wasp queen that was hovering in the middle of the area.

All seemed lost, but then he saw some people hiding behind the fence.

"This blows". A man said. "Every time we go on a picnic something fucked up happens". "If it's not giant wasps it balverines, or zombies, or something worse".

"Yeah". Another one said. "Now all we need is a plague of locusts".

Suddenly a locust jumped onto the fence, and they all screamed.

"That's it"! He said. "I'm eating at fisher creek from now on".

"Excuse me". Chris said in his manliest voice possible. "It seems to me that you people are in need of...a hero"!

He struck his hero pose, and a fanfair played for a few seconds.

"Yeah"? The man asked. "And who are you"?

"Well". Chris replied. "I just happen to be...A HERO"!

The fanfair played again, and the people just looked at him for a second. Then they busted out laughing.

"Alright, kid". He continued. "Have you ever saved a town before"?

"Well...no". Chris replied.

"Have you ever single handedly reversed and or stopped a natural desaster"?

"Well, actually...no".

"Have you ever defeated a blood thirsty monster in single combat"?

"Well, come to think of it I...no".

"I see". "Look, you seem like a good guy, but we need a real hero, not some fresh out of the guild amature".

Chris was crushed with that final remark, and tears welled up in his eyes.

"It's not fair"! He screamed. "It's just not fair"! "I work as hard as I can for years and years, but I can't get anything right, and everyone treats me like a dumbshit"!

"But you are a dumbshit". He replied.

"AND THAT MAKES IT SO MUCH WORSE FOR YOU TO SAY IT"!

"Um...we're leaving now".

"Fine, go"! "In fact, I never wanted to be a hero in the first place"! "So you all can take this stupid job and shove it up your asses"!

He then tossed his sword away as hard as he could, and continued to cry and bitch until he noticed that eveyone was looking behind him with their jaws dropped.

"What"? Chris asked as he turned around.

He looked and gasped as he saw that all of the smaller wasps had gone away. And laying in the middle of the picnic area was the wasp queen, with Chris's sword jammed all the way into her head.

"How did that happen"? He asked.

Everyone just stood there quiet for a few minutes, but then they all cheered for him.

"You really had us fooled". The man said. "Pretending to be a dumbshit just to sneak up on the wasp queen". "I'm gonna tell everyone about you".

They cheered for a few more minutes, and then started walking away, leaving Chris standing there like a retard.

"How the hell did that happen"? He asked himself.

Then it hit him that this was a good thing. In fact this was the best thing to happen to him since Jill had gotten drunk and slept naked on the floor.

Everyone would now think that he was a hero, so he ran over to the dead wasp queen to get his trophy.

He pulled the sword out of it, then used it to chop off it's head.

"I AM A HERO"! He screamed as he lifted it up high.

But then it's blood splashed into his mouth, making him gag and throw up.

"My god". The man said just as he was leaving. "He's the greatest actor in the world". "We must tell everyone about his heroic deeds".


	7. Welcome To Bowerstone

Chris took his trophy, and ran back toward the guild as fast as he could.

Everyone was just going to love his trophy, and Guildmaster Liquid would have to admit that he had done something right.

He kicked open the door, ran into the map room, and suddenly stopped.

Standing next to the map was the hottest girl that Chris had ever seen. She was so hot that his jaw dropped, and he started drooling all over himself.

"Oh". Ada said. "You must that guy Liquid and Wesker are always making fun of".

He nodded his head stupidly.

"I'm Ada, but you probably knew that". "If you've come for a quest card, all the good ones are gone, but I'm sure that they can find something for you to do". "I hear the toilets need to be tongue-scrubbed".

"Aw, not again". Chris replied. "I just did that last week".

"I see that he wasn't kidding about you". "Oh and that reminds me that Wesker and Liquid each left a message for you".

"What did Wesker say"?

"He wants you to meet him at the bowerstone tavern, although I can't imagine why he would want to see you".

"And what did Guildmaster Liquid want"?

"He wanted to give you this".

She suddenly kiked him in the nuts, dropping him to the floor. Then she stepped over him, and walked out the door.

It took Chris a few minutes to pick himself up, but once he was on his feet, he waisted no time in running out of the guild, and heading for bowerstone.

He ran down a hill, and crossed a bridge into the town.

"Hold it right there, you"! A guard screamed. "I never seen your face before, and it's my job to debrief you"!

The guard then ripped out Chris's tighty-whities, making him scream as he fell over.

"Debriefing complete". The guard said. "Have a nice day".

He walked off, and Chris got to his feet again. This was his first time in bowerstone, so he wandered around for a few minutes, until he saw a crowd gathered by some steps.

A beautiful blonde woman was standing on the stairs.

"And anyone who violates martial law". Alexia Ashford declaired. "Will be ripped in half by sumo wrestlers".

The crowd gave a less then enthusiastic chees.

"Now, have all of your cookies and candy delivered to my house by tonight, and I might not have to kill your children".

The crowd gave another half-ass cheer.

Alexia then walked away, and the crowd disbursed, giving Chris a clear path to the stairs. He really wanted to see that woman again.

But as he got to the top of the stairs, the guard kicked him in the stomach.

"Hold it right there, sonny jim". He said. "You aren't popular, beautiful, rich, or cool enough to enter north bowerstone, SO STAY THE FUCK BACK"!

The guard then tossed him down the stairs, making him get another mouthful of dirt.

"Chris"! A voice called. "Chris, over here"!

He looked up and saw that it was Wesker. He was leaning up against the tavern wall.

As Chris walked towards him, Wesker reached down and took an ice cream cone from a little girl who was walking by.

She started to say something, but he growled at her, making her scream and run off.

"That wasn't very nice". Chris said.

"Survival is everything". Wesker replied as he licked it. "Ewww, I hate mint chocolate".

He tossed the cone into the path, causing a man carrying alot of heavy boxes to slip on it. The boxes broke open, and dozens of bars of soap to fly everywhere.

"Guard". Wesker said. "This man was transporting drugs".

"I don't see any drugs". Chris said.

"Oh".

Wesker then took a kilo of cocain out of his pocket, and dropped it into the man's lap. The guards then beat the shit out of him, and took him away.

"Wow"! Chris exclaimed. "How did you know that he hid his drugs on you"?

"You don't get to be the leader of a hero's guild". Wesker explained. "Without understanding how the criminal mind works". "But enough of that, the reason that I asked you here is to give you some information".

"What is it"?

"Data used to inform others, or to aid in the solving of a problem, but that's not important right now".

"I mean, what is the information"?

"I have heard rumors that your sister may be alive".

Thunder crashed and dramatic music played.

"What was that"? Chris asked. "I've heard that music before".

"Pay attention, got damn it"! Wesker yelled. "No wonder Liquid hates your ADD ass so much".

"I do not have ADD, hey look at the birdie".

"Anyway, I have heard rumors that your sister may still be alive, but I have no more information then that".

"What should I do"?

"I suggest that you explore around, and see if you can find anything". "I will contact you if I learn something first". "Oh, and Liquid had something for you".

Chris jumped back, but to his surprise Wesker took a jack in the box out of his bag.

"Um, thanks". Chris replied as he took it.

Wesker then teleported away, and Chris started turning the handle on the box.

It played a nice melody for a few seconds, and then the top opened, and a boxing glove punched him in the mouth, knocking him on his ass.

Everyone laughed at him as he got up and ran out of the town.


	8. Trouble At Fisher Creek

After leaving Bowerstone, Chris headed back up the hill toward Greatwood Forest.

"Hey, Hero"! A man called. "Hey"!

The man ran up to him, and grabbed him by the shirt collar.

"I need to go to orchard farm"! He yelled.

"Uh, ok". Chris replied.

"I need a hero to escort me"! "There have already been three attempts on my life"!

This was great. People were actually asking him for help because of his heroic deeds at the picnic area.

"Don't worry, my good man". Chris said in his confident voice. "I will get you to orchard farm, and there will be no more attempts on your life".

"Really"? He asked.

"Yes". "Well, atleast no successful ones". "Let's go"!

They took three stepps into the forest, when an arrow came out of nowhere, and went right through the man's head, killing him instantly.

"Damn it"! Chris yelled. "Not again"!

Suddenly there was some rustling in the bushes, and Jill jumped out.

"Hey, dipshit". She said as she put her bow away.

"Hi, Jill". He sadly replied.

"I heard that you were going to orchard farm". "I always figured that an ignorant imbred little assclown like you would end up there". "And it just so happens that I'm going there, too".

"Why"?

"Because Alexia Ashford gave us a quest card to steal some shit from there". "How about we see if you can stop me"?

"Ok, you're on"!

Jill started laughing.

"See you later". She said as she teleported away.

Even though he was kind of bummed out because his guy had been killed, Chris was even more excited because he was now going to battle a fellow hero in order to protect innocent people.

He started running through the forest, but stopped when he heard something.

"Help"! A voice called from down a trail. "Help"!

It's someone in troble"! Chris shouted. "I'll save them"! "CHICKEN CHASER AWAYYYYYYYY"!

He ran as fast as he could toward the sound, and soon found himself at a small creek.

"Help"! A man called from inside the house.

Giant wasps were circling it, but they stopped when they saw Chris.

"Hey". One said. "Isn't that the dumbfuck who killed mom"?

"Oh, crap". Chris said.

"GET HIM"!

Chris ran as the wasps swarmed after him, but he was too slow, so they grabbed him, and lifted him into the air.

He screamed as they stung him several times, and then they tossed him into the creek.

"That's what you get"! The wasp said. "Let's get out of here, guys".

The wasps left, and Chris crawled out of the creek.

"You are amazing"! The man yelled as he came out of the house.

"Huh"? Chris replied.

"You let them attack you so that they would get tired and leave, didn't you"?

"Huh"?

"And you did it without killing a single one"! "You saved my life and theirs"! "You, Sir, are an incredible hero"!

"Well, uh, thanks".

"Me and my two brothers have been locked in there for three weeks with only a can of bait worms to eat"! "It is truly good that you came when you did"!

"Brothers"? "But you were the only one I saw in the house".

"Well, we ran out of bait worms after two days".

Chris looked through the window, and gasped as he saw two skeletons laying on the floor.

"Oh, my god"! He yelled. "You ate your brothers"!?

"Well, what did you expect"? He asked. "It was hard at first, but after awhile human flesh starts to taste good".

Chris had to cover his mouth.

"Hey, and since you are here". The man continued. "How would you like to join me for dinner"?

"I'll have to pass". Chris quickly replied.

"How sad".

He slowly took out a knife.

"I respect your opinion". He continued as Chris backed away. "But I'm not good at rejection, so I'm afraid that YOU'LL HAVE TO DIE"! "AHHHHHHHH"!

Chris screamed as the man chased him away from fisher creek.

"Come back"! The man yelled. "You taste like chicken"! "YOU ALL TASTE LIKE CHICKEN"! "MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

For a minute it looked like Chris was going to get away, but then he slipped and fell.

"NOOOOOOOO"! He screamed as the man leaped at him.

But at the last second a net was thrown over him, and he fell to the ground. Then several guards came out of hiding.

"Well, well". The guard said. "The infamous fisher creek canibal".

"What"? Chris asked.

"This sick asshole has been eating people for years". "We;ve been plotting this sting operation for months, but we couldn't find anyone brave enough to go in and lure him out". "That is, until you rushed in like a crazy ass, and got him for us".

"Oh, well that was...".

"It was damn brave, that's what"! "We've been asking the guild of heroes for help this whole time, and we thank you for answering us, hero".

"Well, uh...anytime".

"It was just great how you pretended to be a helpless little bitch boy". "You really had him fooled".

"Uh, no problem".

"Alrght, boys". "Let's get this sick asshole to prison where he belongs". "And thanks again, hero".

The guards took him away, and Chris found himself stupidly waving goodbye.

"How in the hell does this keep happening"? He asked himself as he continued on his way.


	9. The Raid Of Orchard Farm

Chris continued walking through the forest, until he saw a sign for Orchard Farm.

"Something tells me that I'm on the right track". He said as he ran down the path. "It's hero time once again".

Then he slammed into a wall of some kind, and fell on his ass.

"What the"? He asked as he got up.

It was only a small wall, so he started climbing, but he slipped, and fell back to the ground.

"Someone could get hurt on this". He declaired as he got up. "It is my duty as a hero to remove this safety hazard"!

He took out his sword and began cutting ropes, not seeing the group of bandits standing behind him with explosives.

"Is this guy stupid or something"? A bandit whispered.

"I can't believe it". His buddy replied. "He's doing it for us". "But once he is done, we should kill him".

"Wait, isn't that the hero who killed the wasp queen"? Another one asked.

"Yeah". The fourth one said. "I also heard that he captured the fisher creek canibal".

Suddenly the wall collapsed, and the bandits hid in the bushes as Chris walked down the path.

"Why did he do that"? The first bandit asked. "It's almost like he wants us to get into the farm". "This hero is clever, indeed". "Trying to lure us into the open".

"What should we do"? The second one asked.

"We should wait for Jill".

Meanwhile Chris had made it down the path, and was walking up to the barn where the farmer and his wife were waiting.

"Hello, good people". Chris said as he walked up to them. "I am a hero sent by the guild to protect you".

"Protect us"? The farmer asked. "You just killed our guards"!

Chris looked back up the path, and saw guard arms and legs sticking out from under the collapsed wall.

"Oops". He said. "My bad".

The farmer just shook his head.

"Now what are we gonna do"? He asked. "We have to keep these stones safe until my friends come to pick them up". "That's why we put up the wall, and hired the guards, you dumbass"!

"Don't worry"! Chris yelled. "I'll protect your farm"!

Then the farmer gasped as he saw the bandits coming down the path.

"Fuck this"! He yelled as he and his wife ran into the house. "We're outa here"!

"Don't worry, good people"! Chris yelled as he walked out into the path. "These foul smelling thieves shall not pass"!

He held up his hand in the signal to stop, but the first three bandits ran right past him, and the fourth one pushed him down.

However as the last bandit ran, he tripped over Chris, causing him to fall and fire his crossbow right into the back of his buddy's head.

"What the fuck"?! One of the other bandits yelled.

He aimed his crossbow at Chris and fired as his buddy was getting up, causing the arrow to go through his buddy's chest, killing him instantly.

"IT'S A TRAP"! One of the other bandits yelled. "HE'S MAKING US KILL EACHOTHER"!

"What about the stones"? His only remaining buddy asked.

"FUCK THE STONES"! "THEY ARE NO GOOD TO US IF WE GET KILLED"!

Meanwhile Chris had finally gotten to his feet, and was about to go after them, when Jill whacked him in the head with her staff, sending him back down.

"You fools just get the stones". She ordered. "I'll take care of dipshit, here".

She kicked Chris in the side, and then stomped his head as the bandits started running away with the stones. Then she took out her crossbow and aimed at his chest.

"Goodbye, farmboy". She said as she pulled the trigger.

But at the last second Chris screamed like a girl and rolled out of the way, causing the arrow to bounce off a rock, and fly right into the back of one of the bandits.

And if that wasn't enough, as the bandit fell, he grabbed onto his buddy's foot, causing him to trip and impale himself on his own sword.

"How the hell did that happen"? Jill asked.

Chris suddenly grabbed a handful of sand, and got up to throw it in Jill's eyes, but she saw it at the last second, and kicked his hand, making him scream as the sand went into his eyes.

He fell to the ground, and Jill was about to kill him with her staff, but then she stopped.

"You aren't worth killing". She said as she kicked him in the ribs. "It's a bigger punishment to let your pathetic exsistance continue". "And you can keep the damn stones for all I care".

She kicked him one more time, and then she walked up the path, and away from orchard farm.

Chris slowly got to his feet, and to his surprise, he was greeted with cheers from the farmer and his wife.

"You did it, my boy"! He yelled. "You killed all of the bandits, and saved the stones".

"But, I got my ass kicked". Chris replied.

"I know". "And it takes a real man to suffer through a beating like that just because he refuses to hit a woman".

"What"?

"Strength, courage, brains, and a strong sense of honor". "My boy, you are a true hero"! "And now we can get rid of thoes damn stones".

They walked into the house, and Chris was once again left standing there like a dumbshit.

"I've got it"! He yelled. "I must really be a true hero"! "How else could these things keep happening to me like they do"?

He then cheered for himself, and ran down the path away from orchard farm, to continue on his quest.


	10. The Bandit Toll

Chris walked away from orchard farm, and soon found himself at a small waterfall.

There were some people by a large stone, and Chris started running toward them when he heard them screaming.

And why not run toward them? After all he was a true hero, and as a hero it was his duty to help others and to protect the innocent no matter what.

This was a duty that was also forgotten as he reached the people, and saw what was wrong.

"Well, look who it is". The giant beetle said as Chris stopped dead in his tracks. "What you doin here, homes"?

Chris just stood there like a dumbass.

"Maybe he got lost". The other beetle replied. "You a long way from home, essay".

Meanwhile, the other people managed to escape, and were running back into the forest.

"Can you believe that guy"? One person asked. "Using himself as a distraction so that we could get away".

"Now that's what I call a hero". Another man replied. "I think he's known as Chicken Chaser".

Back at the waterfall, Chris once again ate the dirt as his beating continued.

"I don't know why he keeps coming back". The beetle said. "He knows what we do to little bitches like him".

"Maybe he likes it". The other beetle replied. "Do you like getting your ass kicked, essay"?

Chris was getting up, when the beetles grabbed him, and tossed him into the water.

"Let's get outa here". The beetle said. "This place is boring".

The two giant beetles walked away, and after a few minutes of splashing around like a retard, Chris realised that the water was only a few feet deep, and walked out.

Once he was on dry land, he shook the water off, and walked up into the gorge, where he noticed a sign.

It said : BANDIT TOLL AHEAD! HAVE YOUR GOLD READY OR YOU WILL END UP LIKE THIS GUY!

Chris looked on the ground next to the sign, and gasped when he saw a dead man with a knife in his head, and a cucumber shoved halfway up his ass.

"Oh, my god"! He screamed.

His first instinct was to run away, but then he remembered that he was a hero, and that it was his duty to stop evil like this wherever it happened to be.

Besides, he would be fine as long as he could keep the cucumber out of his mind.

He continued walking up the path, and saw another sign.

It said: REMEMBER THE CUCUMBER!

He swallowed hard, and tried to force it out of his mind as he continued. But then he saw yet another sign.

It said: THE CUCUMBER WAS SHOVED UP HIS ASS!

"God damn it"! Chris yelled. "Enough of the damn signs"!

Up ahead he could see the toll taker, and there was a trader walking back toward him.

"Good luck, stranger". The merchant said. "I hope you have the gold they want". "And don't even think of sneaking past or you'll get the cucumber".

The merchant walked away, and Chris tried to hide his cowardis as he walked up to the toll taker.

The bandit just looked at him for a minute, and gasped as he saw the cucumber on his belt.

"You got gold"? He asked.

"Um". Chris replied.

"In order to pass, you must pay the toll". "Because a toll is a toll, and a roll is a roll". "And if we don't get no tolls, then we don't get no rolls"..."I made that up".

"Uh, very nice". "Say, is there any way for me to get through without paying"?

"Sure, but it involves me taking this here cucumber, and cramming it up your ass".

"Oh".

"Either that, or you can join the gang".

This was his chance. He could pretend to join, and attack when no one would suspect.

"I'll join". Chris replied.

"You will"? He asked. "Well, ok".

He snapped his fingers, and 4 bandits jumped Chris. They picked him up, and dragged him over to their leader's tent, where they dropped him to the ground.

"So". Their green suited leader said. "You want to join us, huh"? "Oh, merry meeeeeeeeeen"! "Let's tell him who we are".

Suddenly more men jumped out, and music started playing.

"I rob from the rich and give to the needy". He sang.

"He skims from the top". His men sang.

"But I'm not greedy". "I rescue pretty damsels, man I'm good".

"What a guy"!

"Misure Hood"! "Break it down"!

They all started dancing, but then an arrow went into the leader's throat, and the bandits screamed as dozens of arrows flew at them.

Chris hit the dirt, and when he uncovered his eyes, all of the bandits were dead. Then there was a rustling sound, and several guards came out.

"I figured it was you". The guard leader said. "We've been trying to get a man on the inside of this bandit toll for years, but we shouldn't be surprised that a hero like you would be the only one to pull it off".

"Uh". Chris said as he slowly got up. "Ok".

"We would have let you finish your undercover work, but we ran out of time and had to strike now". "But we appreceate your efforts".

"Well, uh...actually, it, well...uh...no problem".

"Three cheers for the hero"!

They cheered for him for a few minutes, and then the guards walked away, leaving him once again standing there like a dumbshit.

"I gotta get out of this forest". Chris said to himself as he continued on his way. "Things will be better once I get out of this forest".


	11. Beware The Hobbe Cave

Chris continued walking down the path that would take him away from greatwood forest.

"I'll sure be happy when I get out of this place". He said to himself as he walked. "Maybe the next place won't be as crazy".

Up ahead he saw the cave that would lead him out of this forest. So he started running for it, stopping only when he heard screams coming from another cave to his right.

The cave enterance was shaped like a skull, there were human remains scattered all over the ground in front of it, and there was a sign.

It said: ONLY A DIPSHIT WOULD COME IN HERE.

He was about to heed the sign's warning, but then he heard the scream again.

"I don't really want to go in there". He said as inspirational music began to play. "But as a hero I must conquer my fears, and give aid to all who ask it".

The music stopped as he entered the cave, and saw hundreds of human skeletons thrown around the floor.

"HEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLP"! The voice cried again.

Using all of his stealth skills, Chris crept into the cave, and followed the sound to a door. He opened it, and slipped on the wet rock.

This caused him to fall onto his ass, and slide down into the center of the room, where he found himself surrounded by hobbes.

"Uh, oh". Chris said as the hobbes just looked at him.

"Good job, mate". The caged bandit said. "You might as well have cooked yourself for them, too".

Suddenly the hobbes swarmed over Chris, and then they dragged him and the bandit deeper into the cave.

"Where are they taking us"? Chris asked.

"The same place they took my friends, probably". The bandit replied. "But I should warn you that I heard horrible screams like nothing you ever heard before".

Chris swallowed hard, and the hobbes took them into a large room with a round rock in the center.

Next to the rock was a kid in a force cage, and hovering above the kid was a horrible fairy.

"Ah, good". She said as Chris and the bandit were dragged before her. "Such a good selection".

She snapped her fingers, and the force cage turned off, letting the kid out.

"Here's the deal". The fairy said. "Two of you may go free, but one of you must stay and be sacrificed in the most inhumane and creative way possible".

Chris gasped as the hobbes were now holding a cheese grater, an egg wisk, a large mouse trap, and an impact wrench.

"I will leave it up to you". She continued. "Choose quickly".

"Ok, I have a plan". Chris whispered. "All three of us can escape if we

He was interupted by the bandit and the kid shoving him into the force cage.

"HEY"! He yelled.

"Good". The fairy said. "You two can go".

The bandit and the kid ran away, and the fairy turned back to Chris.

"HEY"! Chris screamed as the bandit and kid left the room. "HEEEEEEEY"!

"Silence"! The fairy ordered. "You will now be sacrificed"!

Chris screamed like a girl as the hobbes ran at him, but at the last second everything went white, and he was suddenly standing outside the cave.

"What the"? He asked as he looked around.

A few seconds later the bandit and kid came out of the cave, then they came to a screeching hault as they saw Chris.

"You clever bastard". The bandit said. "You could have escaped from them at anytime"?

"Um". Chris replied.

"You let us offer you for a sacrifice so that we could get away, and even squeeled like a bitch just for show"?

"Um...uh".

"You sir are a true hero". "I'm gonna go home and rethink my life, all because of you".

The bandit ran off into the forest, and the kid walked up to Chris.

"Thanks for saving us, hero". He said. "Could you take me home"?

"Uh, sure". Chris replied. "Where do you live"?

"At rose cottage". "Follow me".

Chris followed him a short ways back into the forest, and up a trail that lead to a small house.

"Now I have to warn you". The kid said. "My gramm is a bit strange sometimes".

They walked toward the house, and Chris saw that the picket fence was made of giant gingerbread men.

And not only that, but the entire house was made of candy.

"CANDY"! Chris screamed as he ran toward it.

"NO, DON'T"! The kid screamed.

Chris dove onto the house, and started gobbling up everything he could reach.

"WHAT THE FUCK"!? An old woman screamed as she kicked open the door. "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PEOPLE IT TOOK TO MAKE THAT CANDY"?!

Chris froze in place for a few seconds, and then started spitting it out.

"Well, then". She continued. "Since you wanted to eat my house, I guess that I'll have to use you both for replacements".

She picked up a giant pair of scissors, and started laughing hystericaly.

"RUN"! The kid screamed.

The kid took off into the forest, and gramm continued laughing as she chased Chris around the yard.

"PLEASE DON'T KILL ME"! He screamed as they went around and around. "I DON'T WANT TO BE CANDY"!

Suddenly gramm slipped on some loose mud, and she stopped laughing as she fell onto her giant scissors.

"Ewwww". Chris said as she was sliced in half.

Then after checking to make sure that no one saw, he grabbed another piece of the house, and munched on it as he ran back toward the caves.

"This stuff's pretty good". He said as he walked out of greatwood.


	12. Escort Through Darkwood

Chris walked out of the cave, and gasped as he saw how dark and scary this new forest was.

"Thank god, a hero"! A man yelled.

Two men ran up to him, acting like they just saw a ghost.

"We need to reach barrow fields"! His partner said. "But it might be too dangerous"!

"Yes"! The first one said. "We've already lost Jim, Big Jim, Little Jim, Slim Jim, Jim Bo, Jim Bob, Billy Jo Jim Bob, and Mike"!

"Don't worry"! Chris declaired as he shot his finger into the air. "I'll protect you, for I am a hero"!

The men just looked at him for a second, then they shrugged.

"Ok". He said. "Lead the way, hero".

Once again filled with confidence, Chris did his hero stride as he lead them down the path. There was nothing that he couldn't face, and no monster that he was afraid of.

Then he screamed as he saw a man who looked like he just got his ass whooped.

"Somethin bit me"! He yelled. "And it left me for dead"! "Please, can you help me get to barrow fields"?

"Fuck no"! The two men shouted.

"Now hold on a second, guys". Chris said. "It is our duty as good people to help this man in his time of need". "How can you honestly leave him in this desperate situation"?

"It's easy, I'll show you".

They started walking, and Chris turned around to comfort the man, but screamed as he saw that the wounded man had turned into a zombie!

He screamed as the zombie tackled him, but a branch went through the zombie's head as they fell, killing it.

After quickly getting to his feet, Chris caught up to the others, and continued walking until they came to a large door.

"Ah". One of the men said. "The darkwood bordello".

"What's a bordello"? Chris asked.

"It's where insanly beautiful women will have sex with you for a few gold coins".

"REALLY"?!

"Yeah, and they can't say no to you, no matter what".

"No matter what"? "How about if I wanted her to shave my ass while we were wearing sailor hats and laying in a tub of pepto bismal"?

"Uh...I guess".

"How about if I wanted her to toss my salad while wearing a horse costume with my sister's clothes"?

"Dude"! "I don't need to hear this stuff"! "If you want to know so bad, why don't you ask them"?

He ran up to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked. Then he saw a sign.

It said: CLOSED UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO"! Chris screamed as he fell to his knees.

After sheding a few tears, he got up, and they continued walking.

"I hate darkwood". One of the men said. "There's a thousend ways to die in a place like this".

Suddenly Chris stopped as he saw a demon door.

"Beware, bitches". It said. "I block the way for all but the most combat hardened". "If you think you aren't a little bitch, my guardian will test you".

"No fucking way". The other man said.

"Hold on". Chris said. "I happen to be a combat hardened hero". "I have faced horrible monsters before, and there is no way that some stupid guardian can ever defeat me".

"Don't be a dumbass". The first man warned.

"I want your guardian to test me".

"Very well". The door replied. "Guardian, attack"!

Suddenly Nemesis jumped down from the sky, and roared in Chris's face, causing him to turn white and piss himself.

Nemesis then swung his arm, sending him and the two men flying into the air.

"What a pussy". The door said. "You can go now, guardian".

Meanwhile, Chris and the men continued screaming as they flew through the air, finally landing in a large puddle next to a trader's camp.

"Welcome"! The merchant said.

They slowly dragged themselves out of the puddle, and walked into the camp.

"I think we'll rest here for awhile". The man said.

"Yeah". His partner replied. "We need a break".

Chris decided that a rest would be a good idea, so he walked around the camp to see what was for sale.

"Got lots of good things for sale stranger". The merchant continued.

"How do you keep finding me"? Chris asked.

"Your money is putting my kids through college, stranger".

"Fair enough".

He was about to ask what was for sale, when something caught his eye.

Off in the distance there was a dark red light coming from up a very dark and scary path.

"What's that"? He asked.

"You don't want to go up there, stranger". The merchant replied.

Chris just kept staring at the light.

"I sense evil". He said. "And as a hero I must put a stop to it"!

He ran over to the two men.

"Stay here until I get back". He ordered. "I have some evil to stop"!

"Whatever". The men said as Chris ran up the path.


	13. The Chapel Of Skorm

Chris slowly crept up the path toward the strange red light.

The closer he got, the more screams he heard, and the more cries for mercy he was forced to listen to.

"This must stop". He said to himself as he came up to the small building.

He took out his sword, ran up the steps, and kicked the door with all of his strength. This caused him to bounce back, fall down the stairs, and get yet another mouthful of dirt.

"Nice try"! He yelled as he got up. "But it will take more then that to stop a hero like me"!

He ran back up the stairs, and started ramming the door with all of his might, bashing the door for what seemed like hours until he noticed the sign on the door.

It said: PULL.

He stopped bashing, and easily pulled the door open.

Now he was in a small hallway, and the screams and cries for mercy were deafening as well as was the horrible voice that could be heard over them.

He ran to the end of the hall, and barged in, finding only two robed men standing around.

"What the"? He asked as he looked for the source of the screams.

Upon noticing him, the robed man gave his friend the "kill it" sign, and he pushed a button on the stereo, making the screams stop.

"Ah". The robed man said. "Welcome to the chapel of skorm".

"Weren't you guys torturing people in here a second ago"? Chris asked.

"No, we were just listening to our "Carrot Top Live" cd while we were on our lunch break".

"Oh, ok". "What is this place"?

"This is the chapel of skorm, where great power and cool weapons are granted in exchange for souls".

"Huh"?

"People give us their souls, and we give them cool things like weapons, longer life, commerative plates, and things like that". "Interested"?

"I don't know". "It doesen't sound like a good idea to give away my soul".

"Come on, don't be a pussy". "Thousends of people give us their souls, even famous people like David Hasselhoff and Tiger Woods gave us their souls".

"Tiger Woods"?

"You don't really think that anyone can play that good on their own, do you"?

"Well, I guess not".

Suddenly there was a dragging sound behind him, and some more noises that sounded like muffled screams.

"Quiet, you little bitches"! A fimiliar voice ordered from beyond the door. "I don't know why I didn't think of this years ago". "This will make dealing with failures much easier".

Then the door was kicked open, and Liquid walked in, dragging three tied up and gagged apprentices.

"Alright, guys". He said as he approached. "I got a three for one special for you".

Then he stopped when he saw Chris.

"Chicken Chaser"? He asked.

"Guildmaster Liquid"? Chris asked. "What are you doing here"?

"Well, I'm, uh...I'm, uh...here to stop this evil"!

He then dropped the rope, took skorm's bow off his back, and shot the first robed man in the chest, making him fall into the acid pool.

"Trator"! A booming voice screamed. "Now you shall feel my wrath"!

The other robed figure was suddenly charged with power, but Liquid took the knife off of his boot, and tossed into his head, making him fall into the acid pool as well.

"Wow, Guildmaster". Chris said. "You snuck in here with decoys just to stop this evil place"?

"Uh, sure". Liquid replied. "How did you know that they were decoys"?

"Because you let them go".

"Huh"?

Liquid looked behind him, and saw that the tied apprentices had escaped.

"God damn it"! He grumbled to himself. "Now how am I supposed to complete my legends of nascar commeritive plate set"?

Chris walked over to him.

"Thanks for saving me, Guildmaster". He said. "But I must go, FOR THERE IS MORE EVIL TO BE CRUSHED"!

"Chicken Chaser". Liquid replied. "In light of your outstanding work as a hero, I'm going to help you out".

"You are"?

"Yeah, like this".

He suddenly kicked Chris in the nuts, and tossed him down the stairs, making him yet again eat a mouthful of dirt.

"Thank you, Guildmaster"! Chris called as he got up.

"GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, RETARD"! Liquid called back.

Chris then took off back down the path to the trader's camp.

"Oh god". The man said as Chris appeared. "He's back already".

"Ok, guys". Chris said. "Thanks to help from Guildmaster Liquid, I have defeated the evil, and we may now continued to barrow fields".

"Guildmaster Liquid"? "But he's skorm's biggest supporter".

"That was just a trick to get in close to them". "He killed the robed men right in front of me".

"Hero, did you happen to notice if the bow he used was black and red"?

"Well, yes it was".

"Yeah, that was skorm's bow". "You can only get something like that by giving him lots of souls".

"My god"! "That means that the guildmaster is even a better trickster then I thought"! "Imagine tricking skorm into giving away his own bow".

"I give up"! "Let's just get going"!

Chris then once again lead the way as they left the merchant's camp behind, and continued through darkwood.


	14. Fear And Loathing In Barrow Fields

After awhile longer of treking through swamps, and overgrown trails, the group got excited when they saw the cave that lead to barrow fields.

"There it is"! The man said. "Barrow fields is just through that cave"!

They were going to run through it, when Chris stopped them.

"Hold on". He said. "It might be a trap". "You guys wait here while I check it out".

The men hid behind part of an old fence, and Chris walked up the hill. After a minute of looking around, he decided that it was safe.

And that was when the troll decided to burst up from the ground, and Chris decided to start screaming like a girl.

He tried to run away, but it grabbed him, picked him up, and laughed as it began slamming him into the ground.

"The hero's distracting it"! The man's partner said. "Now's our chance"!

They came out of hiding, and snuck by the troll.

"HEY"! Chris yelled as they dissapeared into the cave. "DON'T LEAVE ME HERE"!

The troll slammed him into the ground a few more times, and then it laughed as it tossed him into the cave before sinking back into the ground.

The men had just reached the other side of the cave, when they heard screaming. Then they saw Chris hit the ground, and skid to a stop right next to them.

"Hero, you've done it"! They yelled.

Chris spit out the dirt and looked up. They were now in a beautiful meadow with no danger in sight.

"Come on". The man said as Chris got up. "I know the way from here".

He followed them down the path to a trader's stand.

"Welcome"! The merchant screamed.

"How did you get here so fast"? Chris asked.

"Got lots of good things on sale, stranger"!

"Whatever, let's see what you got".

The merchant reached into his coat, and pulled out a plate of brownies.

"Here is my speciality". He said. "But be careful because they are...magic".

Chris handed him some coins, and began munching down the brownies. A few minutes later his vision started to blur, and it got so hot that he had to take off his shirt.

"I don't know what to do anymore"! He screamed. "I'm not really a good hero"! "Nothing makes sense anymore"! "One time the guildmaster made me rub his feet, and I kind of liked it"!

Everyone just looked at him.

"Another time"! Chris continued. "Jill passed out drunk on the floor, and as I molested her, I pretended that she was my sister"! "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT, MERCHANT"!

"Huh"? he merchant asked.

"YOU SOLD ME BAD HASH BROWNIES"! "YOU ARE A BAD BAD MAN"!

"Ok, stranger, listen up". "Thoes came from the bowerstone bakery". "I do not sell hash brownies". "Put your shirt on, white boy"!

Suddenly Chris's vision became clear, and everyone started laughing at him.

Not wanting to be laughed at anymore, Chris decided to run away from barrow fields.

He ran back up the hill, but stopped when he remembered that he didn't want to go back into darkwood.

He decided to try the path to the right with a sign that said GREY HOUSE, but stopped when a magic barrier blocked his path, and knocked him on his ass.

Everyone could still be heard laughing at him, so he ran back down the hill toward some ruins, and stopped at the demon door.

"Oh, no you don't". It said. "My cousin in darkwood told us all about you". "Did you really piss yourself"?

"I need to get out of here". Chris explained.

"You are out".

"Then I need to get in".

"Ah, in that case you must do something for me". "All you have to do to get in is...

"Is what"?

"Is tell everyone in barrow fields that your name is Pirate Princess Pickle Bunny".

"WHAT"?!

"Hey, do you want in or not"?

"Oh, alright".

He ran back to the group of people, and stood on the table.

"May I have your attention please"! He yelled as they gathered around him. "My name is... Pirate Princess Pickle Bunny"!

Everyone started laughing, and someone started throwing rotten fruit.

"Hey, stranger"! The merchant yelled. "Wake up"!

Chris opened his eyes, and found that he was laying on the path. There was no crowd, and no one was throwing fruit at him.

"What happened"? He asked.

"You ate my magic brownies, stranger". The merchant replied. "They are powerful shit, huh"?

It took Chris a second to get to his feet, but once he did, he had no wish to stay in this place for any longer then he had to.

"What's down that path"? He asked.

"Some small town". The merchant replied. "Not much happens there".

"Good enough, I'll take it".

He turned around and started running, but fell on his face instead.

"Oh, sorry stranger". The merchant said. "I tied your shoelaces togather while you were asleep".

"Why"?

"For a laugh".

The merchant then started laughing as Chris fixed his shoes, got to his feet, and ran through the town gates.


	15. Return To Oakvale

Chris walked through the gate, and into the center of town before he noticed where he was.

"Hey". A woman said as she walked up to him. "Aren't you that boy who always got his ass kicked"?

Suddenly the memorys came flooding into Chris's mind, and he began sweating.

"Hello"? She asked.

His eyes opened really wide and became bloodshot as he started drooling.

"Are you ok"? She asked.

He began grunting and looking nervoiusly back and forth. Then the room began to spin.

"Can you hear me"? She asked. "You're starting to freak me out".

The room spun faster and faster, then suddenly he screamed bloody murder and ran full speed into a tree.

"Yep". She said as he fell to the ground. "That's him".

She walked away, and Chris woke up as the sun was going down.

As he got up, he saw some guys gathering behind the barn, so he followed them to a ring of some kind, and was about to ask what was going on, when the leader came out.

"I'm Mike Tyson". He said. "Leader of this fist fighter's gang".

"Is this guy strong"? Chris whispered to the guy next to him.

"Who the fuck said anyone could talk"?

"It was the new guy". The guy next to Chris said.

"And just what did he have to say that was so important that it couldn't wait for me to finish"?

"He was asking me how a guy your size can have such a funny voice"?

"WHAT"?! "Get his ass in the ring"!

"No, I didn't"! Chris yelled.

"Don't be a pussy". The guy next to him whispered. "And to answer your question, he's somewhere between super-strong and invincible".

They pushed Chris into the ring, and the next thing he saw was Mike Tyson's fist coming at him. The blow sent him stumbling back into the barn wall, and he looked up just in time to see another fist coming.

For ten minutes, Mike Tyson beat the shit out of him. Then when he was done, he kicked Chris in the nuts, and laughed as he collapsed.

"You want to make fun of me"? Mike asked. "Then you're gonna talk like me, too".

Suddenly the first rays of sunlight appeared, and the fist fighters hised as it hit them.

"The evil light appears"! Mike yelled. "Run for it"!

The fist fighters ran away, and Chris picked himself up as the town slowly came to life.

"Chris"! Wesker called. "Chris, over here"!

He looked up, and saw that Wesker was standing by the tavern, holding a red bucket.

"Wesker"? Chris said as he walked up to him. "What are you doing here"?

"I'm collecting money for the rent". He replied as he turned the bucket around.

Written on the bucket was: RED CROSS, PLEASE DONATE.

"That's not very nice". Chris said.

"So"? Wesker asked. "Neither is the amount of rent we have to pay for the guild every month".

Suddenly a man in a santa suit set up a salvation army coin bucket, and began ringing his bell.

"Merry Christmas"! He yelled. "Please donate to help out your fellow man"!

In response to this, Wesker hit him in the head with his bucket, and then kicked him, knocking him out.

"Sorry, Santa". Wesker said as he took all the coins. "I'm working this side of the street".

"Oh, my god"! A woman yelled. "What happened to santa"?

"He, uh...um". Wesker replied. "He has Narcolepsy"! "Yeah, he has Narcolepsy"! "Please donate so that we can find a cure for this poor man".

"Oh, of course".

She put some coins into Wesker's bucket, and walked away.

"Suckers". Wesker said as he set the bucket down. "I love getting rich off of stupid people with good morals". "Oh, that reminds me that I have some good news".

"Did you find my sister"? Chris asked.

"No, but I did save a bunch of money by switching my car insurance to geico".

"Oh".

"That and I heard roumors about a seeress who lives with a large and bloodthirsty group of bandits, led by Barry the Bandit King". "She might be able to help you".

"Ok, how do I find them"?

"Just head down to the beach, and go through the cave". "It won't be easy from there on in".

"Ok". "Is there any more advise you can give me"?

"Once you get through the cave, you will have to sneak past the guards to get in the main gate".

"Alright".

"Then you will have to find a disguise to get in the rest of the way".

"Ok".

"Also, don't plant corn in the winter".

Chris was confused.

"Corn in the winter"? He asked. What does that have to do with my mission"?

"Nothing". Wesker replied as he picked up the bucket. "But it's good advise just the same". "Well, my bucket's full, so see you later".

Wesker teleported away, and Chris ran down to the beach toward the cave.


	16. Sneaking Into The Bandit Camp

After going through the cave, Chris found himself on some kind of cliftop path.

Off in the distance he could see a large wooden gate, and he was about to start running toward it, when he saw the three bandits sitting by a rock a few meters behind it.

"Hmmmmm". He said to himself. "I seem to have three choices".

His first option would be to turn around and forget all about this, but that wouldn't get him very far.

His second option was to attack the bandits head on, but that would most likely get him killed.

His last option was to hide like a little bitch, and sneak past them.

"THREE IT IS"! He shouted.

Then he quickly covered his mouth after realising what he just did, and dove into a small bush.

"Did you hear something"? The first bandit asked.

"Yeah". The second bandit replied. "It sounded like some idiot screaming like a damn fool".

"Nayh". The third one replied. "Only a dumbshit retard would be out here trying to sneak in". "I mean, what kind of a jackass would actually want to get in here"?

The other two nodded, and Chris relaxed as they stopped looking around. But what he needed now was a way past them.

Then the idea hit him, and he pulled the bush out of the ground. Now only his feet could be seen as he walked toward the gate.

Suddenly a question mark appeared over the first bandit's head, and Chris dropped to the ground as he began searching.

"What was that noise"? The bandit asked as he walked over to the bush.

He looked around for a few seconds, and then stopped as the question mark went away.

"Just a bush". He said as he walked away.

Chris was now filled with more confidence then ever as he crept toward the gate, and now since he had something right, his head was filled with visions of what life would be like once people heard of this.

Jill and Ada would be so impressed that they would want to sleep with him, Wesker would be proud, and Liquid would stop kicking him in the nuts.

He was so caught up in his daydreams that he didn't notice the rock in the road until he tripped on it, and broke his disguise.

The bush was now gone, and exclemation points appeared over the bandit's heads as they looked at him.

"Who's that"?! They yelled as they came after him. "Shut the gates"!

Chris had no choice but to run for it as the gate started closing. He ran as fast as he could, pushing himself to his absolute limits as the gate continued to close.

At the last second he dove through, and it looked like he made it. That was until the gate finished closing, and he screamed as horrible pain shot through his body.

That was when he realised that his ass was caught in the gate.

Outside, the bandits just laughed at him.

"Let's help him out, huh"? They laughed as they began kicking him in the ass.

They must have kicked him atleast 10 times before he was kicked free, and the gate finished closing.

It took about 10 minutes for the pain to go away, and he was glad that there was no one around to see him crying on the ground like a sissy man.

But once he was on his feet, he realised that if he was to make it into the camp, he would need a better disguise.

He looked around for a second, and then saw a bunch of clothes laying on a wooden fence. And scattered among thoes clothes was everything he needed for a complete set of bandit gear.

There were some more bandits walking down the road, so he ran along the fence, quickly grabbing clothes and putting them into his bag.

Then he jumped into the bushes, and got into his disguise as the bandits got to the gate.

"Did you hear what happened to Phil"? The first one asked.

"No, what"? His buddy asked.

"They were about to let some new guy into their gang, but the guards killed them during their song".

Chris knew that it was now or never, and as he jumped out he could only pray that his disguise would work, and that they would think he was just another bandit.

So he came out of the bushes, and the bandits stopped as they looked at him.

"Hey there, pretty thing". The first bandit said.

"She'll do nicely". His buddy replied.

Chris was confused by this, until he looked at the wooden fence, and gasped when he saw that the bandit gear was still there.

So he looked at himself, and his jaw dropped when he saw that instead of the bandit gear, he was wearing a dress and a red wig.

Suddenly the bandits grabbed him, and tossed him into a caged wagon with three women.

"We're gonna have fun with you three". The first bandit said as they locked the cage.

"Yeah". His buddy replied as they got into the driver's part of the wagon. "Lots of fun".

The wagon started moving, and all of the bandits along the road whistled at them as they were driven past.

Soon the passed through another gate, into a camp that was filled completely with bandits. Chris thought that this was the place, but then they passed through a second gate.

The wagon went up a small hill, and then the cage was dropped to the ground.

"Now you ladies wait here". The bandit said. "We'll be back for you tonight".

The two bandits walked away laughing, and Chris was left wondering how he was going to get out of the cage.

But atleast he had gotten into the camp.


	17. The Bandit King

Chris paced back and fourth in the cage, wondering how he was supposed to get out of this one.

The lock was solid, and there seemed to be no one but bandits around.

"What would guildmaster Liquid do"? He asked himself.

(FLASHBACK)

"Remember, Chicken Chaser"! Liquid said. "If you are ever retarded enough to be put into a cage, YOUR DUMBASS DESERVES TO ROT IN THERE"!

Then he kicked Chris in the nuts, and laughed as he fell over.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"Well, that sure helped". He said to himself.

He was about to give up, when he saw three men around a fire, who didn't look like bandits.

"Hey"! Chris whispered. "Psst"! "Psst"! "You guys"!

They noticed him calling, and Carlos, Mikhail, and Nikoli walked up to the cage.

"What to you want, girl"? Carlos asked.

"I'm not a girl". Chris replied as he took off the wig.

The mercenaries cringed.

"Wow". Carlos continued. "The bandit king's standards have really gone down".

"I'm here from the hero's guild". Chris explained. "And I need your help".

"Well, that depends on what you need, and how much you are willing to pay".

"I'll give you 50 gold if you cause a distraction that will allow me to get into the bandit king's camp".

"Deal".

Chris handed him the gold, and the mercenaries began attacking the bandits head on, causing an incredible distraction.

But that was when Chris realised that he was still stuck in the cage.

"God, you're an idiot". One of the girls said as she pushed him out of the way. "Let me show you how to get out".

Within seconds she popped the lock, and the cage opened. Then they pushed him out, and closed the door.

"Aren't you going to escape"? Chris asked.

"Hell no". They replied. "They're paying us too much for us to escape".

"Well, alright then".

Chris walked behind a tree, and did an instant costume change. Unfortionatly he walked out from behind the tree with his gloves on his feet, a boot on his head, and that was it.

So he quickly went back behind the tree, and came out with his regular clothes on. Then he ran to the last gate, an went through to the bandit king's area.

"What is this"? Barry said.

Chris gasped as he saw the dozens of bandits, and at the end of the lines was Barry the bandit king.

"What is this"? Barry repeated.

"That's Chicken Chaser". A bandit replied. "The hero who got Phil's gang killed".

"Woah, this camp is dangerous"! "We should tell the boss"!

"But, you are the boss".

"Oh, shit"! "When did this happen"?

"You've always been the boss".

Barry just looked at him funny.

"Remember"? He continued. "When you left the guild of heros and started this whole gang".

Barry stood there for a second, and then it was as if a lightbulb went off over his head.

"Oh, yeah"! He screamed. "I remember now"! "And that means that I have to fuck this guy up"!

He screamed as he ran at Chris, and then he tackled him, and started beating the shit out of him.

He punched him, kicked him, made him eat mouthfulls of dirt, and then he even made him listen to Carrot Top for a few hours.

Once he was done, he lifted Chris over his head, and the bandits cheered.

"I'm gonna dump him over the clif". Barry said. "I'll be right back".

He ran down another path far away from the other bandits, and as he got to the edge it looked like it was the end for Chris.

But then some of the ground eroded out from under Barry, causing him to fall, and Chris to land on the very edge.

"WOAH"! Barry screamed as he fell. "THIS FALL IS DANGEROUS"!

He crashed into the ground, and Chris got to his feet. Then he ran back to the tent, and all the bandits were now afraid of him.

"HA HA HA"! Chris laughed. "I have defeated the bandit king, but I will spare your lives if you run away now"!

The bandits ran away, and then a woman stepped out of the big tent.

"What the fuck is all the racket"? Claire demanded as she walked over to him.

Then she stopped and rolled her eyes.

"What's wrong, Chris"? She asked. "Don't you recognise your own sister"?

She suddenly spun him around, and booted him in the ass, making him eat dirt.

"IT IS YOU"! He screamed as he spit out the dirt.


	18. Long Lost Sister

Claire was forced to watch as her worthless drunk of a father was killed during the oakvale raid, and her mother was taken prisoner.

The bandits had their fun with her and then left her to die in the forest, where she wandered around for three days before encountering Barry the bandit king.

The bandit king's complete absense of mind allowed her to control his every move, and her natural talent for maiming and torture made her enemies back the hell off.

She also seemed to have a bit of tlent for seeing the future, and that was why the bandits did so well.

She had a good thing going for her, but through all of this she blamed Chris for what happened to her home town. If only they could have remembered where his worthless ass had run off to...

Chris slammed into the ground once again as Claire punched him in the face.

"Why are you so worthless"? She asked as she kicked him. "Why do you keep having to fuck everything up for everyone"? "Why are there no chinese players in the NHL"? "ANSWER ME, DAMN YOU"!

She picked him up, swung him around, and tossed him into a fire, making him scream as his ass was set ablaze.

He jumped out of the fire, and ran around screaming until Claire stuck out her fist. He ran right into it and fell on his back, putting out the flames.

"I should kill you right here". She said as she put her foot on his chest. "But in my dreams I saw that it is not yet time for you to die".

"It's not"? He asked. "Well, that's good".

"I see in the future that you will have to make a choice". "Good or evil". "Coke or Pepsi". "McDonalds or burger king".

"But, how can I be expected to make such a choice"? "Thoes are really hard".

In response to this, she kicked him in the ribs.

"God, you are worthless". She said. "But since you are here, I guess that we should try to find mother".

"Mother"? Chris asked. "Is she alive"?

"No, we are going to find her because she is dead". "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK"?!

She started kicking him again, but then stopped after only about 15 kicks.

"I'm going to try to find more information about mom". Claire said as she stopped kicking him. "You just keep doing whatever it is that you do, and maybe you will get lucky".

She kicked him one more time for good measure, and then she walked out of the camp. As for Chris, he got to his feet, and started walking out.

But once he went through the first gate, he was shocked to see hundreds of bandits waiting for him.

"Is that the assclown who killed Barry"? One asked.

"That's him". Another one replied. "What should we do with him"?

"WE SHOULD FUCK HIM UP"!

Chris began backing away as they approached, but then he fell on his back, and a capital one card fell out of his pocket.

"YOU HAVE GOT TO BE SHITING ME"! The leader yelled as he saw it. "NOW WE CAN'T TOUCH HIM"!

Chris was relieved, and suddenly jumped to his feet.

"HA HA HA"! He yelled as he struck his hero pose. "AS YOU CAN SEE, YOUR POWERS ARE USELESS AGAINST ME"! "HAHAHAHAHA"!

As Chris continued laughing, a bandit picked up the card, and gasped as he looked at it. Then he handed it to the leader and whispered something into his ear.

"Good news, boys"! The leader yelled. "The hero's card expired two weeks ago"!

Suddenly Chris stopped laughing, and the bandits started laughing as they started approaching again.

The bandits charged, and Chris screamed as he backed away, accidently stepping into a cullis gate, and vanishing just before they had him.

"RARRRRRRRRRR"! The leader roared. "WHAT'S IN YOUR WALLET"?!

Chris had his eyes closed, and kept screaming as he fell on his ass.

"What the fuck is your problem"?! A fimiliar voice yelled.

Chris opened his eyes, and was shocked to find himself in the maproom in the guild, with Liquid standing over him.

"Well"? Liquid asked.

He got to his feet, and was about to explain himself, but he found himself on the ground again as Liquid kicked him in the nuts.

"That was for making an ass of yourself without permission". Liquid said. "And this is for not answering me when I ask you something".

Liquid then uppercutted him, making him fall onto his back.

"That's enough". Liquid said. "Now get on your feet"!

Chris slowly got up.

"I swear to god, Chicken Chaser"! Liquid yelled. "If you don't stop embarresing my guild I will stomp a mudhole in your ass the size of calcutta"! "Do I make myself clear"?!

"Yes, guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Good, now Wesker wants to see you in his chambers". "WHY ARE YOU NOT GONE YET"?!

Chris took off running, and was almost to Wesker's chambers, when he was stopped by Leon.

"Come to play with the other children, have you"? He asked.

"Huh"? Chris asked.

"Jill should have taught you a lesson at the farm, but she seemes to have a soft spot for you".

"Do you even know her"?

"Sure, I do". "She is my sister"!

"No, she's not".

"How dare you"! "I should use my training to

He was interupted by a beer bottle shattering at his feet.

"LEON"! Liquid screamed. "WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU IN MY GUILD"?! "GET THE FUCK OUT"!

More beer bottles shattered around them, causing Leon to run away, and allowing Chris to continue toward Wesker's chambers.


	19. Onward To Witchwood

Chris walked up the stairs to Wesker's chambers, and when he got there, he saw him looking through a telescope.

"Yeah, baby". Wesker said as he looked into it. "That's it".

Chris got a closer look and saw that the telescope was aimed at the women's shower room.

"Yeah". Wesker continued. "Wash the soap off, that's right".

"Uh, Wesker"? Chris asked.

Startled, Wesker knocked the telescope out the window, and then there was a screaming sound from below.

"HA HA, bitch"! An apprentice yelled. "Not the fastest apprentice in the guild anymore, are you"?

Back in Wesker's chambers, Wesker turned around to see Chris standing there.

"So". He said. "Your little whore of a sister is still alive, huh"?

"Yeah". Chris replied. "What were you doing with the telescope"?

"I was keeping a watchful eye on all of my apprentices". "The first rule of being a good leader is to always know what your underlings are up to".

"Wow, Wesker". "You sure are a good leader".

"Yes, I know". "Now, the reason I asked you here is because I want you to track down a little shitbag, er, I mean a friend of mine so that we can have him killed, er, uh, I mean to make sure that he is safe".

"You can count on me, Wesker".

"Good".

"Where should I start looking"?

"He is roumored to be somewhere around witchwood". "The guildmaster will tell you how to get there". "Ready, go".

Chris was so proud of himself at recieving an important quest, that as he ran, he forgot that he had to go down a flight of stairs.

Wesker just shook his head as he heard the crashing and screaming.

"Now how the hell am I gonna get another telescope"? He asked.

Once he crashed to the bottom, he jumped to his feet and ran to the maproom.

"Guildmaster"! He called as he reached the room. "Guildmaster"!

Liquid responded to this by giving him yet another kick to the nuts, dropping him to his hands and knees.

"What do you want, Chicken Chaser"? Liquid asked.

"Guildmaster". Chris said as he got up. "Wesker is sending me to witchwood on an important quest".

"So what"?

"He said that you could tell me how to get there, guildmaster".

"Oh, he did, did he"?

"Yes, guildmaster".

"Well, ain't that just fucking peachy"? "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kick you in the nuts as hard as I possibly can"!

"Um".

"Too late"!

Liquid quickly pulled his leg back, and slammed his foot into Chris's nuts with all of his strength, lifting him off the ground, and sending him flying into the cullis gate, where he dissapeared.

"Your welcome". Liquid said as he walked back to the map.

One second Chris was in the guild, and the next he was eating a mouthful of mud in a rain filled forest.

There was a sign next to him, and it said: WELCOME TO WITCHWOOD.

And scratched under it was written: GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

"Thanks, guildmaster". Chris said as he got up. "Something tells me that this is the place".

He started walking for a few minutes, and came up to a demon door.

"Alright, dumbass". It said. "You want in, you need to work out my name".

"Is it Bob"? Chris asked.

The demon door's jaw dropped.

"How did you know"? It asked.

"I didn't". He replied. "I just guessed.

"Whatever, go on in".

The door opened, and Chris walked in.

"AHHHHHH"! Brad shrieked. "Who's that"?!

"I'm Chris". He replied. "Are you Wesker's friend"?

"Friend"?! "He's the one that I was

Suddenly he was interupted by a dozen guards running in and tackling him.

"We're here to take him into protective custody". The guard said as they tied him up. "Wesker thanks you for a successful quest".

"Awesome". Chris replied.

"NO"! Brad screamed as they took him. "They want to have me kil

The guard suddenly whacked Brad in the head, knocking him out.

"Slimy little fuc...". The guard started. "Er, I mean, um, we had to restrain him for his own good". "He, uh, um, he had a knife"!

"He did"? Chris asked.

The guard quickly took his knife, and put it on Brad's belt.

"Oh, my god"! Chris yelled. "How did you know"?!

"It's our job". He replied. "Well, see ya".

The guards took Brad away, and Chris walked back out of the demon door so that he could start exploring witchwood.


	20. The Temple Of Avo

After leaving the demon door behind, Chris continued walking down a path until he came to a very impressive looking building that looked a bit like a church.

"This looks like a nice place". Chris said as he walked toward it. "Atleast it will get me out of the rain for a few minutes".

He opened the door, and was greeted by soft music, and a warm fire. There was a priest standing by a fountain, and every window was stained glass.

"Welcome to the temple of avo". The priest said as he walked in. "Please place your gold into this little fountain here".

"My gold"? Chris asked.

"Yes". "In order to recieve that blessings of avo, you must give freely of your gold".

Chris was confused.

"So, I have to bribe the gods to get good stuff"? He asked.

"Basically, yes". The priest replied.

He only had a little bit of gold left, so there was no way that he was going to give it all to some priest, especially since the last one he talked to wanted his soul.

"I'm afraid that I'll have to pass". He said.

"That's unfortionate". The priest replied.

The priest then snapped his fingers, and two Mr. X tyrants came out from behind curtains, and grabbed him.

"Hey"! Chris yelled as they held his arms. "What gives"?!

One of them punched him in the stomach, shutting him up while he coughed and gasped for breath.

"Let's try this again". The priest said. "If you give freely of your gold, you will recieve the blessings of avo".

"What kind of blessings"? Chris asked.

"For example, if you give gold, my big friends here won't do things like this".

They suddenly shoved Chris's head into the fountain's water, and held him there for a few seconds before bringing him back up.

"What kind of church is this"?! Chris yelled.

The two Mr. X's then began beating the shit out of him for a few minutes, and then they brought him back to the fountain.

"So as you can see". The priest continued. "Avo can be very loving and merciful". "And part of all money donated goes to a very good cause".

"What cause"? Chris asked.

"The foundation for the, uh, um, the uh, really ...sad...kids with, um, the, uh...hurt ... um... puppies". "Yeah, that's it".

"That's not a real cause".

"Ok, smartass". "Then how about donating to the save the hero's teeth foundation"?

They resumed beating Chris's ass for a few minutes, and once again brought him to the fountain.

"Help him to donate". The priest ordered.

Chris screamed as they picked him up, and held him upside down over the fountain. Then they started shaking him, making his gold fall into the fountain.

"Avo thanks you for your donation". The priest said as they brought him down. "May his blessings go with you on your travels".

"You took all my gold". Chris said.

"Yes, and your generosity is most appreciated".

"You gotta leave me with something".

The two Mr. X's growled at him.

"Ok". The priest said. "How about we leave you with your legs"?

"That seems fair". Chris quickly replied.

"Good, I knew you were a reasonable hero". "My friends will now show you out".

They suddenly tossed him out the door, making him eat an extra large mouthful of mud as he hit the ground.

"I'm beginning to understand why people become athiests". He said as he got to his feet. "Either they want your soul or they want your money".

He started walking away, but then he saw some people gathered behind the church, and Chris decided to check it out.

Apon closer examination, he saw that they were standing around some kind of sword in the stone. And there was some young boy about to try and pull it out.

Chris joined the crowd, and a blue robed wizard hushed everyone as the boy grabbed it. Then with one jerk, the boy pulled the sword from the stone, and everyone cheered.

Then suddenly Liquid teleported in, kicked the boy in the nuts, and grabbed the sword.

"Thanks, kid". He said as the wizard walked up to him. "I've been waiting years for someone to pull that out".

"You can't do that"! The wizard yelled as lightning gathered in his hands. "I shall strike you down for trying to rob this child of his desti

Suddenly Liquid took out his can of mace, and sprayed it right into the wizard's eyes, making him scream as he fell over.

"Well". Liquid said as he shiethed his new sword. "It's been fun, but I have to go".

"Please, sir". The kid said. "That sword must stay with the one who pulled it out, as a sign that will inspire them to unite as one people".

"Yeah, I bet you believe in the easter bunny, too, huh"?

Liquid then maced the kid, and teleported away.

The crowd was silent for awhile, and no one knew what to do.

"TO THE KNOTHOLE GLADE TAVERN"! A man screamed. "WE WILL GET DRUNK TO FORGET OUR PROBLEMS"!

The crowd cheered, and Chris got draggea along with them as they headed for the nearest town.


	21. The Terror Of Knothole Glade

The crowd pushed and shoved their way through the forest, and Chris was dragged along with them.

"Where are we going"? He asked.

"Knothole Glade". A man replied. "And we're gonna get druuuuuuuunk"!

"Ok".

They kept moving along, and soon the lights of a town could be seen in the distance.

"There it is"! Another man yelled. "TO THE TAVERN"!

They all cheered as they ran toward the town, but suddenly came to a screeching hault as they noticed that something was wrong.

The large wooden gate was locked shut, and there were bodies laying around everywhere.

"There's something wrong here". Chris said as he looked around. "But I just can't put my finger on it".

Suddenly a small group of balverines jumped in from out of nowhere, and stood in front of the people.

"Alright, I have a plan". Chris said as the beasts closed in. "But that means that we all have to work togather, ok guys"? ..."Guys"?

He turned around just in time to see the last of the group dissapearing down the trail where they came from.

"God damn it". Chris said as he turned back toward the beasts. "Then I guess that there is only one thing to do".

They came at him, and he screamed as he ran toward the wooden gate.

"LET ME IN"! He squeeled as he pounded on the gate with both fists. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET ME IN"!

There was no answer, so he kept pounding as the balverines ran at him.

One of the beasts jumped at him, and he screamed as he quickly climbed up the gate, and went over the other side, causing him to fall into a rather large mudhole.

He got to his feet as fast as he could, and spit out a mouthful of mud as a man walked up to him.

"Did you just come over the fence"? Chief Iorns asked.

"Yeah". Chris replied as he wiped the mud off.

"How did you get up there"?

Chris looked back up at the gate and saw that it was atleast 50 feet high.

"I don't know". He said as he looked back at the chief.

"It doesn't matter". Iorns replied. "Are you from the guild of heros"?

"I sure am".

"Good, because we need a hero to stop the horrible monster that has been terrorising our village for weeks now".

Chris filled with pride as he realised that he was getting yet another chance to prove his skill and natural hero-ness.

"Relax, good people"! Chris yelled as he struck his hero pose. "I will defeat this monster, and restore peace to this quiet little town"!

The villagers cheered, and Chris was loving it.

"So". He continued. "What kind of monster are we talking about"?

"The kind that's standing right behind you". Iorns replied.

Chris turned around just in time to see Nemesis's fist coming at him, and the next thing he knew, he was flying across the road and crashing into a bunch of boxes.

"Good luck, hero"! Iorns called as he walked away. "Let us know how it turns out"!

Nemesis ran at him, and Chris dove out of the way just in time, causing the monster to crash through a wall.

"How am I gonna get out of this one"? He asked himself as Nemesis got up.

The monster came at him again, and Chris once again climbed over the wall, but Nemesis crashed through it, causing him to fall on the monster's head, knocking him down.

"The hero's got him"! A villager yelled. "What a fight this is"!

Nemesis then got to his feet, grabbed Chris by the back of the neck, and tossed him, making the hero scream as he bounced off several trees before hitting the ground.

After he hit the ground, he rolled rown the hill, and landed in the lake.

He was just getting to his feet, when Nemesis jumped down, and roared at him, once again making him piss himself.

Then the monster raised his fist for the death blow, when an alarm went off.

"Shit"! Nemesis said as he checked his micky mouse watch. "Lunch break's over, I gotta get back to the demon door"!

He then took off, leaving Chris standing there like a dumbass.

"Lunch break"? He asked.

After he came back to reality, he got out of the lake, and walked back to town, where they greeted him like a hero.

"You drove off the beast"! Iorns yelled as Chris walked into the gate.

"I did"? Chris asked.

"Poor hero, you must be in shock from your horrible fight". "We heard the roaring and feared the worst, but here you are"!

The villagers continued chering for a few minutes, and then another man walked up to him.

"Alright, everyone out of the way". He ordered. "I'm on official UPS business".

He pushed his way up to Chris, and took out a clipboard.

"Are you Chris Redfield, also known as Chicken Chaser"? He asked.

"That's me". Chris replied.

"I got some packages for you". "A letter from someone named Claire, and a small package from Guildmaster Liquid of the guild of heros". "Just need you to sign right here".

Chris signed the clip board, and the UPS man handed him the letter, but stopped when he looked at the package.

"Oh". He said. "There are some special delivery instructions for this package".

"What are they"? Chris asked.

"It says here that this package must be delivered with a swift and punctual kick in the nuts".

"What"?

The UPS man suddenly slammed his foot into Chris's nuts, and then he dropped the box in front of him as he fell.

"Have a good day". He said as he walked off.

Once Chris recovered, he opened the letter, and it was from Claire, telling him to meet her at the grey house once he got the chance, and that that chance had better be soon if he knew what was good for him.

Then he opened the box from Liquid, and he jumped for joy as he saw what was inside.

It was his nomination from the guild for him to fight in the arena.

He waisted no time in putting it into his pocket, and running out of knothole glade.


	22. Deception In The Arena

As Chris folowed the signs to the arena, he read over his nomination.

It Read: Dear Chicken Chaser, this letter is to inform you that you have been selected over all other heros in the guild to fight in the arena.

This is an incredible honor, and I am confident that the training you recieved from me in addition from your real world expierience will enable you to succeed.

In other words: DON'T FUCK THIS UP, OR I'LL FUCK YOU UP!

Kindest regards,

Guildmaster Liquid.

Soon Chris reached the arena enterance, and was so excited as he ran, that he didn't see the wet grass in front of him.

He slipped, and slid right into the guard, making them both crash through the door.

"Ah". The guard said as he got up. "You must be the Chicken Chaser that Liquid told us about". "Just head down the hall and you will find the arena".

The guard grumbled as he walked away, and soon Chris was on his feet and on his way to the ready room, where he would do some last minute preparations before entering the fight of his life.

Once he opened the door and walked in, the guards ran up to him.

"Are you the Chicken Chaser"? They asked.

"Yes". Chris replied.

"Alright then, let's go".

They suddenly grabbed him, and dragged him to the arena doors.

"Wait"! He yelled as they opened the door. "I'm not ready yet"!

Without another word they tossed him out into the arena, where he recieved another mouth full of dirt as the crowd cheered.

"Ladies and Gentilmen". The announcer said as Chris got up. "I give you Chicken Chaser, most known for quests like killing Barry the bandit king and getting the fisher creek canibal arrested".

The crowd cheered for him, and then the gate opened and Jill walked out.

"And our second competitor this evening". The announcer continued. "Is Jill, famous for being one sweet piece of ass".

The crowd cheered for her, while Chris and Jill just looked at eachother.

"What are you doing here, Chris"? She asked as she walked over to him.

"I was nominated by Guildmaster Liquid". He replied. "Why are you here"?

"You must be dumber then I thought". "I was nominated, and my letter says that I'm the only one to compete today".

"So does mine".

They quickly compaired letters, and noticed that they were exactly the same.

"What the hell is going on here"? Jill asked as the gate closed.

"I don't know". Chris replied.

"What a surprise that is".

What they didn't see was Liquid sitting in the third row in the stands with a bucket of popcorn, and extra large soda, and some 80's style 3D glasses.

"Let's see them get out of this one". He said as he munched the popcorn. "It's like shooting fish in a bucket".

"Ladies and Gentilmen". The announcer said. "In this team match part of the competition, our heros will have the honor of facing a creature that has not been defeated since the last appearance of Guildmaster Liquid and Leon in the arena".

"I don't like the sound of that". Chris said.

"And now for your viewing pleasure I give you Black Tiger".

Suddenly the giant spider broke out from underground, and charged at them. Jill instantly jumped out of the way, and Chris screamed as it began chasing him around the arena.

The spider slowly got closer and closer to him, and he screamed louder and louder as they circled back to where Jill was.

Then just as it looked like the end for Chris, Jill tossed her staff, spearing the giant spider right through the eyes, killing it instantly.

The crowd cheered, and Chris slowly got himself under control.

"Wow, ladies and gentilmen". The announcer said. "The Black Tiger is down". "Defeated using the same stratagy Guildmaster Liquid and Leon used last time, no less". "What a team these two heros are".

"God damn it to hell"! Liquid yelled as he tossed his popcorn. "I just lost 500 gold"!

"Was that it"? Chris asked. "Did we win"?

"I don't know". Jill replied. "Ha, the guildmaster must have known that we could only survive as a team".

"And now, if I could have your attention, please". The announcer continued. "Here to present the prize is a very special guest that has not been seen in a hundred years".

The crowd hushed in suspense, wondering who it would be.

"That's right". The announcer continued. "It's none other then the greatest damn duelest to ever fight in the arena". "The one, the only, Saddler of blades"!

The crowd roared to life as Saddler walked out on top of a piller.

"Greetings to all of my victem,er, uh, I mean my fans". Saddler said. "This arena is the best thing to hit albian since the toaster". "In fact you might say that it's off the hizzel fo shizzel my nizzel".

The crowd was silent.

"Anyway". Saddler continued. "There are two heros standing in front of me, and only one can have the prize".

"What does that mean"? Chris whispered to Jill.

"That means that the final round today will be a fight to the death between these two shitbag, er, I mean these two heros".

"But they can't do that".

"Yes, you heard me right". "Fight to the death...ready, go"!


	23. Battle For The Championship

"You heard it, ladies and gentilmen". The announcer said as the crowd cheered. "A good old fashined death match". "And as an added bonus, we're adding blades to the match".

Chris gasped as the ground opened in several spots and nasty looking propellers came up.

"We can't fight to the death". He said. "You're my best friend". "So, we should both refuse to

He was interupted by Jill hitting him in the stomach with her staff, making him double over. Then she brought it down toward his back, but he screamed and rolled out of the way.

"That's what I'm talking about". Liquid said as he took a drink of his coke. "I just might get my 500 gold after all".

"Excuse me, Mr. Liquid". A kid next to him with a lolly pop asked.

"What"?

"I was wondering if you could tell me how many licks it takes to get to the chewy center of a tootse pop"?

He suddenly grabbed the tootse pop out of the kid's hand.

"Hey"! The kid yelled.

"Sweet"! Liquid said as he put it in his mouth. "Free lolly pops"! "Thanks, kid"!

Back in the arena, Jill was chasing Chris around, obviously trying to kill him.

"Can't we work this out"? Chris asked as she swung at him.

"Sure". She replied. "All it takes is for you to hold still for a second".

"Ok".

He stopped moving, and Jill whacked him in the nuts with her staff, dropping him to his hands and knees.

"And now, Chris". She said as she raised it up for the death blow. "Say your prayers"!

She brought it down, but he shrieked like a bitch and ducked at the last second, causing her staff to get caught in the closest propeller.

The staff was ripped out of her hands, and the propeller brought it all the way around, slamming her right in the head.

She fell onto her back as Chris got up, and when he looked at her, he saw that she was out cold.

"Jill is down". The announcer said as the gate opened behind Chris. "Will the Chicken Chaser finish her off to collect the prize"? "Or will he show mercy"?

"Oh, man". Chris said to himself. "She's gonna be pissed when she wakes up". "I better get out of here while I can".

He then turned heel, and ran back through the gate as the crowd cheered.

"What a hero". The announcer said. "Not only does he refuse to hit a woman, but he also shows mercy".

"GOD DAMN IT TO HELL"! Liquid screamed as he tossed his drink. "THEY CAN'T EVEN KILL EACHOTHER PROPERLY"!

Meanwhile, back in the building Chris walked right through the ready room, and back into the hall.

"Well done". Saddler said as he walked out. "You threw away all of that gold just to save pretty little Jill".

"Uh, um, sure". Chris replied.

"Walk with me, hero". "I want to show you something".

They started walking, and Chris began to notice large statues.

"This is the hall of heros". Saddler explained. "All of the greatest heros and arena champions are on display here".

There was a statue of a man kicking another man in the nuts.

"Ah". Saddler said. "You have discovered the statue of Liquid and Leon". "He is kicking him in the nuts because Liquid bet 1000 gold that Leon would die in their team match, and he didn't".

The next statue was of a girl with a large axe.

"And this is Scarlet Rebecca". Saddler explained. "Your mother".

Dramatic music started playing, and lightning flashed.

"How did that happen"? Chris asked.

"What"? Saddler asked.

"There was that music again". "And how did we see lightning when we are inside, and there are no windows"?

"You ask too many questions". "But be quiet, because we are about to get another narritive".

Yes, the hero's mother was none other then Scarlet Rebecca, slayer of Balverines, and one of the sweetest pieces of ass in all of albian.

One day after fighting some Balverines, she got drunk at a party and passed out in the woods. There she was found by a hunter from oakvale named Enricho.

He did nasty things to her that night, but was then stuck with her when it was discovered that he had gotten her pregnant.

"Wow". Chris said. "Who does thoes narritives"?

"That's not important". Saddler replied. "The important thing is that she might still be alive".

"Alive"?

"Yeah, you know, the opposite of dead"?

"Of course"! "How did I not see it before"? "It's so simple, yet no one would ever think that if someone is not dead that they would be alive".

Saddler just looked at him for a second.

"Yes". He said. "I heard a rumor that she was locked up somewhere". "Your sister might know more, so take your champion's seal, and get the fuck away from me".

"Ok"! Chris yelled. "I'm on the job"!

Chris took the seal, and ran toward the exit as Saddler just shook his head.

As he ran down the hall, he was stopped by Alexia and Leon.

"But, Alexia". Leon whined. "He's nothing compaired to me".

"Silence, fool". She ordered. "Why are you following me, anyway"?

"Aren't you the mayor of bowerstone"? Chris asked as he walked up to them.

"I certainly am". She replied. "I just love arena champions, but Leon is incompetent, so my only option is you".

"What about Guildmaster Liquid"?

"Oh, Liquid was fun for awhile, but then we started trying to kill eachother, and decided that it just wouldn't work out".

"Kill eachother"?

"Yeah, I would try to poisen his coffie, then he would try to burn the house down while I was asleep, you know how it goes".

"Uh, sure".

"So, why don't you come visit me in bowerstone north"? "I promise that I'll make it worth your while".

She then walked away, with Leon following her like a dog.

"But, Alexia". Leon whined again. "I thought you loved me".

"Go away"! She ordered as they walked out of the arena.

Chris then jumped for joy, because this was the first time that a consious woman was ever attracted to him.

Then he ran out the door, leaving the arena behind.


	24. Breaking The Siege

Chris was excited as he left the arena, but as soon as he was outside, he recieved a surprise kick in the nuts, dropping him to his knees.

"Hey, you little fuck nugget"! Liquid yelled as he grabbed him by the collar.

"Guildmaster"! Chris exclaimed. "I won the arena championship"!

"I know"! "And you just cost me 500 gold"!

Liquid punched him in the face, and tossed him into a mud puddle.

"Worthless little cock clown". Liquid grumbled as he walked away.

He then teleported away, and Chris got to his feet.

"I get it". Chris said as he cleaned himself off again. "That must have been his way of showing how proud he is of me". "Don't worry, Guildmaster, I'll never let you down".

The first thing he needed to do was see what his sister wanted, so he would have to use one of thoes cullis gates to get to the grey house.

If he remembered right, there was one in knothole glade. So he walked down the path toward the village, and stopped when he noticed that something wasn't right.

There were a few dead villagers laying around, and there were bandit tents put up all over the place.

"Hey, you"! A bandit called. "Over here"!

Chris walked up to him.

"Alright, hero". He said. "This is what's up". "Our leader has been captured by the village chief, and we want you to discuss terms with them".

"But I just want to use the cullis gate". Chris replied.

"And we want to use your balls for a good game of marbles". "SO GET INTO THE GOD DAMN VILLAGE"!

Chris ran through the gates, and soon found Chief Iorns.

"These mother fuckers"! Iorns yelled as Chris walked up to him. "Every time I turn around for 3 god damn seconds, these mother fuckers kidnap someone or lay siege to our village"!

"What happened"? Chris asked.

"Well, we caught their leader wearing a dress in public". "And here we don't tolerate faggotry on any level".

"I see".

"We would just cut the bastard's head off, but they surrounded the village and kidnapped my youngest son before we had the chance".

"Thoes assholes". "What can I do to help"?

"If you can get my son back, we can kill the bandit leader and his friends". "But I'm warning you, if anything happens to my son I will bend you over that log over there and make you squeel like a pig".

"I understand". "Where are they keeping him"?

"In the demon door cave right next to the archery range". "Do not fuck this up, or I will make you my bitch in more ways then one".

"If I get him back, can I use the cullis gate"?

"Sure, whatever, JUST GO"!

Chris turned around, and ran back outside to the bandits.

"I need to speak with your boss". He said.

"He's in the demon door cave". The bandit replied.

"Thanks".

He ran past the archery range, and into the demon door cave, and was surprised at who was holding the kid hostage.

"Hey". Chris said as he walked in. "Aren't you the mercenaries from twinblade's camp"?

"That's right". Carlos replied. "Who are you"?

"I'm the one who paid you guys to distract the bandits for me".

"Oh, that's right". "You were that sweet little thing in the dress, huh"?

"Um...yeah". "Listen, can I have the kid back"?

They just laughed at him.

"No way, man". Carlos replied. "This is the only way to get our leader back".

"Then you leave me no choice". Chris said.

He lunged at Carlos, but Mikhail grabbed him, and tossed him into some barrals.

"That was a mistake, my friend". Carlos said as they walked toward him. "Now it's time for you and me to play patty cake".

Mikhail and Nikoli held his arms while Carlos began punching him in the stomach. But then Nikoli screamed as an arrow went into his chest, killing him.

As they turned around, the kid dropped the crossbow, and tossed a knife, hitting Mikhail in the head, and killing him.

"What the fuck"? Carlos asked.

Chris suddenly came up behind him with a large piece of wood, but Carlos kicked backwards, knocking him down, and making the wood hit him in the head.

Then the kid grabbed Mikhail's sword and rammed it into Carlos's stomach, killing him.

"Thanks for distracting them for me hero". He said as Chris got up. "But how did you know that I wanted to kill them myself"?

"Well, um, uh, well". Chris began. "It's um, it's what I do".

"Alright then, let's get back home so my dad can kill these mother fuckers". "But we need to be fast".

"I think I can handle that".

Outside, the bandits were shocked when Chris ran out of the cave screaming like a girl, and carrying the kid toward the village gate.

Arrows started hitting the ground around, and Chris cried like a bitch as he kept running. Then they reached the gate, and the guards ran out of the village toward the bandits.

"Thanks, hero". Iorns said as his son ran back to him. "You can use our cullis gate now".

Without another word, Chris ran into the cullis gate, leaving this fucked up place behind as the massacre continued.


	25. Minions In Darkwood

Chris stepped through the cullis gate, and instantly found himself once again in the beautiful barrow fields.

Now all that he had to do was see what his sister wanted at the grey house and then see the mayor of bowerstone...

"Hold on just a damn second". He said as he stopped himself.

He began thinking of everything that had happened since he left the guild, and it was becoming clear that the trials of being a hero were wearing him down...

He needed a rest.

"It is becoming clear that the trials of being a hero are wearing me down". He said to himself. "I need a rest".

It then occured to him that he was at the edge of darkwood forest, and even though he was afraid of it, there was something important that he still needed to do in there.

"TO THE BORDELLO"! He screamed as he ran into darkwood.

He ran past Skorm's chapel, and right through the darkwood camp, but his foot got caught in a pot over the fire, causing him to trip and fall onto a small tent.

"What the fuck, stranger"?! The merchant yelled as it collapsed.

"Sorry". Chris said as he got up. "I'm really sorry".

He fumbled with the tent for a few seconds, trying to fix it, but then he kicked the pot off of his foot, and continued running down the path.

"Hey"! The merchant yelled as Chris ran away. "Hey, stranger"! "Come back here and fix my god damn tent"!

Chris didn't listen as he continued running out of the camp, and past the ancient cullis gate, stopping only when he realised how out of breath he was.

He fell to the ground, wheezing and coughing as he tried to catch his breath. The enterance to the bordello was just across the lake, but he froze as he realised that he wasn't alone.

"What the fuck are you doing here"? Ada asked as she walked up to him.

Chris quickly jumped to his feet, and tried to think of a good lie. He didn't want her to know the truth.

"I, um". He started. "Well, I, uh, um".

"Let me guess". She replied. "The guild sent you out here to help me, right"?

"Uh, um...yeah, that's it"! "I was sent here to help you with, uh, whatever you are doing".

This obviously angered her, but atleast she didn't know that he was on his way to the bordello.

"God damn that stupid guildmaster". She said in anger. "Just because I'm an incredible piece of ass, doesn't mean that I can't defend myself".

"I didn't"! Chris quickly said. "I mean, I wasn't"!

"Relax, Chicken Chaser". "I know you were just following guild orders, so I might not have to fuck you up too bad".

"That's good to know".

"So, you might as well make yourself useful now that you're here".

Chris was starting to fill with pride once again. Not only had he covered his tracks, but he had been accepted on a quest by the hottest hero in the guild.

He could only imagine how he would be treated after this, and he began daydreaming once again.

Ada and Jill would want a threesome with him, and Wesker would reward him greatly for his prowess as a hero. Even guildmaster Liquid would say how proud he was of him, right before kicking him in the nuts.

"Hey, wake up". Ada ordered. "Something's happening".

Chris looked and saw that a bunch of minions were performing a ritual around a statue of some kind.

"My god". Chris said. "What are thoes things"?

"Here's the plan". Ada suddenly said. "I'm going over there to stop that ritual and seel that nasty looking creature from ever coming out".

"Ok, what do I do"?

"You get to distract them for me".

"Huh"?

Without warning, she suddenly grabbed him by the shirt, and tossed him over the side of the steps, making him crash into the mud.

He spit out the mud, and was starting to get up, when he found himself surrounded by minions.

"Look what we got here, brothers". One said as he grabbed Chris and lifted him up.

"What do you think it is"? Another replied.

"It looks like about 180 pounds of air pollution".

"What should we do with it"?

The minions just stood there for a few seconds in deep thought.

"I know"! Another one shouted. "Let's kick his ass"!

"NOOOOOOO"! Chris screamed.

They tossed him back into the mud, and started beating the living shit out of him.

A few minutes later there was a bright green flash, and the minions turned around just as Ada finished her seel.

"Well, that sucks". A minion said. "What do we do now"?

"I don't know". Another replied. "I cleared my whole day for this".

They just stood there for a few minutes.

"Fuck it". The minion said. "This was boring, anyway". "Let's go do some blue mushrooms"!

The minions cheered as they ran out of darkwood, and Chris slowly got to his feet as Ada walked over to him.

"That was a great distraction". She said. "I guess that letting them kick your ass was the only way they wouldn't know you were covering for me, huh"?

"Well, uh". Chris began.

"Either way, we accomplished our quest". "Well, I gotta go". "See you around the guild".

She teleported away, and Chris instantly started running toward the bordello enterance.


	26. The Bordello At Last

Chris reached the door to the bordello, and jumped for joy as he read the sign.

It said: BORDELLO OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

"YEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAA"! He screamed as he kicked open the door.

He walked in and found himself in a beautiful area full of green grass, statues, and a large house at the top of the hill.

"This must be heaven". He said to himself as he started walking.

Suddenly a middle aged looking woman appeared in his path, and he cringed as he realised that she had a butter face.

This meant that everything looked good butter face.

"Oh, a hero"! She exclaimed. "Have you come to help us"?

"I um". He started. "What"?

"Oh, nevermind". "You probably just want some ass, huh"? "Well, fine, go and enjoy your fucking stay".

She then pushed him into the small lake, and stomped back up to the house.

"What the hell was that for"? He asked as he climbed back out.

Once he was out of the lake, he continued up the path, and came across a few men walking away from the house.

"I can't believe this". A man said as he held his side. "I woke up in a tub full of ice, with my kidney missing".

"What"?! Chris asked as the man walked away.

Chris was now forced to stop as he thought things through. On one hand he was now aware of the risk of losing a kidney. But on the other hand he was really horny, and was already here.

"I must take that risk". He said to himself as he continued toward the house. "It is my duty as a hero to have sex with a real girl atleast once in my life".

He opened the door, and walked in, only to be confronted by the same middle aged woman.

"I'm sorry for pushing you in the lake". She said. "But we have been under alot of stress lately because of the new owner, Mr. Grope".

Chris really didn't want to get involved in anything right now, but it was his duty as a hero to help people who were in need, no matter what the cost.

"What can I do to help"? He asked sadly.

"I'm so glad you asked". She replied. "All you need to do is get old grope to tell you where he hid the deeds to this place".

"How do I do that"?

"Well, the only way I know of is to find a pretty girl to get the information from him". "He get's chatty around girls, but he also likes to take advantage of them, if you know what I mean".

Chris thought for a second. Now where was he supposed to find a girl willing to get close enough to the ugly old man to find out where they were hidden?

Then it hit him...

"I got an idea". He said. "I'll be right back".

He ran into the bathroom, and three seconds later he came out in the dress and wig that he used to sneak into the bandit camp.

"How do I look"? Chris asked.

"Like a crossdressing freak". She replied. "But be careful that he doesn't see you until you're ready".

"Why"?

Suddenly Mr. Grope grabbed him, and slung him over his shoulder.

"My, you have lovely skin"! He exclaimed as he started toward the stairs.

"Hey"! Chris yelled. "Wait a minute"!

"And just look at that ginger top"!

"No, you don't understand"!

"Baby, I'm gonna plow you like a field"!

"NOOOOOO"!

Grope carried him up the stairs, and after about 20 minutes of screaming and yelling, Chris came walking slowly down to the first floor.

His dress was all wrinkled, and his wig hair was all messed up as he walked back over to the woman.

"What happened up there"? She asked.

"I don't want to talk about it". He replied. "But I found out where the deeds are".

"You did"?! "Now you can save us from grope"!

"Yeah, but I'm just glad that no one from the guild is here to see me like this".

Then as if on cue, the front door was kicked open, and a guard walked in.

"Ladies and gentilmen". He said. "Presenting the darkwood bordello's most loyal and well paying customer".

Everyone got quiet as they waited for him to finish.

"I give you". The guard continued. "The one and only, Guildmaster Liquid"!

Everyone cheered as Liquid walked in, and Chris quickly turned away from him as music began to play.

"Guildmaster Liquid is a god". The prostitutes sang. "A warrior and a gent". "We are not fit to suck his feet or dine on his excrement".

"Oh, my god". Chris whispered. "Please don't let him see me".

"At night we croon, by the light of the moon". They sang. "Of his courage and his creed". "Hey, ho, there he goes". "Oh, woe for his foes, long live the Liquid seed".

Chris slowly started sneaking off to a far corner of the room.

"Guildmaster Liquid". They sang. "Top of the hero class". "Guildmaster Liquid, we live to kiss his ass".

They all cheered again as the music stopped, and Liquid began walking around the room.

"Hello, ladies". He said. "It's so nice to see you all again". "Now who wants to be the first to...

He stopped as he saw someone hiding in the corner, with their back to him.

"Well". Liquid said as he walked over to Chris. "A new girl, huh"?

"Oh, jesus". Chris whispered. "No, don't come over here".

Liquid walked up to what he thought was a her, and put his hand on his shoulder.

"Damn, girl". He said. "You got an ass like a 12 year old, turn around here, and let me look at you".

He spun him around, and Liquid's smile faded away as he locked eyes with Chris.

"I, um". Chris started. "Uh, um".

"Do you know what the saddest part of this situation is, Chicken Chaser"? Liquid asked.

"What, guildmaster"?

"The fact that this really doesn't shock me at all". "In fact, I've had my suspicions about you since day 1". "But, still...

Liquid then kicked him in the nuts, making him collapse to the floor.

"I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS FAGGOTRY"! He screamed.

"The deeds". Chris gasped.

"Huh"?

"I did it to find the deeds to save them from grope". "He told me where he burried them".

"And just where did he burry them"?

"Under the tree by the lake".

Suddenly Liquid became a blur as he ran out the door, and a few seconds later he reappeared covered in dirt, and holding the deeds in his hands.

"HA HAAAAAA"! He screamed as he held them up for all to see. "I hold the deeds in my hands, so the bordello belongs to me, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

"WHAT"?! Grope yelled as he ran naked down the stairs. "You can't do this to me"!

Liquid responded to this by kicking him in the nuts, and laughing as he fell over.

"Guards". Liquid called. "Get this piece of shit out of my bordello".

The guards took grope away, and Chris walked back over to Liquid.

"What will you do now, guildmaster"? He asked. "Will you free these girls, and turn this place into a shelter for fallen women"?

Liquid just started laughing, and then he kicked Chris in the nuts again.

"I trained you better then that, Chicken Chaser". He replied as Chris got up. "This place is a gold mine, and I plan to exploit it to the fullest of my abilities".

Suddenly a woman in a dominatrix suit walked up to him, and smacked him in the face.

"Puny little man". She said. "You obey hedwig, and get worthless ass upstairs".

"Yes, maam"! Liquid exclaimed happily as he ran up the stairs.

A few minutes later everything was back to normal, and although things had not gone to plan, Chris still felt good because he had helped to get rid of old grope.

"My work here is done"! He yelled.

Then he ran into the bathroom, and came out in his normal clothes just in time to see Liquid get tossed down the stairs.

"Puny worm"! Hedwig yelled. "Crawl back up here and take punishment like man"!

"Yes, mistress". Liquid replied as he went back up. "I'm a worm, please beat me harder".

Chris then walked out the door, and ran down the path until he reached the exit.

He had rested enough for now, and it was time to continue his adventure.


	27. Appointment At The Grey House

After leaving the bordello, Chris made his way back through darkwood until he reached the beautiful barrow fields.

"Grey house". He said to himself as he looked around. "Now which path was the grey house"?

Soon he saw the grey house sign pointing down a path, but he gasped as he looked at it.

All of the trees were dead along the path, and there was a thick and scary cloud cover that almost completely blocked out the sun.

"God damn it". He said as thunder crashed. "Why can't I ever go someplace nice"?

His first instinct was to walk away, but his sister needed him, and it was his duty to do whatever it took to help his family.

Haunted house music began to play as he started down the path, but he was surprised at how quiet everything was.

"It's quiet". He said to himself. "Too quiet".

He walked past a stable, and started up the hill, when someone came out of the bushes, and walked up to him.

"Who are you"? Chris asked.

"Hello, boy". The Tall Man replied. "I've been waiting for you for a very long time".

"You have"?

"Yes, and now we have things to do".

"What kind of things"?

"Oh, nothing important". "Just a little harmless torture followed by more pain then you can ever imagine".

"What"?

Suddenly two silver balls floated up to the tall man, and aimed at Chris.

"What's going on"? He asked.

"I'm afraid that I must disable you". The Tall Man replied. "In the most creative and inhumane way possible".

A mouse trap then extended from the first ball, and a large dildo extended from the second. Then Chris screamed like a girl as they chased him up the hill.

He ran through a small graveyard, and weaved around the headstones, but the balls crashed right through them.

"Jesus christ help me lord"! Chris screamed as he continued to run away.

Suddenly some zombies shot out of the ground and tried to grab him, but just got in the way of the balls.

The first zombie got the dildo rammed up his ass as he was carried away by the ball, and the second zombie found the ball embedded into it's forehead while the mouse trap snapped him until he was destroyed.

As soon as the zombies were destroyed, the balls circled back around and went after Chris again.

"Oh, god damn it"! He yelled as he started running again.

He finally reached the house, and ran inside with the balls in hot persuit, but at the last second a magic barrier appeared in the doorway, and the balls crashed into it, destroying themselves.

"HA HA HA HA"! Chris screamed as he gave them the finger. "Fuck you"!

Then he turned around to find an escape route, and ran right into the tall man.

"Boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy". He bellowed.

"Oh, crap". Chris replied.

He tried to run, but the tall man grabbed him, and slammed him down onto a gurney. Then he strapped him down, and picked up a rather nasty looking saw.

"My god"! Chris yelled. "What the hell are you gonna do with that"?!

"I'm going to give you a root canal". He replied. "You see, they don't make tools like this anymore". "It's an antique".

"It's rusty"!

"It's more reliable...it's sturdy...and dull".

He moved the saw closer, and Chris started crying.

"But I don't want a root canal"! He cried.

"Then why did you make an appointment"? The tall man asked.

"I didn't make an appointment"!

The tall man looked like he was confused.

"You're not my 5 o'clock"? He asked.

"No"! Chris screamed. "I'm supposed to meet my sister here"!

Suddenly the magic barrier lowered, and the tall man ripped him out of the strapps.

"Sorry about that". He said as Chris got up. "I just get so excited about my job, but since you don't have an appointment, I am going to have to ask you to leave".

He suddenly picked Chris up by the throat, and tossed him out the door, making him land in a mud puddle right at Claire's feet.

"Whenever you're finished fucking around". She said as he got up. "We need to talk".

He wiped most of the mud off of himself, and followed her as she started down the hill.

"I see you've met Saddler of blades". She continued. "I met him years ago when he burned down our house, and destroyed our family YOU STUPID ASS"!

"He did"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, he killed dad, took mom away, and left me for dead in a GOD DAMN FOREST"!

She suddenly spun him around, and booted him in the ass, giving him a mouthful of dirt as he slid across the ground.

"But he wasn't lying about one thing". She continued as he spit out the dirt. "He does know where mother is because he locked her up in his own prison".

"Where is that"?

"Bargate prison". "I heard that there are two ways in". "You can either barge through the main gate like a fucktard, or you can take a secret path through the graveyard".

"Ok, where can I find the graveyard"?

"Go through north bowerstone, and then follow the path to the end". "Not even you could miss it".

"OK"! "I'M OFF TO SAVE MOM"!

This was great! Not only was he going to save his mother from a horrible death trap, but bowerstone north was on the way, so he could see Alexia again!

"Thanks, Claire". He said. "See you soon".

He then took off like a shot toward the nearest cullis gate, and vanished when he stepped into it.


	28. Beautiful Bowerstone North

Chris stepped out of the cullis gate, and found himself back in bowerstone.

Being that he was thirsty, he decided to make a stop in the local tavern, and was surprised to see Jill standing there.

"Hi, Jill". He said as he walked over to her. "How have you been"?

"How have I been"? She asked with a hint of anger. "This is how I've been".

She took a copy of today's newspaper out of her coat, and handed it to him.

He opened it, and looked at the headlines.

The first artical he saw said: DARKWOOD BORDELLO UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT, and had a large picture of Liquid giving the camera a double thumbs up as Hedwig dragged him up the stairs.

"Not that one, idiot". Jill said as she turned it to the front page.

The front page headline said: JILL "GREAT IN THE SACK" VALENTINE LOSES TO CHRIS "CHICKEN CHASER" REDFIELD.

"Wow". Chris said as he set it on the bar. "When did we start getting newspapers"?

Jill just shook her head.

"You really are stupid, huh"? She asked. "Don't you see what this means"?

"Um". He started.

"It means that I'm the laughing stock of the guild, that's what". "You wouldn't believe the embarresment of losing to someone as pathetic as you". "Everyone thinks that you kicked my ass"!

"That's no big deal". "I get my ass kicked all the time, and I'm just fine".

"Ok, then how about I explain it to you like this"?

She suddenly punched him in the stomach, grabbed him by the hair, dragged him outside, and shoved his head into a horse trough. Then she held him under for a few seconds before bringing him back up.

"The embaressment is so bad that I'm leaving the guild forever". "I'm going somewhere far away where I won't be bothered by worthless wannabe heros, or perverted letcherous guildmasters".

She pushed his head back underwater, and then walked away as Chris brought his head out of the water, and fell to the ground.

"Ok, then". He said as Jill walked through the gates. "See you later, Jill".

A few minutes later he was on his feet, and after shaking the water off of himself like a dog, he walked up the stairs toward where Alexia said to meet her.

"Hold it right there, sonny jim". The guard said as he stopped him. "Just who the fuck do you think you are"?

"Chris 'Chicken Chaser' Redfield". He replied. "The greatest (and last remaining) apprentice of Guildmaster Liquid". "King of the arena, hero of knothole glade, savior of orchard farm, killer of Barry the bandit king, and distraction for Ada Wong".

The guard pulled out a clipboard, and started looking at the names.

"Oh, here you are". He said. "An invitation from the mayor, huh"? "Ok, you can go in".

"But what about all of my other deeds"? Chris asked as the gates opened.

"No one cares about that worthless shit, so just get your ass inside before I change my mind".

"Fair enough".

Chris walked through the gates, and found himself in a place full of beautiful mansions, and not a homeless person in sight.

"Hey, you". The sherrif said as he walked up to him.

"I've already been debriefed"! He quickly said.

"Good, that saves us some time". "So, then we can just get right down to the rules".

He pushed a button on the wall, and an automated puppet show began as music started to play.

"Welcome to bowerstone north". They sang. "It's a perfect town". "We have a set of rules, let us lay them down". "Dont't make waves, stay in line, and we'll get along just fine". "Bowerstone north is the perfect town". "Watch your mouth, stay off the grass, shine your shoes, wipe your ass". "Bowerstone north is the perfect towwwwwwn"!

"Wow". Chris said as it shut down. "Can I see that again"?

"No". The sherrif replied. "Only once per person". "So, if there's nothing else, have a nice day, and watch out for the crazy bastard in the cell by the gate".

The sherrif walked away, and Chris walked around until he saw Alexia standing in a large courtyard.

"About time you showed up". She said. "I was starting to think that you didn't want to see me, and that would be bad".

"Why is that"? He asked.

"Because if you didn't want to see me, I would have to kill you".

"Oh, ok". "But I'm hear, and I want to see you more then anything".

"Good, so I'll make this quick". "You and Leon both want me, so there in lays the problem".

This did seem like a problem, and Chris wondered what guildmaster Liquid would do.

(FLASHBACK).

"Remember, Chicken Chaser". Liquid said. "Why fight over a chick, when you can just tag-team her"? "That way you get to keep your friend and get some ass at the same time, do I make myself clear"?

"Yes, guildmaster". Chris replied.

"Good, NOW GET OUT OF MY SIGHT"!

Liquid then kicked him in the nuts.

(FLASHFORWARD).

"We can have a threesome"! He shouted.

"That won't work". She replied. "You see, I don't like to share".

"So, what do you suggest"?

"You and Leon will fight to the death, and I will marry the winner".

Thunder crashed and dramatic music began to play.

"A fight to the death"? Chris asked.

"Yes, to the death". She replied. "You will find him on headman's hill, ready go". "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE"?!

Chris immeadiatly turned around, and ran streight toward the gate.


	29. Duel At Headman's Hill

Chris left bowerstone north, and began walking up the hill that would lead him to his fight to the death with Leon.

"How am I supposed to beat Leon"? He asked himself as he passed a large windmill. "Sure, everyone says that he's an idiot, but he's had way more training then me".

He didn't really want to fight him, but it was his duty as a hero to win the heart of a beautiful woman, and it was his duty as a man to get as much ass as possible no matter what the cost.

He walked past the windmill, and was about to enter the forest, when someone jumped off of the windmill roof, rolled to his feet, and ran up to him.

"Chicken Chaser"! Liquid called as he ran toward him. "Chicken Chaser, wait up"!

Chris instantly put his hands over his nuts and prepared for the worst, but to his surprise Liquid didn't kick him.

"You can relax, Chicken Chaser". Liquid said as he reached him. "This is one of thoes rare occasions in your life that I'm not here to maim and torture you".

"You're not"? Chris asked as he relaxed. "Then why are you here, guildmaster"?

"Believe it or not, I'm here to help you". "We can talk on the way up to headman's hill".

Now Chris was really scared. Not only did Liquid not hurt him, but he offered to help! Something was definitly wrong here, and Chris needed to discover what it was.

"I heard about you and Alexia". Liquid explained as they walked. "I was sure that she had died when I set fire to the grey house, but I guess I'm getting rusty in my not so old age".

"You aren't mad at me, guildmaster"? Chris asked.

"Nayh, in fact I'm proud of you". "Not only are you going to kill that idiot Leon, but you are going to put my shitty ex-girlfriend through the horror of dealing with you on a day to day basis".

"But, how am I supposed to beat Leon"?

"That's what I'm here for". "Just remember everything I tought you, and you'll be fine".

"Ok, guildmaster". "I'm glad that you believe in me".

Liquid started laughing.

"I don't believe in you, silly ass". He said as they kept walking. "But I hate you alot less then I hate Leon, and that's why I want you to drink this when no one's looking".

Liquid took out a glowing blue flask, and tossed it to Chris.

"What you have there is super hero potion number 7". He continued. "The first 6 proved fatal to all of my test subjects, but the guy I tested this stuff on actually showed some brain activity this morning, so it should be safe enough for you".

"Ok". Chris replied as he put it in his jacket. "What exactly does it do, guildmaster".

"It makes even someone as worthless as you into a real hero for 130 seconds". "There is enough for two uses, so spend it wisley".

"Thanks, guildmaster". "What's in it"?

"Gunpowder, blue mushroom juice, mike's insanity sause, coca-cola, rocket fuel, and mango kool-aid".

A few minutes later they arrived at headman's hill, where Leon and a large crowd were waiting.

"You finally arrived". Leon said as they moved into the most open area. "NOW DIE, AHHHHHHHH"!

Leon charged at him, rammed into him as hard as he could, and pinned him against the tree. Chris then bit his hand, freeing himself, and then he ducked as Leon punched at him.

"Strike with an open hand"! Liquid yelled. "Remember your training"!

Chris listened, and smacked Leon in the face, making him stumble backwards.

"Who's your daddy"? Chris asked as he kept smacking him. "Who's your daddy"? "Who's your daddy"?

Leon then ducked and cme back with his own slapps.

"I studied under guildmaster Liquid, too". Leon said as he slapped Chris. "So, I'm your daddy". "I'm your daddy". "I'm your daddy".

Chris suddenly poked Leon in the eyes, but then Leon pulled Chris's hair. Soon they were both crying and slapping at eachother, moving closer and closer to the edge.

Then out of nowhere a bolt of lightning struck the ground next to them, making them scream like bitches as they fell over the edge.

"Oops". Liquid said with a smile as the lightning stopped crackling around his hand. "My bad".

The crowd gathered around the edge, and looked down.

"Do you think they survived"? A man asked.

"Those two pussys"? Another asked. "They couldn't survive a wet paper bag".

"You're right, let's just go home".

The crowd left, and Liquid started whistling as he walked back down the hill.

Meanwhile Chris fell into the water, and Leon landed in the bushes.

Chris was just getting up, when Leon whacked him with a stick, sending him back underwater as Leon ran into the cave.

"That does it"! Chris screamed as he got out of the water.

He followed Leon into the cave, and took the flask out of his pocket. Then he drank half of it like Liquid said, and the popeye theme began to play as Chris felt power flowing through him.

"What the hell"? Leon asked.

Suddenly Chris flew at him, and punched, sending him flying into the wall. Then he made him stand up, and began punching him in the face and stomach until he was about to pass out.

"Nighty, night, Leon"! Chris yelled as he prepared his finishing move.

He then pulled his leg back, and slammed his foot into Leon's nuts, dropping him like a sack of rocks.

It was over, and Chris had actually won.

He started to walk away, but then the 130 seconds were up, and he fell to his hands and knees as he threw up. But as he did, his power left him, and he was back to his old self again.

"Oh, god damn it". He said as he got up.

He walked out of the cave and back onto the path, only to find Liquid waiting for him.

"Well feed me lemons and call me sucker". Liquid said as Chris walked up to him. "You actually did something right".

"Thanks for the help, guildmaster". Chris replied.

"No, need". "Just go and enjoy Alexia". "Just remember three things: Don't turn your back on her for a second, don't eat anything she makes for you, and I want you to find out for me how she survived the grey house".

"I will, guildmaster".

"Good, now there's just one more thing".

He suddenly kicked Chris in the nuts, dropping him to his hands and knees.

"What was that for, guildmaster"? He gasped.

"Because I haven't done it in awhile". "See you later, Chicken Chaser".

Liquid then teleported away, and Chris got to his feet.

"MY LADY AWAITS"! He screamed as he ran back toward bowerstone north.


	30. Murder Most Foul

Chris walked back down the hill with an ear to ear grin on his face.

This was truly the greatest day of his life. He had defeated his enemy, sort of made peace with his teacher, and was about to marry the sweetest piece of ass in the land.

Not only that, but he still had one dose of Liquid's super-hero juice, which he could use anytime he wanted.

Things were going so well for him that he forgot to watch where he was going.

This caused him to trip over an exposed tree root, and roll the rest of the way down the hill, stopping once he reached the bowerstone jail.

"That could have gone better". He said as he spit out the dirt.

He got to his feet, and suddenly screamed like a woman as an arm reached out of the cell, and put him in a sleeper hold.

"MUHAHAHAHAHA"! A deep voice yelled. "Now I got you"!

Chris screamed again, but he was suddenly released as a smaller man in the cell started hitting the big man with a belt.

"Down, Gweebo"! He yelled as he kept hitting him. "Down"!

The large man retreated to the corner, and the little guy walked up to Chris.

"Sorry about that". He said. "Gweebo just has a thing for girly men like you".

"No problem". Chris replied. "...Hey"!

"Say, aren't you the hero from the arena"?

"Yeah, that's me".

"Good, because I need you help". "You see, Alexia's brother has been...murdered".

Thunder crashed, and dramatic music played.

"What do you mean, murdered"? Chris asked.

"Well". He explained. "Murder is when someone intentionaly takes another person's life just because they felt like being an asshole that day".

"No, I mean give me more details".

"Oh, well he vanished somewhere near the grey house".

Chris shuddered. He really didn't want to go back there after his encounter with the tall man.

"I would have investigated it when it happened". He continued. "But it was around the same time that Alexia's old boyfriend decided to set the house on fire". "Can you please help me, hero"?

Chris didn't want to get involved with something llike this, especially since he was so close to having sex...with a girl.

But on the other hand it was his duty as a hero to bring justice and peace to wherever he should travel, so his own pleasure would have to wait.

"Ok". Chris said sadly. "I'll look into it".

"Thank you, hero". The man replied.

Chris then took off like a shot, running out the gate, back into bowerstone south.

"DAMNIT"! He screamed as he ran toward the cullis gate.

He stepped into it, and reappeared at Barrow fields. The path to the grey house was right in front of him, and it looked even more scary then before.

But he could not let his own fear get in the way of his duty as a hero, so he swallowed hard, and started up the path.

The tall man was nowhere to be found, so he ran quickly up the path, but stopped as he heard the basement door unlock.

"Creepy". He said as he looked at it.

It was obvious even to him that his answer was down there, but it wasn't really a place he wanted to be.

"Must be brave". He said to himself as he walked toward it. "Must be brave". "Must be brave".

After a few minutes of really slow walking, he took his first step down into the basement, and the rotted step broke, making him roll down, and land next to some barrels...

And a human skeleton.

He screamed like a bitch as he quickly crawled away from it, but then got a hold of himself.

"It's just a skeleton". He told himself. "It can't hurt you".

He looked at it, and saw that it was built the same as Alexia, and even had long hair like her. Then the answer hit him:

Alfred was a crossdresser, so he was in a dress and wig when Liquid burned down the house. That was how Alexia escaped, and Liquid thought she died.

"I must be the smartest detective in the world"! He exclaimed. "Guildmaster Liquid will be so proud of me"!

He then grabbed the wig on the body, and pulled...

But it didn't come off, and he gasped as he realised that it was real hair.

"What the"? He asked. "Alexia"?

"SO"! A voice screamed behind him. "You figured ot out, did you"?!

He turned around, and saw Alexia at the top of the stairs.

"What's going on"? Chris asked. "How can your dead brother have real hair just like your's"?

She then grabbed her hair, and Chris screamed as she pulled it off, revealing that she was not Alexia at all...

But Alfred!

"My sister was killed by that asshole guildmaster". Alfred explained. "So I was forced to take her place as mayor of bowerstone".

"Why couldn't you just tell on guildmaster Liquid"? Chris asked. "Then you would have become mayor anyway".

Alfred just stood there, and Chris knew that the idea had never entered Alfred's mind.

"So"! Alfred suddenly screamed. "You think you won, do you"?! "Well no one will ever know if I kill your gumby looking ass"!

He suddenly ran at Chris, but the rotting step broke out from under him, causing him to fall and impale his head in a wooden spike.

"Wow". Chris said as he looked at Alfred. "How am I going to get out of this basement.

After awhile he managed to climb out using Alfred's corpse, and after going through the barrow fields cullis gate, he made his way to the sherrif of bowerstone north.

"Wow, what a story". The sherrif said as Chris finished explaining what happened. "So, it was Alfred all the time, huh"? "So does that mean that when I used to whack off to Alexia it was really..."?

Chris nodded.

"So"? The sherrif continued. "That one time that Alexia gave me head it was really..."?

Chris nodded.

"Well, that sucks for two reasons". He continued. "First, I've been trying to molest a man for the past three years". "Second, that crazy guy in the cell was right all along".

"Why does that suck"? Chris asked.

"Because we hung him five minutes before you got back here". "Hmmm, by the way, I guess we need a new mayor". "Now, who could I find for that job"?

"How about me"?

The sherrif just looked at him for a second, and then burst out laughing as he walked away.

Once again Chris was alone, so he decided to walk out the gates, and continue toward the graveyard.


	31. Thriller At Lytchfield Graveyard

Chris left bowerstone north behind him as he once again started up the hill.

"Mother fuckers". He said under his breath. "Wouldn't let me be mayor". "Yeah, because their last one was just so perfect, huh"?

He walked into gibbet woods, and took the path to the right. It was the one that would take him into lytchfield graveyard.

As he walked the sky began to get dark, and there seemed to be nothing but dead trees on the rest of the path.

"Looks like the grey house front yard". He said as he continued.

After a few more minutes of walking, he saw something that made his stomach grumble:

It was as apple tree, full of life, and just covered with apples.

"Hell, yeah"! He screamed as he ran over to it.

Once in front of the tree, he pulled some apples from the branches, and then the tree smacked his hand, making him drop them.

"What do you think your doing, son"? It asked.

"Well, I was walking a long way and I was hungry". Chris started. "...Did you just say something"?

"Oh, you were hungry, huh"? "Well, mother fucker, how would you like it if some asshole came along, and picked something off of you".

"Not very much, I guess".

"You think"? "But if you want apples, I'll give you apples, bitch".

The tree suddenly picked one of it's apples, and whipped it at Chris, whacking him in the head, and knocking him on his ass.

More and more apples came as Chris tried to get away, striking him in the legs, the back, and a few in the head as he crawled away.

As he crawled, he looked back to see if apples were still coming, but didn't see the drop in front if him.

This caused him to scream as he rolled down the steep cemetary hill, comming to a sudden stop right in front if the gravedigger's house.

"I just broke open the crypt". The gravedigger said as Chris slowly got up. "And there it was, an entire set of 1980's gear".

"It must be worth a fortune"! His friend screemed. "What did you do with it"?

"I dropped it as I ran back here". "But I locked the graveyard so that no one could get my stuff".

This was great. The graveyard was locked so no one would bother Chris as he searched for the secret enterance. Not only that, but he could return the stolen clothes to whatever body it was robbed from.

He quickly ran to the fence, and leaped over, but his foot got caught, hanging him upside down.

"This is gonna be perfect". The gravedigger whispered as Chris tried to free himself. "I just hope that no one is dumb enough to return that stuff to it's owner".

"Why is that"? His friend asked as Chris took a nose dive into a mud puddle.

"Well...have you ever seen dawn of the dead"?

Meanwhile, Chris pulled himself out of the puddle, got to his feet, and saw a few clothes leaving a trail up to a large crypt.

"Something tells me that I'm on the right track". He said as he began picking them up.

He gathered all of the clothes, and walked down into the crypt.

"Um". He said as he reached the coffin. "Hello"?

"My boots". A voice whispered, making Chris scream. "My jacket, my pants, and my glove". "Gather for me, and my song you shall love".

He set the clothes in the coffin, and they instantly popped into place, and the crypt started shaking.

"My boots". The voice whispered. "My jacket, my pants, and my glove". "You gathered for me, so my song you shall love".

The crypt started shaking violently, and Chris ran back outside just as the undead began bursting out of the ground.

"Oh". He said as hundreds of them rose to the surface.

He decided to run, and turned around just in time to see the corpse he had just given the clothes to.

It was Micheal Jackson.

Chris screamed like a girl as they closed in, but suddenly music began playing as Micheal grabbed him.

"It's close to midnight". He sang as they led Chris down a path. "And something evil's lurking in the dark". "Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stopps your heart".

Chris pulled away from him, and started runnning, but the zombies grabbed him.

"You try to scream". Micheal continued. "But terror takes the sound before you make it". "You start to freeze". "As horror looks you right between the eyes". "You're paralyzed".

The zombies then began dancing for a few minutes, pushing Chris back and forth between them.

"Cause this is Thriller"! Micheal yelled. "Thriller night"! "And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike"!

Chris managed to get out of the crowd, and started sneaking toward the exit.

"You know it's thriller"! He sang. "Thriller night"! "You're fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller toniiiiiiiiiight"!

They continued to dance as some of the zombies chased Chris, and he leaped over the fence just before they had him.

But his foot got caught again, making him fall on his face, and causing the zombies to laugh as they walked away.

The zombies were gone and the music stopped as Chris spit out his mouthful of dirt.

"Oh, my god"! He said as he caught his breath. "What the fuck was that"?

Suddenly the gravedigger's door was kicked open, and as he ran outside, Chris gasped as he saw who his friend was.

"Chicken Chaser". Liquid said as he walked up to him. "What the fuck did you just do"?

"It's a regular zombie nightmare in there". The gravedigger said as he looked into the graveyard.

"I did my duty as a hero". Chris replied. "I returned the clothes to their rightful owner".

They just looked at him for a second, and then Liquid kicked him in the nuts, dropping him.

"Wrong"! Liquid screamed. "You just ruined my biggest money making scheme ever"! "Do you have any idea how much you can sell vintage 1980's gear for to a collector"?!

"Um". Chris replied.

"Get away from me". "Get away from me before you get hurt". "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME"!

Chris scrambled to his feet, and ran back up the path as fast as he could.


	32. The Road To Bargate Prison

Now back in gibbet woods, Chris felt kind of bummed out about dissapointing the guildmaster like that.

"I did the right thing". He said to himself as he walked. "But why did guildmaster Liquid steal clothes from the dead"?

He thought about it for awhile as he walked past headman's hill, and then it came to him.

"Of course"! He yelled. "He did it so that he could sell the clothes in order to make money for the guild"! "He must truly be a good guy if he resorts to that much personal indignitys just so that the guild can keep going"!

Now that he was sure as to what was going on, he picked up the pace as he saw the path that would take him to the docks. There he could get into the front gates of bargate prison.

Especially since the whole graveyard thing was a bust.

He entered the prison path, and instantly knew that something was wrong when he saw a few dozen minions dragging someone toward an incoming ship.

"I instantly know that something is wrong"! Chris shouted.

Then he drew his sword, and did a kamakazzi scream as he ran down the path toward the docks.

"Do you hear something"? A minion asked.

"Hey". Another one replied. "Get a load of this clown coming down the path to attack us".

Chris kept screaming as he ran down the path, but when he reached the dock he was so out of breath from screaming and running that he fell weezing and coughing to his hands and knees.

"What the fuck"? A minion asked.

"Wait a second". Another one said. "Isn't this the numnuts that we stomped back at the darkwood lake"?

Chris soon caught his breath, and looked up to see the minions and their prisoner.

"HELP"! Brad screamed. "I DON'T WANNA GO BACK TO JAIL"!

Being the great hero that he was, Chris couldn't ignore the cries for help of the innocent. So he jumped to his feet, charged at the nearest minion with his sword raised, and was promptly knocked on his ass.

"Let's take this guy, too". A minion said as he picked Chris up by the back of the shirt.

"That won't work". Another one replied. "We can only take one".

They pondered this for a few minutes, and then the let go of Brad.

"You're free to go". The minion said. "But god help you if we ever catch you j-walking again".

"Sure, no problem". Brad replied as he started running away.

"Brad"! Chris screamed. "Tell the guild to send help"!

"No, fuck you"! "I'd still be safe in my cave if not for your cajun gumbo looking ass"!

Brad then ran back up the path, and the minions dragged Chris away.

About three hours later they arived at bargate prison, and Chris was tossed into the torture chamber.

"God damn it"! A woman yelled as the guards locked the door. "Not another fucking cellmate"!

"Uh, hi". Chris replied.

"Don't you hi me, mother fucker". "I run things in this cell and you better realise that before I shove a cucumber up your ass".

She walked into the light, and they both gasped.

It was none other then Scarlet Rebecca.

"So, you ended up in prison, huh"? She asked. "I knew that you would be just as worthless and stupid as your father". "I knew that I should have just given him head that night".

"Huh"? Chris asked.

"Nevermind, right now we need to get this door open, and get the fuck out of here".

"How do we do that"?

"Well, the controls are all the way over there...so...how much do you weigh"?

"About 180, why"?

Rebecca suddenly ran and dropkicked him in the chest, making him crash into the door, knocking it down.

"Good job". She said as he slowly got up. "There's a secret enterance through that door, but we have to hurry".

They ran through the door, but suddenly Saddler of blades blocked their path.

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"! Saddler screamed. "Now I've got you"!

"Let's split up". Rebecca said as she grabbed Chris. "You go this way".

She then tossed him into Saddler, and ran the other way.

"Crap"! Saddler said. "She's getting away"!

"Let her go"! Chris yelled. "Take me instead"!

Saddler gave him a wierd look.

"Put your hands on your hips". He said.

Chris did.

"Now stick your chin out". Saddler continued.

Chris did, and Saddler looked at him for a second as if in deep thought.

"Nayh". Saddler said. "I'd rather have the woman".

He looked to go after her, but it was too late because she was already gone.

"GOD DAMN IT TO HELL"! Saddler screamed as he grabbed Chris. "Guards, put him in the cell with that other idiot and Damion".

"DAMION"! Chris exclaimed.

The guards dragged him back into the prison, and tossed him into a cell.

"Now, you three have fun". The guard said with a laugh as he walked away.

Chris turned around, and saw that he had two cellmates.

"What the hell are you doing here"? Chris asked.

"I got caught j-walking". Leon replied. "You"?

"Tried to break my mom out of jail". "She got away, but I didn't".

"Well, that sucks".

Suddenly the other cellmate came out of the shadows and grabbed them both by the shirt collars.

"Alright then". Damion said. "Which one of you bitches wants to wash my drawers"?

"I did it last week". Leon quickly said.

Damion tossed his dirty laundry on Chris.

"Pressed or starched"? Chris asked.

"Starched, bitch"! Damion yelled. "And I need them done before the race starts".

"What race"?

"Once a year they make us race around the courtyard". "The winner gets a trip to the warden's office, and what happens there is to fucked up for words". "But I heard that the key to the cells is in there".

"When is this race"?

"Today"!

Thunder crashed and dramatic music played.

"HA HA HA"! Chris yelled as his hero music began to play. "Fear not, for I will win this race, and get the key to our freedom"!

Damion then hit him in the head with a rolled up sock, stopping the music.

"How about you just wash my damn drawers"? He yelled.

Chris then took the laundry, and went toward the wash basin.


	33. Race For Freedom

The light of day filled the cellblock as the guards kicked the door open, and barged in banging garbage cans with their clubs.

"Revelie"! He screamed as he kept banging it. "Revelie, revelie, revelie"! "Drop your cocks and grab your socks"!

The prisoners started to stir, and Chris sat up too fast, hitting his head on Leon's bunk.

"Let's go, scum"! The guard continued. "It's race day, and you know what that means"!

"What does that mean"? Chris whispered.

"It means"! The guard yelled as he clubbed Chris in the head. "That some of us have bet alot of money on you, and if you win, we like you"! "But if you lose, you get to live in the cell with Bubba Ganush"!

"BUBA GANUSH"!? The prisoners screamed.

Three prosoners did the see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. Leon made the sign of the crusifix, and Damion hid under his bunk.

"Who is Bubba Ganush"? Chris asked.

"You'll find out if you lose"! The guard yelled. "Now everyone get the fuck outside"!

The cell doors were opened, and the guards took them out into the courtyard, where they were all lined up at the starting line.

"Alright, you stupid little cock clowns". A guard said in a high pitch voice. "I want a dirty race, full of everything from pushing and shoving to sodomy at both ends, do I make myself clear"?

"I've got a fool proof plan of escaping". Leon whispered. "Been working on it for 15 years".

"But you've only been in here for two days". Chris replied.

"The days all blur togather when you've done as much time as I have".

"Three". The guard said. "Two, one, go"!

They all took off running, but Chris instantly fell on his face. Then he looked at his feet, and saw that his shoelaces were tied togather.

"Damn it"! He yelled as he pulled on them. "Not again"!

Meanwhile, Leon reached the top of the stairs, but instead of turning, he ran streight for the guard rail.

He screamed as he took a flying leap, bounced off the wall six times, and crashed into the rocks.

"OW"! He screamed as he floated away. "THE PAIN"!

Chris had fixed his shoes, and gotten to the bottem of the stairs just in time to see Leon's jump.

"What a good idea"! Chris yelled as he ran for the edge.

He reached the same spot, and started to leap, but a dozen guards suddenly grabbed him, and tossed him to the ground.

"Nice try, scum". The guard said.

"The other one got away". Another guard replied.

"Well, then I guess we know who getts to live with Bubba Gnush, don't we"? "But first let's kick this guy's ass"!

The guards stomped Chris's ass for awhile, and then dragged him back to the torture chamber.

"Welcome to your temporary home". The guard said as they shut the door. "This is the torture chamber, and that guy right behind you is your new cellmate".

Chris turned around just in time for a giant pair of hands to grab him, and drag him screaming into the darkness.

"He he he". Bubba said. "Let's you and me wrestle".

Chris continued to scream as the guards laughed and wlaked away.

The darkness of the cell consumed his mind, and despair soon set in. The old blood in his veins and the power of the guild meant nothing in this place.

And since guildmaster Liquid refused to pay his bail, another year would pass before there would be another chance of escape.

Another year of torture, sexual torture, and utter humiliation. But his sence of duty as a hero and his complete lack of knowledge made his will stay strong.

One year later...

"I don't want to be in prison anymore"! Chris sobbed. "It's cold, it's dark, and it scary"! "WAHHHHHHHHH"! "I want my mommy"!

"SHUT UP"! Bubba screamed. "SHUT UP"! "SHUT THE FUCK UP"! "I can't stand your god damn whining anymore"!

Bubba then walked over to the door, and ripped it off the hinges.

"Get out of my cell"! He screamed. "Take the secret passage, and get the fuck out of here"!

He grabbed Chris, tossed him out of the cell, and put the door back on.

"Thanks". Chris said. "Aren't you going to escape, too"?

"As long as you're out there". Bubba replied. "I'm just fine in here". "NOW GET THE FUCK OUT"!

Chris waved goodbye, and ran through the door that Rebecca had shown him. He was now in a long hallway.

He ran as fast as he could until he reached a door, then he opened it, and found himself in a large circular room with a large pool of water in the center.

"This is easier then I thought". He said as he started walking.

Suddenly magical barriers came up at the exits, and Chris screamed as a gigantic tentacled beast rose up from the pool.

"Look at what I found". It said. "It looks like a tasty treat".

"Oh, my god". Chris said.

"Yum yum, gimme some"!

Chris screamed as it came at him, but tripped over a rock, falling on his face just in time to avoid a blast of fire that came from the creature's mouth.

"Holy crap at christmas"! Chris screamed as the fire stopped.

Then he did what any good hero would do, and ran for his life while screaming like a little girl. But suddenly the creature snapped at him, grabbing him by the backpack, and lifting him into the air.

He managed to wiggle free, and fall to the ground as the creature took the bag into it's mouth. Then it blasted fire, but the oily shirt in the bag caused the creature to become completly engulfed in flames.

It screamed and fell over dead as the magic barriers went down. Then Chris exited the chamber, finding himself back in the graveyard.

"FREEDOM"! He screamed as he fell to his knees. "They may take our bagpipes, but they'll never take our makeup"!

The group of people by the cemetary just looked at him, so he wasted no time in running to the cullis gate, and vanishing.


	34. Activating The Cullis Gate

Chris stepped out of the cullis gate, and found himself back in the guild. Then he gasped as he saw Rebecca making out with Liquid while sitting on his lap.

"What the hell"? He asked.

She quickly jumped away from Liquid, and smacked him in the mouth.

"This isn't what it looks like". She quickly said.

"Don't listen to her, Chicken Chaser". Liquid replied. "This is EXACTLY what it looks like".

"What's going on here, guildmaster"? Chris asked.

"I was making out with your mom, what the fuck does it look like"? "Oh, and this is for cock blocking me".

Liquid suddenly kicked him in the nuts and walked out of the room.

"Some people's kids". He said as he walked away. "I swear to god".

He slammed the door behind him, knocking a picture off the wall, and leaving Chris alone with Rebecca.

"Well". Rebecca said as she walked up to him. "I see you managed to get away after all".

"You abandoned me". Chris replied.

"No, I didn't". "I, uh, um, I thought it was, uh, um, part of your plan". "Yeah, that's it"! "I thought it was part of your plan to switch places with me because you were capible of escaping".

Chris just stood there for a second.

"Yes"! He yelled. "That was my plan all the time"! "Sure it was so complecated that I don't even understand it, but it was something that only a true hero like me could ahve pulled off"! "HA HA HA"!

"Well, that's good, Chris". She replied. "Because I have a new job for such a true hero like you".

"You do"? "What is it"?

"Well, a job is some kind of work that you do and get rewarded for, but that's not important right now".

"I mean, what should I do"?

"You should meet a nice girl, settle down, and stop being such a dumbass all the time".

"No, I mean what is the job that you want me to do"?

"Oh, it's simple". "All you have to do is activate the ancient cullis gate in darkwood forest".

"Why"?

Rebecca was getting angry.

"Because". She explained. "The cullis gate in witchwood is the only way to reach hook coast, you know, where the key is hidden in the abby".

"What key"? He asked.

"The one you need to get the sword".

"What sword"?

Rebecca smacked him and started pushing him toward the cullis gate.

"Just activate the cullis gate". She said. "Get to hook coast, and get the key before Saddler does".

She pushed him in, and he started to dissapear.

"Oh, one more thing". She added. "The cullis gate will only open when it's hunger for undead souls is satisfied".

"WHAT"?! He screamed as he vanished.

Suddenly he found himself next to the old cullis gate in darkwood, and then he discovered that he was surrounded by zombies.

"Oh, crap". He whispered.

The zombies all raised their swords, and started licking their lips.

"Fresh meat". One said.

The others all nodded in agreement.

"I, uh". He started. "I don't suppose that we can talk about this".

Suddenly the zombies screamed as they rushed him from all directions, and Chris screamed louder as he tried to get away.

He tripped and fell to the ground, and then he crawled and rolled around as the zombie's swords struck the ground just inches from him.

Somehow he managed to get away from the crowd, and he got into the fetal position next to a tree with his eyes closed, screaming like a girl.

"DON'T KILL ME"! He squealed. "DON'T KILL ME"! "PLEASE DON'T KILL ME"! "I DON'T WANNA DIE"!

A few minutes later he realised that he hadn't ben killed yet, so he opened his eyes, and saw that the zombies had all killed eachother as they tried to get him.

Not only that, but the cullis gate was now active, so he had accomplished his mission!

"HA HA HA"! He screamed as he jumped to his feet. "NO HOARD OF UNDEAD FREAKS CAN EVER DEFEAT THE GREAT CHRIS "CHICKEN CHASER" REDFIELD"! "MUAHAHAHAHA"!

He ran into the gate, vanished, and reappeared in the winterized village of hook coast.

"Great kiniggits"! He screamed as he hugged himself. "It's colder then Simon on american idol"!

Luckily for him the large abby was just up a set of stairs, so he started up them, slipped on some ice, and fell all the way back down.

"Slowly". He said to himself. "Gotta go slowly".

He got to his feet, and slowly walked up the stairs, but slipped on another patch of ice, and fell back down.

But on his third try he made it, and ran as fast as he could to the door of the abby, only to be knocked on his ass by a magic barrier.

"What the"? He asked as he stood up. "No one said anything about a magic barrier".

He thought for a second.

"THE GUILDMASTER WOULD KNOW WHAT TO DO"! He screamed.

So he ran back toward the cullis gate, forgetting all about the icy stairs. This caused him to fall and roll down the stairs, stopping right at the cullis gate.

"Oh, god". He said as he tried to get up. "I hope no one saw that".

Then as if on cue, he heard alot of laughing, and looked to see all of the townspeople laughing at him.

So he hid his face, and crawled back into the cullis gate, reappearing in the guild just in time to see Rebecca being teleported away by minions.

"Don't just stand there, retard"! She yelled as she vanished. "Get your worthless ass over here and sa

She was gone, and then the door opened, revealing Liquid holding a large paper bag.

"Where did Rebecca go"? Liquid asked.


	35. The Betrayal

Chris explained what had just happened to Rebecca, and Liquid listened intently.

"Well". He replied. "I guess I won't need these anymore".

He tossed the bag away, and Chris heard shattering glass as it hit the floor. A broken whiskey bottle then rolled out, followed by a jar of peanut butter, a pair of fuzzy handcuffs, and a large dildo.

"Oh, well". Liquid continued. "You win some, you lose some". "Let's go get a beer".

"But, guildmaster"! Chris yelled. "My mom just got kidnapped, and there is some kind of magic barrier stopping me from getting the key from the hook coast abby"!

Liquid responded to this by kicking him in the nuts.

"First off, Chicken Chaser". He explained as Chris fell to his hands and knees. "Don't yell at me". "Don't argue with me, and don't be such a douch bag all the time".

"Yes, guildmaster". Chris gasped as he got to his feet.

"Secondly, didn't I teach you how to break magic barriers"?

"No, guildmaster".

"WHAT"?!

"We skipped that lesson because you were too hungover that day to teach us".

Liquid pulled his foot back, and Chris screamed as he put his hands over his nuts, but no kick came.

"I remember that day". He said. "Hmmm, well it's never too late to learn". "Come on, Chicken Chaser, let's go to hook coast".

They stepped through the cullis gate, and once again Chris hugged himself from the cold, but Liquid seemed fine.

"How are you not cold, guildmaster"? Chris asked.

"Scotch keeps you warm". He replied. "Now, let's get this barrier down". "I wanna get back in time to watch Knight Rider".

Liquid walked up the stairs, and Chris once again had a hard time getting up there.

"Let's go, Chicken Chaser". Liquid said as Chris continued to slip and slide. "Anytime, sweetheart".

Eventually he made it to the top, and then he joined Liquid in front of the barrier.

"Now, check this out". He said. "This is the proper way to break down a magic barrier". "Are you watching"?

"Yes, guildmaster". Chris replied.

Liquid walked up to the barrier, and placed his hands on it.

"Open seseme"! He shouted.

Nothing happened.

"Alright". He said as he walked back toward Chris. "If that doesen't work, there's always the second way".

"What is the second way, guildmaster"? Chris asked.

Liquid suddenly grabbed him, swung him around, and tossed him into the barrier, shattering it as he fell into the alley.

"Lesson learned". Liquid said as he walked in. "Any quest...what the fuck is this"?

Chris looked up and saw that Wesker had Claire tied down to a table, and there was a shimering light above her.

"Liquid"?! Wesker exclaimed. "Chris"?! "This, um, uh, isn't what it looks like"!

"Oh, I think that this is exactly what it looks like". Liquid replied as he walked toward him.

"It is"?

"Yeah, you got Claire involved in some new kind of kinky bondage stuff...and you didn't invite me or Chicken Chaser". "How fucked up is that"?

"But, that's my sister". Chris argued.

"So what"? "I've heard you talking in your sleep".

"We really don't have time for this". Saddler said as he came out of nowhere.

"Oh, shit"! Liquid yelled as he drew his sword. "This is all I fucking need"!

But suddenly Wesker picked up a toumbstone, and broke it over Liquid's head, knocking him out.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris yelled as a key appeared over Claire.

"Give me my key, bitch". Saddler ordered. "And then take these two to the chamber so that I may have fun with them".

Wesker handed him the key, and then Saddler and Claire vanished.

"Well, Chris". Wesker said. "It looks like I'm gonna have to kill you".

He swung his staff at Chris, but he ducked, and screamed like a bitch as he ran away. But then he slipped down the stairs, and rolled to a stop in front of the lighthouse.

Wesker was on him in seconds, so he jumped to his feet, and ran into the lighthouse.

"Commin to get ya"! Wesker sang as he chased Chris up the stairs. "Commin to get ya"!

A few minutes later they ran out onto the rooftop, and Wesker hit Chris in the legs with his staff, knocking him down.

"Goodbye, Chris"! Wesker yelled as he raised his staff. "I'll see you in hell"!

Chris screamed, but suddenly an arrow shot into Wesker's back, making him scream as he lost his balance, and fell over the side.

He crashed onto the ground with a loud thud, and Chris looked over the side in time to see Liquid putting skorm's bow over his shoulder as he walked toward Wesker.

"You sawed off sadistic bastard"! Liquid said as he drew his sword. "You betrayed us, and you blindsided me"!

He raised up the harbinger for the death blow, and Wesker put up his hand.

"Wait"! He gasped. "Don't you want to hear my last words"?

"I just did". Liquid replied as he brought the blade down.

Chris got out of the lighthouse just in time to see Liquid chop off Wesker's head.

"Wow, guildmaster"! Chris exclaimed. "You're a good shot"!

"In all honesty". Liquid replied as he sheathed his sword. "I was aiming for his ass".

"Still, guildmaster". "You saved my life"!

"I'm warning you, Chicken Chaser". "If you get all sentimental on me, I'll kick you in the nuts".

"So, what do we do now, guildmaster"?

"We need to stop that lunitic before he get's the sword". "I'll go back to the guild and send everyone after him, while you follow Saddler".

Liquid then stepped through the cullis gate, leaving Chris alone.

"But, what am I supposed to do"? Chris asked as he stepped through.


	36. Stop The Focus Sites

Chris vanished into the cullis gate, and reappeared in witchwood, but something was wrong.

The sky was all red, and there was creepy music playing in the background.

"Now, I can't put my finger on it". He said as he walked off the cullis gate. "But something here isn't right".

No sooner had he stepped off the gate, when he was jumped by three minions. Two of them grabbed his arms, and the other one looked at him.

"YOU AGAIN"!? It screamed.

"Hi, guys". Chris replied.

"Why do you keep following us"? "Do you like getting your ass kicked"?

"Um".

"YOU DO"?! "Well, then today is your lucky day"!

It began punching him in the stomach for a few minutes, and then the others joined in by kicking him in the stomach.

It seemed like there was nothing he could do, but then all three of the minions suddenly exploded, and Chris was left wondering what happened.

"What just happened"? He asked.

"Thanks for holding them still". Ada said as she walked out from behind a tree. "I couldn't get them to stop moving long enough to do that spell on my own".

"Uh...no problem".

"Hurry and catch Saddler"! "I'll deal with these guys"!

She continued to fight, and Chris continued up the path just in time to see Saddler standing in front of a hovering stone.

"Too slow, Chris". He taunted. "Catch me if you can".

He vanished, and Chris followed him, reappearing at orchard farm, and running right into a screamer.

"What the"? He asked.

Then it opened it's mouth and screamed, making Chris scream as he ran for his life.

More and more screamers appeared and chased after him as he ran, and he almost made it to the gates, when they grabbed him and screamed right in his face.

In response to this, Chris also screamed, but his was so loud and high pitched that it made the screamer vanish.

"Holy shit"! Another screamer yelled. "He screams even louder and more girly then we do"! "Let's get the fuck outa here"!

The screamers ran away, and Chris ran out the gates just in time to see the stone rise into the air behind Saddler.

"Nice try, hero". He taunted. "But you move about as fast as molasses in january".

He vanished again, and Chris followed, only to reappear in gibbet woods, and run right into a wall, knocking him on his ass.

"Hey, gringo"! The giant beetle yelled. "We meet again"!

"Oh, shit". Chris whispered as he got up.

"What the hell is your damage, homes"? The other beetle asked. "We told you what would happen if you fuck with us again". "Hell, we even move to new place to get away from you, essay".

"Uh..um...well...um".

"LET'S FUCK HIM UP"!

Chris screamed as they chased him up the hill, and when they reached the top, Saddler was just making the stone rise into the air.

"What the"? Saddler asked.

"Outa the way"! Chris screamed. "Outa the way"!

He rammed into Saddler, causing them to fall into the vortex, and reappear in the hobbe cave enterence.

"Get off of me"! Saddler yelled as he kicked him.

The kick made Chris fly into the wall, and he recovered just in time to see Saddler running through the door.

"Come back here"! He yelled as he ran after him.

He followed him all the way down into the room where he had rescued the boy, and when he got there, he saw Leon getting beat up by minions.

"Help me"! Leon yelled as they kicked his ass.

Chris was trying to figure out a way to help him, when the final stone rose into the air, and Saddler came out from behind it laughing.

"Thanks for playing, hero". He laughed. "But I must go because I got a hot date with your mother and sister". "Let's go, minions"!

The minions released Leon, and followed Saddler into the vortex.

"We have to stop him"! Chris yelled. "Let's go, Leon"!

"Are you insane"? Leon asked. "Even if I was dumb enough to fight Saddler, his minions have been kicking my ass for this whole time".

"Alright, you stay here, and I will get guildmaster Liquid to help me".

Chris vanished into the vortex, and reappeared in the maproom of the hero's guild. Everything was on fire, and he could hear some fighting going on in the library, so he ran in and saw what was going on.

All of the minions were dead on the floor, and Liquid was in a sword fight with Saddler.

"Liquid, why do you resist"? Saddler asked as they went back and forth across the room. "Your guild leader made the right choice, why can't you"?

"Because you're an asshole". Liquid replied. "And since Wesker died, I'M the leader of the guild, and Guildmaster in every since of the word".

They continued fighting for a minute, and then Chris decided to help. So he drew his sword, leaped in, tripped over his own two feet, and bumped into Liquid.

This caused Liquid's sword to move out of the way as he caught himself, and allowed Saddler to stab him in the stomach.

Saddler then ran down another hall, and Liquid slowly sunk to the floor.

"Guildmaster"! Chris screamed. "Are you alright"?

"God damn you, Chicken Chaser"! Liquid replied. "What the hell did you do that for"?

"Are you alright"?

"I just got stabbed with a master cleaver, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK"?! "As soon as I can get up, I'll kick you in the nuts so hard that you'll die, come back to life, and die again"!

"Don't worry, guildmaster"! "I'll stop him"!

Without another word, Chris ran down the hall so that he could finally confront Saddler of blades.


	37. The Sword Of Aeons

Chris ran down the hall, and into the chamber of fate. There he saw his mother and sister tied up, and there was a light between them.

"And now, my pretty". Saddler said as he grabbed Rebecca. "You and I are gonna have a little fun while we wait for the sword to appear".

She responded to this by headbutting him.

"Why you little bitch"! He yelled as he raised his sword.

He then chopped off her head, and Chris screamed, but then her body changed into light, and made the sword appear.

"Well, I'll be damned". Saddler said as he jammed his master cleaver into the floor next to Claire. "If I'd known it would be that easy I would have done that a long time ago".

Chris gasped as Saddler pulled the sword of aeons from the light.

"Well, hero". Saddler said as he held up the sword. "I've got the sword, I just killed your mom, and now I'm gonna spend the rest of the day molesting your sister". "How does that make you feel"?

Chris raised his sword and screamed as he charged at Saddler, only to be booted in the chest, and sent rolling back down the stairs.

"You pathetic little shit". Saddler continued. "You can't protect anyone, not even yourself". "Liquid might have been able to defeat me, but you couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag".

Saddler started laughing like a madman, and Chris slowly reached into his pocket for Liquid's super hero potion. But Saddler saw this, and did the assassin rush over to him before he could get it.

He knocked it out of Chris's hand, sending it sliding across the floor to the other side of the room. Then Saddler punched him in the face, and lifted him up into the air with his free hand.

"So". He said. "Liquid still makes that potion, huh"? "It was a big hit back in the 80's, but now it will do you no good whatsoever".

He started kneeing Chris in the stomach, and then he tossed him into the wall, making him collapse to the floor.

"Why are you doing this"? Chris asked as he started to get up. "What did we ever do to you"?

"Nothing". Saddler replied. "I'm just as asshole"! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

Chris got to his feet and ran at Saddler with his sword raised, but Saddler stepped out of the way and stuck his foot out, making Chris eat the floor.

He got up again, and swung his sword, but Saddler knocked it out of his hand, kicked him in the nuts, and pushed him back down the stairs.

"I have a serious question for you, Chris". Saddler said as Chris started getting back up. "How do you honestly expect to beat me".

"Don't you know"? Chris asked. "In this kind of story, the bad guy always loses".

Saddler started laughing.

"That all depends on who is writing the story". He replied. "And from what I've seen, it could go either way".

Chris's ass kicking resumed as Saddler began punching and kicking him. Then he tossed him into another wall, and laughed as he crashed onto the floor.

"HA HA HA HA"! Saddler yelled. "You are the most worthless thing I have ever seen". "You will lose and the sword, this world, and your sister will all be mine, MUAHAHAHAHAHA"!

It looked like all was lost, but then Saddler stopped laughing as his own master cleaver was shoved all the way through his back.

He screamed as his body vanished, leaving only the mask and the sword, and revealing that Claire had been standing right behind him.

"Asshole". She said.

Chris got up, walked over to her, and then he picked up the sword of aeons.

"This is incredible"! He shouted as he held it up. "I can feel it's power flowing into me, and now I will finally be a true hero"!

But then the power faded as Claire grabbed it out of his hand, and cast it into the vortex.

"HEY"! He screamed. "What was that for"?!

"As you can see, brother". She replied as the vortex closed. "There is nothing you posess that I cannot take away". "But you can have the mask if you want".

"So, what happens now"?

"I don't care what happens to you". "As for me, I'm running away to forign lands with my lesbien lover, Jill Valentine". "See ya".

Chris just kind of stood there as she left, then he put the mask on his belt, and put the hero potion back in his pocket.

They had won.

"Chicken Chaser"! Liquid screamed from in the library. "Get your micky mouse lookin ass out here and get this place cleaned up before I kick you in the nuts again"!

"Coming, guildmaster"! Chris replied as he ran out of the chamber.

Saddler of blades had been defeated, and the evil sword had been destroyed just so Chris wouldn't be allowed to have it.

The whole world rejoiced except for Chris, because Guildmaster Liquid blamed him for the entire situation. So after he was kicked in the nuts a few times, he was forced to rebuild the entire guild brick by brick because Liquid refused to hire contracters.

Eventually the guild recovered, and peace was restored...or so they thought...

One year later...


	38. Threat From The North

Chris had finally gotten a chance to rest, and had just closed his eyes when Liquid barged into his room, grabbed the mattress, and flipped it over.

"OH MY GOD, EARTHQUAKE"! Chris screamed as he fell to the floor.

"Oh, I'm sorry". Liquid replied. "Did I wake you"?

He then picked up a bucket of water and tossed it into Chris's face.

"What is the capital of vermont"? Liquid asked.

"What"? Chris replied.

Another bucket was tossed on him.

"Who was the first female kick boxing champion"? Liquid asked.

"Uh...um". Chris replied.

Another bucket was tossed on him.

"How many dimples are in a golf ball"? Liquid asked.

"Uh, 237"?

"Correct, I'm proud of you, Chicken Chaser".

Another bucket was tossed on him.

"But I got the question right, guildmaster"! Chris yelled.

"Well, I filled up 4 buckets". Liquid replied. "Do you like wasting water, dumbass"?

"No, guildmaster".

"Good, then get your worthless ass out of bed". "We got a lot of stuff to do and there are only 4 people left in the guild besides the guards".

"What happened to everyone else, guildmaster"?

"They all went on strike". "Said something about me violating their basic human rights or something". "There was once a time where you would take people like that out back and beat them with a hose, but now you got your god damn unions". "WHY ARE YOU NOT READY YET"?!

Chris got dressed as fast as he could, and followed Liquid down the stairs.

"We need to get outside". Liquid explained. "We are supposed to be getting a message from forest". "He's the guy who left seeking white castle, but never returned".

"Guildaster". Chris replied. "Can I ask you a serious question"?

"It's not about math is it"?

"No, guildmaster".

"Then go ahead".

"Guildmaster, why do you always beat and torture me"? "Don't you remember what it was like to be in training"?

Liquid stopped for a second, and started thinking.

(FLASHBACK)

"Let's go, motherfucker"! Samual L. Jackson yelled as he dragged a younger Liquid outside by the ear.

"Yes, guildmaster". Liquid replied.

"I swear to god, Liquid"! "If you fuck anything up today I will kick you in the nuts so god damn hard"!

"But I haven't fucked up anything in months, guildmaster".

"I know, BUT LET'S PRETEND THAT YOU DID"!

He suddenly kicked Liquid in the nuts, and tossed him into the melee ring.

"Alright, dumbass". Sam Jackson continued. "Today you are gonna fight to the death"!

"Yes, guildmaster". Liquid replied.

"And here to help you is your new sparing partner, Jackie Chan"!

Liquid turned around just in time to see a foot coming at his face, and then everything went dark.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"I can't recall anything important". Liquid said as they reached the door. "But it's best to not dwell on the past".

They walked outside, and Ada was already waiting for them.

"The transmission is coming in now". She said as they reached the platform.

There was static for a second, and suddenly bevis and butthead appeared.

"Hey, check it out butthead". Bevis said. "This chick has three boobs"!

"Woah"! Butthead replied. "How many butts does she have"?

There was static again, and then Forest appeared.

"Hey, guys". He said. "I've got good news and bad news". "The good news is that I finally found white castle up here in the northern wastes". "The bad news is that I also found these guys".

He turned the camera, and there was a close up of a summoner roaring, making them all scream as the camera went back to Forest.

"Pretty scarry, huh"? Forest asked. "Hell, you all almost crapped your pants, except for Chris". "HE DID CRAP HIS PANTS"!

"Sorry". Chris said as he hung his head.

"Alright, see you guys later".

The transmission cut out, and Liquid knew that he needed to come up with a plan.

"Ok". He said. "Here's what's gonna happen". "You two are gonna figure out a way to stop these creatures, while I go back into the guild and drink myself into oblivion". "Ready, go"!

He walked away, and Chris and Ada just looked at eachother.

"Ok". Ada said. "Since I have a brain, I want you to go into that demon door over there, and get something called the fire heart".

Chris looked at the demon door, and suddenly thunder crashed as dromatic music played.

"In there"? He asked.

"NOW, MOTHER FUCKER"! She screamed.

He quickly ran to the door, and it started laughing at him.

"Well, well". It said. "Another stupid ass, er, I mean, another brave challenger here to commit suicide, er, uh, I mean here to try and get the fire heart". "Go on in".

It opened, and Chris slowly walked inside.


	39. Prophets Of The Fire Heart

Chris walked down a short hallway, and soon found himself in a large chamber, but it was so dark that he couldn't see anything at all.

But then the lights came on, revealing the fire heart hovering on the cieling, and a bunch of guys tied to chairs with gaggs in their mouths.

"What the hell"? Chris asked.

There were five of them all around the room. Tom Cruise, Garth Brooks, Samual L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Chuck Norris.

"Who the fuck are you"? Sam Jackson asked as Chris removed his gag. "On second thought, I don't give a rat's ass who you are, so long as you get us outa here".

"Why are you guys here"?

"Here's the short version". "We all used to run this guild before Liquid and Wesker took over". "One day Wesker beat the shit outa Tom and Garth, and Liquid tricked the rest of us into eating some brownies that were filled up with blue mushroom pieces".

"So, how do I get you out". "Oh, and I need that fire thing as well".

"Ok, here's the deal". "Each of us has to give you a task to do". "Some kind of puzzle". "Each time you solve one, you free one of us". "But if you get us killed you can never have the fire heart because I will kill you right before you die, got it"?

"Ok, let's do it"!

Chris was all excited as he took the gaggs off of their mouths. Not only was he going to solve the puzzles and get the fire heart, but he was also going to restore the former rulers of the guild and be rewarded for his heroism.

"Ok". Tom Cruise said. "Here is your first puzzle".

The floor suddenly lit up, revealing a whole bunch of letters.

"What do I do"? Chris asked.

"Your task is simple". He replied. "You must correctly spell the word encyclopedia".

"Encyclopedia". Chris said. "Got it".

He took a leap, and landed on the "I" block. This caused a buzz saw to come down, and cut Tom Cruise in half.

"OH MY GOD"! Garth Brooks screamed. "HE'S GONNA GET US ALL KILLED"!

"Calm down". Sam Jackson ordered. "The kid's just off to a bad start". "Besides, are any of us really sad to see Tom Cruise dead"?

They all shook their heads.

"Ok, then let's continue". Jackie Chan said. "Here is your second puzzle".

The floor suddenly changed into a basketball court.

"Score two points". Jackie said as a basketball appeared in Chris's hands. "That's all you have to do".

Chris really didn't want to mess up again, so he took the ball, and climbed up on top of the backboard, right over the hoop.

"Jackie Chan"! Chris screamed as he raised the ball over his head. "Prepare to be free"!

He tossed the ball down as hard as he could, but it bounced off of the rim, and smacked him in the jaw, causing him to fall to the floor like a bitch. It also caused Jackie to scream as he was engulfed in flames and burnt to a crisp.

"TELL HIM TO STOP"! Garth Screamed. "BEING TRAPPED IN HERE IS BETTER THEN BEING DEAD"!

"Silence"! Sam ordered. "He will continue".

"Right". Chuck Norris said. "Behold your puzzle".

The floor shifted into a regular floor.

"Face your worst fear". Chuck explained. "And I will be free".

Chris was sure that he could do this. He would not fail again.

"Come on, greatest fear"! He yelled. "Show yourself"!

Suddenly the door was kicked open, and Liquid appeared...

And he was wearing steel toe boots!

"Hey, Chicken Chaser". Liquid said. "I need you to help me test out my new boots".

"AHHHHHHHH"! Chris squeeled as he ran away.

Suddenly Chuck Norris's chair became electrified, frying him until his eye balls popped out.

"ENOUGH"! Garth screamed. "ENOUGH IS E-GOD-DAMN-NOUGH"! "I SWEAR LIQUID MUST HAVE SENT THIS ASSHOLE ON PURPOSE"!

"Stop it". Sam replied. "He's bound to pass these last two, so just give him your test".

"NO"!

"But if you don't give him the test, you die".

"I do"?! "What kind of bullshit is that"?!

"JUST DO IT"!

"Alright, here is your puzzle".

The floor remained the same.

"You must stick out your tounge". Garth explained. "And touch your forehead".

Thunder crashed, and dramatic music played.

Chris calmed himself down, and focused. Then he stuck out his tongue, lifted up his finger...

"Yes"! Garth yelled. "That's the way"!

Chris aimed it at his forehead...

"YES"! Garth Screamed. "DO IT"!!!!!!!

Chris then shot it toward's his forehead, but ended up poking himself in the eye, causing a wall of spikes to fell on Garth Brooks.

"Ok, kid". Sam Jackson said. "This one is easy". "All you have to do is grab the fire heart with these protective gloves, and walk out of here".

Chris put on the gloves, reached up for the heart, grabbed it, and brought it down.

"LOOK"! Chris screamed as he shoved it in Sam Jackson's face. "I DID IT"!

Sam then screamed as the fire heart reduced him to a pile of ashes.

"Oh". Chris said as he looked at it. "Whoops".

He then looked at all of the death he just caused, and ran out of the chamber, only to be kicked in the nuts.

"It's about god damn time"! Ada yelled as he fell over. "Hurry up and go see the guildmaster, he said has something for you". "Then get your ass to hook coast, so that you can go to your death, er, uh, I mean continue on your quest".

"OK"! Chris screamed. "NEVER FEAR, BECAUSE I'M ON THE CASE"!

His hero music started playing as he turned toward the door, but then it stopped as he slammed right into a street lamp, and fell on his ass.

"Hopeless". Ada said as she walked away. "Completely hopeless".


	40. Find Avo's Tear

Chris was cautious as he walked back into the guild. He expected Liquid to kick him in the nuts as soon as he entered, but to his surprise there was no one there.

"Hello"? He asked. "Guildmaster"?

"In here, Chicken Chaser". Liquid replied from the dining room. "HURRY THE FUCK UP"!

Chris ran into the dining room, and found Liquid standing behind Leon, who was sitting at the table looking stoned off his ass.

"Say hellooo, Chicken Chaser". Liquid said.

"Hellooo, Chicken Chaser". Leon said.

"What the hell"? Chris asked.

"You're just in time for dinner". Liquid continued as he cut around Leon's forehead.

Chris looked at the table, and saw the remains of a dozen blue mushrooms.

"Blue mushrooms"! Chris yelled. "You drugged him"?!

"No, I didn't". Liquid replied. "That's his stuff". "BUT CHECK THIS OUT"!

He then popped off the top of Leon's skull, and laughed like a mad man.

"OH, MY GOD"! Chris squeeled.

Liquid laughed for a second, but then stopped as he saw that there was an empty void inside Leon's skull.

"I figured as much". He said as he slapped Leon's skull back on.

He then pushed Leon to the floor, and sat down at the table.

"Uh, guildmaster"? Chris asked.

Liquid suddenly punched him in the nuts, jumped up from the table, and roundhouse kicked him in the face, sending him down.

"DON'T EVER SNEAK UP ON ME, GOD DAMN IT"! Liquid screamed. "IT'S A GOOD WAY TO GET CASTURATED"!

"But, guildmaster". Chris replied as he got up. "Ada said you had something for me".

"Oh, that". "There's some kind of sword that gives idiots like you power". "Wesker was looking for it, so you might have to look through his notes in order to find it". "WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU STILL HERE"!

Chris ran out of the dining room, and didn't stop until he reached Wesker's old room. Then he began looking through the diary that was left on the bed.

It read:

November 15th, some little fucker just shot an arrow through my window. It could have only been that new kid Kirt or Craig or whatever the hell his name is. No one else is that stupid, and if Liquid wanted to kill me, he could have just put a razor in my blow up doll like he did to that Pee-Wee Herman guy a few years back.

November 20th, found a reference to a sword that could make even the most retarded loser into a true hero. All I have to do is go to that unmarked grave in the courtyard, and think of the sword, then the ghosts should judge me worthy. I sure hope this works.

November 21st, thoes ghosts are complete assholes. They said I wasn't worthy, and then they gave me a wegie and said that I was the mayor of loserville. I just don't want Liquid to get his hands on that sword.

"THAT'S IT"! Chris screamed.

He dropped the book, and ran for the exit, once again forgetting about the stairs. This caused him to tumble down the stairs, and crash in a heap at the bottom.

"I'm ok"! He yelled as he got up.

Then he ran over to the graves, and started searching for the unmarked one.

The first one read:

HERE LIES THE FAIRY GODMOTHER. A FEW HANSLES SHORT OF A GRETTLE IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. KILLED BY HER OWN MAGIC.

The second one read:

HERE LIES PRINCE CHARMING. NEMESIS DIDN'T THINK HE WAS, AND BEAT HIM TO A PULP.

The third one read:

HERE LIES CHEECH AND CHONG. SPENT THEIR ENTIRE LIVES STONED, ONLY TO BE STONED BY AN ANGRY MOB.

Then at last he found the unmarked grave, and as he stood in front of it, he thought of nothing but the sword.

"Alright, check it out". A voice said. "We can see that you are a good guy and all, and that you lost the sword of aeons so that your sister could live". "But there is one small problem".

"What's that"? Chris asked.

"Nothing personal, but you are a complete dumbass, and the only person that you are a danger to is yourself". "And now you must pay the penalty for wasting our time".

Suddenly an invisible foot kicked him in the nuts, and then he screamed as his underwear was pulled up over his head. The foot then booted him in the ass, and he ate the dirt as the ghosts vanished.

"How can you live with yourself"? Liquid asked as he came out from behind a tree.

"Guildmaster"? Chris asked. "You were watching"?

"Of course I was watching". "And now I can't have the sword, thanks to your incompetence".

"You were going to take the sword"?

"No, I was gonna let a dumbshit like you have the most powerful weapon in the world, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK"?!

He then kicked Chris in the nuts, and walked back into the guild.

Chris was hurt by this, but there was no time for self pity. He had let the guildmaster down again, but he would make up for it by completing his quest without the sword. Yes, it was hero time once again.

His hero music started playing once again as he ran toward the maproom. He needed to get the fire heart to hook coast so that he could save the world!

He entered the maproom, and ran full speed at the cullis gate, but it shut off at the last second, making him slam into the wall, and fall on his ass.

"Gotcha"! Liquid yelled as he plugged it back in. "God, you're easy"!

The cullis gate suddenly came back on, and Chris vanished.

"Now, how am I supposed to get that sword"? Liquid asked himself. "Hey, Leon"! "Come here"!


	41. Fire For The Lighthouse

Chris reappeared at the Hook Coast cullis gate, and was shocked to see that the entire town was silent.

"It's quiet". He said as he began walking. "Too quiet".

It was like a ghost town as he stepped through the gates, but then he was stopped by a guard.

"About time you showed up". The guard said.

"You were expecting me"? Chris asked.

"Yep". "That Guildmaster of yours ordered us to evacuate this town by any means nessessary". "And that's good because most of the guys on duty today are recent transfers from the LAPD".

Suddenly a group of 5 guards came out of nowhere, and tackled Chris to the ground.

"What the hell"?! Chris screamed.

"He's resisting arrest"! One of the guards screamed. "Officer down"! "We got a runner"!

Chris was about to ask what was going on, when one of the guards maced him in the eyes, making him scream like a girl. Then another one tazered him, while the others beat him with their billy clubs.

"Aren't these new Repeater-Beaters great"? A guard asked as the beating continued. "It's like hitting him 25 times with one stroke".

This continued for a few more minutes, and then they lifted Chris to his feet. Then a dozen microphones and news cameras were shoved in his face.

"Can't we all just get along"? He asked.

The guards just laughed at this, and the beating was about to resume, when Ada came out of one of the buildings.

"Alright, assholes". She said. "Break it up, this guy's with me".

"I am"? Chris asked.

"Well...maybe just one more hit for good measure".

Chris was then whacked in the back of the head, making him fall on his face. Then the guards walked away, and Ada walked up to him.

"Alright, numb-nuts". She said. "Break time's over, time to do your job".

Chris quickly got to his feet.

"Put the damn fireheart in the lighthouse". She ordered. "And be quick about it".

He took off like a shot, running into the lighthouse and up the stairs as fast as he could. But it was alot higher then he remembered, so by the time he reached the top, he was so out of breath that he fell to his hands and knees.

"HURRY THE FUCK UP"! Ada screamed. "JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY TEACH YOU KIDS IN SCHOOL THESE DAYS"?!

Once he caught his breath, Chris stood up, and set the fireheart on the pedistal. Then there was a blinding flash of light and heat that shattered the windows, and made Chris stumble backwards toward the stairs.

Ada just shook her head as Chris screamed and rolled all the way down the stairs. Then he slammed face first into the snow, and Ada stepped on him as she walked away.

"I take it that the fireheart is in position". She said as he tried to get up. "I guess that means that the ship will be coming in soon".

Suddenly there was a noise behind them, and they looked to see two summoners and a bunch of minions appear out of nowhere.

"They must be after the fireheart"! Chris yelled as he jumped to his feet. "We must defend it at all costs, right, Ada"?..."Ada"?

She was nowhere to be found, and then the minions spotted him.

"You again"? It asked. "What, do you enjoy getting your ass kicked"?

"Actually". Chris replied as he stepped back. "I was just leaving".

He turned to run away, but instead ran right into a summoner.

"Um". He said.

It then grabbed him by the shirt collar, lifted him up, and roared in his face, making him piss his pants.

"I think he does enjoy getting his ass kicked". The minion continued.

"No, I don't"! Chris screamed. "No I don't"!

"Yes, you do". "So, we're gonna play a little game, and our big friend here likes games, don't you big guy"?

The summoner roared again.

Great, so do we". It continued. "This game is called: See how much pain the little hero can take before he begs for the merciful release of death". "Ready, go"!

The summoner suddenly spiked Chris like a vollyball, making him crash into a bunch of barrels.

"I don't think I like this game". Chris said as the monsters laughed.

They were about to start the next round, when suddenly a black mercedes flew around the corner, and came to a screeching halt across the street from them. Then the window rolled down, and the driver leaned out.

"Break yourself, foos"! He screamed.

"OH, SHIT"! The minion screamed. "IT'S WAYNE BRADY"!

The monsters ran for cover as Wayne Brady aimed his tommy-gun at them and opened fire, giving Chris the time he needed to get away.

"God damn it"! The minion yelled as they ran. "I knew we shouldn't have picked this block"!

The car then shifted into gear, and the tires squealed as it took off after them.

"I'm Wayne Brady, bitch"! He yelled as they all went out of sight.

Meanwhile, Chris had been hiding behind some more barrels. Once he was sure it was safe, he came out just in time to see the fireheart flash even brighter then before.

Then he watched in awe as a ship rose up from under the water, and stopped at the dock.

"At last"! He yelled as he ran to the dock. "I can finally get out of this loony bin"!

Soon he reached the ship, and ran up the gangplank, only to find the ship empty.

"Well...this is nice, I guess". He said as he stepped onto the deck.

No sooner had the words left his lips, when a whole bunch of sailors jumped him, and he screamed as he saw that they looked like half man-half sea creatures.

They grabbed his arms, and dragged him before their squid-faced captain.

"Greetings, matey". Davy Jones said. "Do ye fear death"?

The crew laughed, and Chris shrieked as the ship set sail.


	42. The Northern Wastes

The great ship sailed across the endless ocean, toward the northern wastes, but for Chris, the trip was less then pleasent. He was forced to be the cabin boy, and was made to wear a dress while he cleaned because the captain liked that sort of thing.

This went on for weeks and weeks, getting worse and worse as Chris was beaten and humiliated. And believe me, most of it was horrible.

Finally after what seemed like forever, land was sighted...

Chris was in the middle of scrubbing one of the rails, when the ship came to a screeching hault, causing him to fall face first onto the deck.

"ABANDON SHIP"! Chris screamed. "MAN OVERBOARD"! "WOMEN, CHILDREN, AND ME FIRST"!

"What the hell is wrong with this guy"? One of the sailors asked.

"I don't know". His buddy replied. "He's been doing that all week, but atleast he didn't piss himself this time".

Chris was getting to his feet, when Davy Jones suddenly grabbed him from behind.

"Well, lad". He said as he dragged him toward the edge of the boat. "This is your stop".

Before Chris could say anything, he recieved a boot in the ass, making him scream as he went over the side. This made the whole crew laugh as he got another mouthful of dirt upon hitting the beach.

"Fun sailing with ya, lad". Davy Jones called as the ship started leaving. "Give us a call next time you need a ride". "Hell, I'll even let you keep the dress".

The crew laughed again as the ship went underwater, and Chris grumbled to himself as he changed back into his regular clothes.

Once he was dressed, he looked around and saw only one building in sight. It seemed to be a bit run down, but anything was better then being stuck out in the cold, so he started toward it.

He was about halfway there, when there was a crunching sound under his foot, followed by a roar of pain. Then to Chris's horror, a giant ice troll slowly rose from the ground.

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU"?! It screamed. "AND WHY DID YOU STEP ON MY FOOT LIKE AN ASSHOLE"?!

"I'm...uh...sorry". Chris replied. "I didn't, uh...um...see you there".

"Oh yeah, you're sorry, alright". "You're the sorriest piece of shit I ever saw". "Now how does this feel"?

The ice troll suddenly raised his foot, and slammed it down onto Chris's, making him scream like a bitch as his foot was crushed.

"I'M SORRY"! Chris shreaked. "I'M SORRY"! "I DIDN'T MEAN IT"! "PLEASE GET OFF MY FOOT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD"!

"That's better". The troll said as he released Chris.

Chris fell on his ass, crying like a girl and holding his foot.

"What the hell are you doing here, anyway"? The troll asked.

"I'm trying to get to snowspire village". Chris replied as he sobbed. "Please don't kick my ass"!

"What the hell would you want to go to snowspire for"?

"I'm on a mission for the hero's guild". "Do you know where the village is"?

The troll just looked at him for a second, with anger building up in his eyes.

"The hero's guild"? It asked. "THE FUCKING HERO'S GUILD"?!

"Uh, yeah". Chris replied.

"I see...so does that mean you work for Liquid"?

Chris froze, and as the troll glared at him, he wondered how it was possible for one man to have so many enemies.

He screamed as the troll grabbed him, and lifted him into the air.

"That mother fucker turned my family into sno-cones"! It screamed into his face. "AND NOW I'M GONNA HAVE TO FUCK YOU UP"!

It choke slammed him into the ground, and began stomping the shit out of him for a few minutes. Then it lifted him back into the air.

"That was fun". The troll said. "Now let me show you the way to snowspire village".

The troll pulled back, and Chris screamed as he was tossed across the northern wastes.

Meanwhile, in snowspire village...

"It gives me great pleasure". The mayor said to the crowd. "To announce the three finalists in the annual women's body building contest.

Three women with huge muscles started posing for the crowd.

"Now then". The mayor continued. "Does any man with to challenge these three incredible scary, er, I mean powerful women in combat"?

Suddenly from off in the distance came a high pitched scream that seemed to get closer and closer.

"What the hell is that"? The mayor asked.

Suddenly the crowd scattered as Chris flew over the wall, and crashed into one of the finalists, knocking her to the ground.

"We seem to have a challenger". The mayor said.

"Wha..."? Chris asked as he started getting up.

"So"! The woman yelled as she picked him up. "Little man must have death wish"! "Let's kick the shit out of this asshole"!

"No"! "Wait"!

She tossed him to the ground, and all three of them began stomping him.

"Ladies and gentilmen". The mayor continued as the stomping went on and on. "I give you the winners of this year's competition"!

The crowd cheered, but Chris continued to be stomped.

A few minutes later they stopped, and as the crowd walked away, Chris could only think how much he hated the northern wastes.


	43. Fast Times At Snowspire Village

Once Chris was finally able to get on his feet, he was surprised to see Forest walking up to him.

"Well, well". Forest said. "Look who finally decided to show up".

"Uh, hi". Chris replied. "You work for the hero's guild too, right"? "You're the one from the message".

"Well, no shit, Sherlock". "Yeah, Liquid signs my paycheck and I sent that message". "But I see that you took your sweet ass time getting here, while this whole place is falling to shit".

"Uh".

"But that's ok". "If you wanna spend all day playing reigndeer games, just call me fucking rudolph".

Forest suddenly punched him in the stomach, and then gave him a roundhouse kick to the head, making him hit the ground.

"Alright, now get up". Forest ordered. "We got shit to do".

After a moment, Chris got to his feet, and started following Forest to the center of town.

"This is snowspire village". Forest said as they walked. "These people would kill their own mothers for a bar of chocolate, and yes they can smell your fear". "That's why I want you to smoke this".

He handed Chris a large joint.

"I don't know". Chris replied.

Forest stopped walking.

"This is not an option, bitch". Forest said. "Smoke this right the hell now".

"But, is it safe"? Chris asked.

"Mother fucker, either you smoke this, or we are gonna have a problem".

Realising that he had no choice, Chris lit the end of the joint, and took a hit. Then almost instantly the village began to spin, and everything blurred.

"Ha ha ha". Forest said. "I didn't know you like to get wet".

"Wha..."? Chris asked.

"That was PCP...Angel Dust".

Forest started walking again, and Chris continued to trip as he stumbled along behind him. Everything was changing colors, the village kept spinning, and then he saw a halucination of Liquid's head floating next to him.

"People like Forest Speyer". Liquid's head said. "Because he makes Jeffery Dahmer look like Mother Theresa".

A few seconds later Chris blacked out, and woke up on a large stone arena.

"What happened"? He asked as he got up.

"You got high". Forest explained. "Then you started doing a bunch of stupid shit, and lastly you proved that white men can in fact jump".

"What do you mean"?

"You just got jumped by 6 of them, which is why your wallet is gone". "Anyway, this is the oracle of snowspire village".

Chris looked and saw a giant statue with four heads. The first head looked like a cop, the second looked like a cowboy, the thirs looked like a construction worker, and the fourth looked like an indian.

"In order to find out what the fuck is going on". Forest continued. "We need to activate this oracle, and to do this, you must pass three tests".

"What are these tests"? Chris asked.

"Your first test is to stop being a bitch". "I can tell that this will be your most difficult of the three". "The second test is to enter the necropolis like a stupid ass, er, uh, I mean like a true hero, and retrieve the expressions to activate the statue". "Finally the third test is to make it back here alive". "Ready, go".

"But how do I

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE"?!

Chris took off like a shot, and ran for the village gates, but was interupted when he ran into someone, knocking them to the ground.

"I'm sorry". Chris said as they got up.

"Damn right you are". He said as he took out his wand. "Do you have any idea who you just fucked with"?

"Uh, no".

"I'm Harry Potter, bitch"! "Now prepare to pay the penalty"! "LEVICORPIS"!

Chris was suddenly lifted into the air upside down.

"Wait"! Chris screamed. "This isn't nessessary"!

"BITCHSLAPIO"! Harry yelled.

Chris started crying as an unseen force began slapping him in the face.

"ROBYOUBLINDIUM"! Harry yelled.

"No"! Chris yelled as his money was floated into Harry's pockets. "Hey, I need that"!

"Yeah, well you know what I need"?! Harry asked. "I need people like you to stop being such little cocksuckers"! "Now prepare to feel pain the likes of which you never thought possible, as I summon the Hundred-Handed Iorn-Fisted Hell-Monkeys of Satan to whoop your ass"!

"PLEASE NO"!

"AMIS...

Suddenly Harry was kicked in the nuts from behind, making him groan in pain as he fell to his hands and knees. Then the wand was taken from him, allowing Chris to crash to the ground.

"As fun as it is to see him get his ass whooped". Liquid said as he pointed the wand at Harry. "I need him to do my dirty work".

"Liquid"! Harry yelled. "I should have known that you would sneak up on me from behind"!

"Yeah, you should have, but you were too busy being a teenage bitch, weren't you"? "AVADA KRAVADA"!

The killing spell left Harry dead, and as Liquid walked away from him, he put his new wand in his boot for later use.

"Thanks, guildmaster". Chris said as he walked up to him.

Liquid responded to this by kicking him in the nuts.

"I can't believe that you got your ass kicked by Harry Potter". Liquid said as Chris sunk to the ground. "Normaly I would punish you, but right now we got shit to do, so follow me".

"Where are we going"? Chris asked as he got up.

"To the necropolis"!

Thunder crashed, and dramatic music played as they walked out of the village.


	44. Into The Necropolis

Chris followed Liquid out the gates of snowspire village, and he was shocked to see a snow-plow truck waiting for them.

"What is this, guildmaster"? Chris asked.

"It's a snowplow truck". He replied as he jumped in. "I boosted it this morning, so hurry up and get in so that I can get it back before that big guy realises it's gone". "AND FOR GOD'S SAKE DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING"!

Chris jumped in, and Liquid fired up the engine. A moment later they were on the road to the necropolis.

"Does the radio work"? Chris asked as he turned it on.

"But now I'm stronger then yesterday"! Brittney Spears sang. "My lonliness ain't killin me no more"!

"I don't fucking think so, Chicken Chaser". Liquid replied as he turned the knob.

"Throw'em in the mosh pit"! The radio blared. "Throw'em in the mosh pit"! "Swing your mother-fuckin fist and beat'em in the mosh pit"!

Chris suddenly turned the knob again.

"Just beat it"! Micheal Jackson sang. "Beat it"! "No one want's to be defeated"!

Chris and Liquid were now smacking eachother's hands out of the way, trying to get control of the radio.

"Lonliness is such a sad affair". The carpenters sang. "And I can hardly wait to be with you again". "What you say to make you come again, back to me again". "And play your sad guitar".

"Damn". Liquid said. "Talk about a gay song".

"You're telling me, guildmaster". Chris replied. "This fricken sucks".

"You can change it if you want to, Chicken Chaser".

"It's all yours, guildmaster".

A few minutes later...

"DON'T YOU REMEMBER YOU SAID THAT YOU LOVE ME BABY"? Chris and Liquid sang. "YOU SAID YOU'D BE COMIN BACK THIS WAY AGAIN BABY"!

They would have continued singing, but suddenly the snow-plow truck came to a hault as it slammed into the necropolis wall. And since neither of them wore their seatbelt, they were catipulted through the windshield and right into the hole in the wall.

Chris got another mouthful of ground, and a second later Liquid landed on top of him.

"God damn it, Chicken Chaser"! Liquid yelled as he got up. "What the fuck did you do that for"?!

He then kicked Chris in the ribs, and then started walking away.

A few minutes later Chris was on his feet, but Liquid was already gone, so it was up to him to explore the necropolis.

THE NECROPOLIS!

Chris suddenly started shaking as he realised that he was standing in the middle of a dead city. He kept telling himself that he was the brave hero who defeated Saddler of blades, and that ghosts shouldn't scare him, but he just couldn't get past his cowardly nature.

"I...I'm...I'm brave". He told himself as he walked deeper into the city. "That's right...I'm...I'm a brave...I'm a brave hero".

As he walked, he didn't notice the three ghosts who were watching him from behind a tombstone.

"Get a load of this guy". Stretch said. "We couldn't ask for an easier target".

"10 bucks says he pisses himself". Fatso said. "And that's before we even start fucking with him".

"Ok". Stinky said. "So how do you wanna do this"? "Should we go old school on him"?

"Yeah". Stretch said. "Let's give him the old number 5". "Ready, go".

Meanwhile, Chris was still walking.

"Brave". He said again as Stinky crept up behind him. "Yep, that's me". "Brave".

Suddenly Stinky dropped a heavy chain on a piece of tin, and the noise made Chris scream like a girl as he ran down an alley.

Once he reached the dead end, Stretch got behind him with a pair of cymbals, and began banging them, causing Chris to scream again as he tried to claw and pound his way through the wall.

And for the final part of the old number 5, Fatso came out wearing a bunch of bling and baggy clothes.

"Booizzle"! He cried. "Booizzle"! "I am the gizzost of Snoop Dog for Shizzle"!

Chris was now so terrified that he plowed right through the wall, and ran away screaming as the ghosts laughed.

He continued screaming and running, until he slammed into a stone alter, and was knocked out. But when he woke up, he saw that on the alter was the expression tablets that he needed.

But before he could grab them, he heard a whip, and then someone swung down from a rooftop, and grabbed the tablets before landing safely on the ground.

"Score"! Indiana Jones said as he retracted his whip and put the tablets in his bag. "And thoes bitches in hollywood said it couldn't be done".

"Um...excuse me". Chris said.

"What the fuck do you want"? Indiana Jones replied. "Can't you see that I'm doing something here"?

"Well, um...I kinda need thoes tablets".

"And just who the fuck are you"?

"I'm Chris Redfield". "I was sent here by the hero's guild to get thoes tablets".

"Well, ain't you just special". "I should kick your ass just because you look like Forest Gump, so take this".

He picked up a small rock, and tossed it, whacking Chris in the head, and knocking him on his ass.

"OW"! Chris screamed as he rubbed his head. "WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT"?!

"That's just the beginning". Indiana Jones replied. "Next I'm gonna take this silly-straw here, and shove it up your pee-hole".

"NOOOOOOOO"!

Suddenly one of the doors on a building was kicked open, and Liquid walked out carrying a for sale sign.

"Oh, there you are, Chicken Chaser". Liquid said as he stuck the sign in the ground. "You're just in time to help me out with my latest scam, er, uh, I mean my latest completely ligit business venture".

"Uh, guildmaster". Chris said.

"Don't interupt me, bitch". "Anyway, the way it works is that we sell these homes here to stupid rich people, and the ghosts kill them before they can tell anyone what is really going on". "Then all we have to do is clean up the mess, and we can sell these buildings over and over again". "We'll be rich"! "Now, what the hell did you want"?

Chris pointed, and Liquid gasped as he saw Indiana Jones.

"We meet again, Liquid". He said. "And this time you won't get away".

He took out his whip, but Liquid already had his hand on his wand.

"Expelliomis"! Liquid yelled, sending the whip out of Indiana Jones's hand.

"Oh, that's how it is, huh"? Indiana Jones asked. "Well if you want to play rough, then so do I".

Indiana Jones then let out a sharp whistle, and the color drained out of Liquid's face as Short Round came out of one of the buildings.

"OH, SHIT"! Liquid screamed.

And as if that wasn't bad enough, Sean Connery came out of another building.

"OH, SHIT"! Liquid screamed again.

"Well, it's been fun". Indiana Jones said as he grabbed his whip. "But I need to take these stones away". "You kids have fun".

He then laughed as he ran away, leaving Liquid and Chris alone with Short Round and Sean Connery.

"What do we do, guildmaster"? Chris asked as he got up.

"Chicken Chaser, there is only one thing we can do". Liquid replied. "RUN LIKE A BITCH"!

They started running, but Connery tripped Liquid, while Shorty jumped on Chris's shoulders.

"You mess with Dr. Jones"? Shorty asked as he put Chris in a headlock. "Now I fuck you up"!

He then took Chris down to the ground, and began ramming his head into the wall. Then he kicked him in the stomach, and uppercutted him in the jaw, knocking him on his back.

As for Liquid, Connery kicked him in the side, sending him flying into a wall, and crashing onto the ground.

"You are a sissy man". Connery said as he walked over to Liquid. "You were born a sissy man, and you will die RIGHT NOW"!

He swung, but Liquid caught his fist and twisted it behind his back. He then kicked Connery in the stomach, brought his leg around for a kick to the back, and then hip slung him into a wall.

"Who's the sissy man, now"? Liquid asked as he aimed his wand. "Avada Kra

Suddenly Shorty jumped onto his head, and tackled him to the ground.

"I'll save you, guildmaster"! Chris yelled as he picked up a tombstone.

He swung it, but Shorty jumped out of the way, making Chris hit Liquid instead, knocking him out. This caused Connery and Shorty to bust out laughing.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris screamed as he realised what he had just done.

"Get him"! Connery yelled.

A few minutes later Chris was hanging from one of the street lamps by his underwear while they smacked him with sticks as if he was a piniata. After a few more minutes of this, they seemed to be doen with him.

"Let's get out of here". Connery said. "It may be fun to torture this guy, but I refuse to miss another episode of Desperate Housewives".

Shorty hit Chris one more time, and then they walked out of sight.

"Hey"! Chris yelled. "Hey"! "You can't leave me up here"! "HELP"!

Suddenly a green blast of energy shattered the streetlamp, making Chris scream as he crashed to the ground.

"Damn". Liquid said as he stumbled up to him. "I missed".

"Guildmaster"! Chris exclaimed as he got up. "Are you alright"?

Liquid responded to this by kicking him in the nuts, and then walking away without another word.

"I guess I'll see you back at the guild, then"? Chris asked.

Liquid flipped him the middle finger just before he was out of sight, and then he was gone.

"Great". Chris said to himself. "I failed my mission, and dissapointed the guildmaster". "But I will not give up". "I must hunt down Indiana Jones and get back what is rightfully mine, because I am a brave and powerful hero"!

Suddenly the ghosts banged the cymballs behind him, and laughed as he took off like a shot, screaming like a bitch until he was through the gate.


	45. The Oracle Knows All

Chris walked all the way back to snowspire, trying to think up a way to explain his failure.

"I could say that I was jumped by summoners". He said to himself. "No, that wouldn't work because the front of my pants are still dry". "I could say that Guildmaster Liquid took the tablets for himself, but that would just get me kicked in the nuts again".

A few minutes later he reached the gates, but as he walked in, he was surprised to find that the whole village was in a mood of celebration.

"What the"? He asked as everyone cheered and ran around.

"The oracle"! A kid screamed as he ran down the street. "The oracle is waking up"!

Chris grabbed the kid by the shirt as he was running past.

"What is this about the oracle"? Chris asked. "What's going on"?

"Hands off, clown"! The kid yelled as he reached into his pocket.

He then busted Chris in the face with his brass knuckles, and kicked him in the ass as he fell over. Once Chris was down, the kid started digging through his pockets.

"That's what you get for being a dick cheese". The kid said as he took Chris's wallet. "Next time I won't be so easy on you".

He then kicked Chris one more time for good measure, and ran off with the money.

"Stop"! Chris gasped. "Thief"!

This just made the people laugh, so Chris dragged himself away.

A few minutes later he was on his feet, and he joined Forest in front of the oracle.

"Behold". Forest said as the oracle shook. "In a few minutes the sacred tablets will cause the oracle to awaken"!

"But how did you get the tablets"? Chris asked. "They were taken by, uh, um...a hundred horrible fiends".

"Oh, Indiana Jones dropped them off a few minutes ago". "Before he left he said something about having to bitch slap a few sissy boys on the way back". "Any idea what he's talking about"?

"Um, uh, no".

Suddenly the oracle's heads gave a mighty roar, and YMCA began playing as they woke up.

"Behold"! Forest yelled. "The oracle awakens"!

"You have awoken me"! The oracle boomed. "And now you are all doomed"!

Chris let out a womanly shriek, and the oracle started laughing.

"Ha ha". It said. "Just kidding, man you should have seen the look on your face". "I am the oracle, and I have slumbered here since the ancient days of 1985". "As a reward for awakening me, I will educate your ignorant asses".

"Great oracle". Forest said. "I seek the answers to two great questions that have plagued me since the beginning of this story".

The oracle just looked at him for a second.

"I can see that you are a true hero". It began. "One who has at one time been pecked to death by crows". "I will answer your questions".

"The first must be". Forest continued. "What is causing this horrible evil that now holds our lands"?

"It is caused by Saddler of blades".

Thunder crashed, and dramatic music played.

"You must solve the mystery of archon's shrine, and face him behind the bronze gate".

"Damn". Forest said. "Well, that sucks". "Anyway, my second question is... where is the nearest white castle"?

"30 miles south".

"AT LAST"! "WHITE CASTLE'S BURGERS WILL BE MINE, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA"!

He then ran out of the village, leaving Chris standing there all alone.

"And now for you". The oracle said. "I can see that you are a good and selfless person, with nothing but goodness flowing from within".

"Well, thank you". Chris replied.

"However, we can also see that you are a little bitch".

Chris hung his head.

"You allow yourself to be monkey-stomped by almost every enemy you come across". It continued. "Hell, you are such a dumbshit that not even we can understand why Liquid didn't kill you years ago".

"But, I". Chris said.

"GET THE FUCK OUT"!

Chris ran out of the village, and found himself in front of some kind of alter.

"Chicken Chaser"! Ada called. "Get your cajin gumbo looking ass over here"!

He ran to the alter, and joined her by some stone rings.

"What are these"? Chris asked.

"I don't fucking know". She replied. "Some kind of soul sucking things".

Suddenly a booming voice filled the air.

"I'M BACK, BITCHES"! Saddler screamed. "YOU MAY HAVE DESTROYED MY SWORD, BUT MY NEW BODY CAN FUCK YOUR WORLD UP"! "AND NOW I'M GOING TO EAT YOU"!

There was a banging sound on the bronze gate, but then it stopped.

"What the"? Saddler asked. "Why won't this fucking door open"?

"Damn"! Ada yelled. "He's back"! "Now the only way in is to get the souls needed to power the gate"!

"Why don't we just leave him in there"? Chris asked.

She looked at him for a second, and then stared laughing.

"Yeah, right". She said. "Like that would ever work". "But seriously, you need to get the first soul". "It's easy, all you have to do is absorb it into the mask".

"So, I just grab someone's soul"? He asked.

She responded to this by kicking him in the nuts.

"No, dipshit". She explained he he fell to his hands and knees. "You need to get the soul of the king of the arena". "Now get to the arena"!

"But, how... He started.

Without another word she pushed him into the cullis gate, and he vanished.

"Someone call the locksmith"! Saddler screamed as he pounded the door. "Hey, this isn't funny"! "HEY"!


	46. The First Soul

Chris stepped out of the cullis gate, and found himself in front of the gate into knothole glade.

"Such a nice place". He said as he walked toward it.

Suddenly the gate flew open, and the guards dragged out a man in a chicken suit.

"This is what you get for showing your face around here". One of the guards said.

They punched him in the stomach a few times, before tossing him into a mud puddle, and walking back into the village.

"Fuckers"! The chicken man yelled as the gate closed.

He pulled himself from the mud puddle, and ripped off the chicken hat, revealing himself to be none other then Leon.

"Assholes"! He continued. "You know what, you can keep your piece of shit town, and you know why"? "Because sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me"!

Suddenly something flew over the gate, and Leon screamed as a dictionary slammed into his face, sending him back down.

There was some laughter from inside the village as Leon dragged himself from the puddle, then Chris ran over to him as he took off the rest of the chicken suit.

"Hey, Leon"! Chris called. "I need to talk to you"!

"What the hell do you want"? Leon asked as he got to his feet.

"What happened to you in there"?

"I got caught stealing a priceless artifact from this town's origin". "Sure they caught me, but I still got it out".

Chris watched as Leon took something out from under his arm. It was a white plastic boul that read: I LOVE KNOTHOLE GLADE.

"That's it"? Chris asked.

"Well, they've only been a village for 15 years". Leon replied. "This is the oldest bowl they had".

"So they beat you up and put you in a chicken suit for that"?

"Sure they beat me up, but I already had the chicken suit on".

"Why"?

Leon just looked at him.

"Well, duh". He said. "It was a disguise". "Think about it, who would suspect a large yellow chicken of doing anything suspicious"? "Christ, sometimes I wonder if Liquid taught you anything at all during your training". "What the hell do you want anyway"?

"Well, I, uh, need your help on a quest". Chris replied.

"What kind of quest"?

"I need the soul of one of the former kings of the arena".

Dramatic music began to play.

"Uh, ok". Leon said. "So, what do you want from me"?

"You and Guildmaster Liquid once won the arena championship, right"? Chris asked.

"Yeah".

"So that would make you both kings of the arena, right"?

"I guess".

Chris suddenly reached into his pocket, and took out Saddler's mask.

"HEE-YAH"! Chris screamed as he aimed it at Leon.

Nothing happened.

"What the"? Chris asked. "Why didn't it take your soul"?

"Soul"? Leon asked. "I gave that away years ago".

"WHAT"?!

"Yeah, Liquid said he needed it in order to ensure that the sun would rise in the east everyday". "So it was my duty as a hero to give it to him".

"Your soul"?

"Yep, small price to pay to make sure that the sun rises in the east".

"But it does that on it's own".

"Damn right, and now you know who to thank"! "As you can see, my deeds as a hero far exceed yours, but you may worship me if you wish".

Chris just looked at him, but didn't have the heart to tell him what Liquid had been really doing with all those souls he was giving to Skorm. Leon's soul had probably become one of the legends of nascar plates that Liquid was so fond of.

"So...". Chris stared. "Where would I find another king of the arena soul"?

"You could fight Liquid". Leon suggested.

"Hmmmmm".

(FLASHBACK)

"You want to fight, huh"? Liquid asked as he grabbed Chris by the hair.

"No, guildmaster"! Chris screamed.

"Obviously you do". "Didn't I tell you what happens to little fuck tards who eat my ice cream"?

"But, guildmaster, I'm lactos intolerent"!

"SILENCE"! "YOUR PLEAS FOR MERCY WILL NOT BE HEARD"! "YOU ARE GUILTY, AND NOW I AM FORCED TO FUCK YOU UP"!

Chris screamed as Liquid held his hair, and began kicking him in the nuts.

(FLASHFORWARD)

"I'd rather not fight him". Chris said. "Any other ideas"?

"Hmmmm". Leon said. "You could check the arena". "There might be one in there".

"Why would one be there"?

"Well, you know how thoes old football players spend their entire old age talking about their glory days"?

"Yeah, it's kind of annoying".

"Well, same concept". "See you later".

Leon started walking away.

"Where are you going"? Chris asked.

"Back to the guild". He replied. "Liquid says he has some underwater scratch and sniff stickers for me to try".

"Oh, good luck with that".

Leon was soon gone, and Chris began running toward the arena.


	47. King Of The Arena

Chris ran as fast as he could to the arena enterance, where he expected to be swarmed by fans. So he was all smiles when he opened the door and entered like a hero.

There was just one problem.

Everyone was dead.

"What the hell"? He asked as he walked toward the arena.

He stepped over a few bodies as he made his way up the hill, and when he reached the door he found that it was covered with blood, and that there were dozens of bodies all around it.

"Well, that's that". He said as he looked around. "No sign of any soul here". "Nope, not at all". "Oh well, time to go".

He turned to leave, but then shreaked as someone grabbed his ankle.

"Thank god you're here, hero"! The survivor yelled as he got up. "He came out of nowhere"! "We didn't have a chance"!

"What are you talking about"? Chris asked as he calmed down. "Who did this"?

"We couldn't understand a word he said"! "Then he screamed a woman's name, and started beating us to death while some oddly inspiring music was playing"! "You've got to stop him, hero"!

Chris knew that this man was right, and that it was his duty to protect the people. But then another look at the door changed his mind.

"I would love to help". Chris said. "But you see I've got this really important mission". "I need to get a king of the arena soul

, and

"Well, you're in luck"! The man exclaimed. "This monster happens to be a former champion of the arena"!

"I thought you said you never saw him before".

"Well, that's what you get for thinking". "But you can make up for it by defeating the monster"!

"But, um, I really need to get going".

"Yes"! "You need to get in there right away"! "Hey everyone, the fool's...er, uh, I mean the hero's going to do it"!

A few other survivors gave a less then happy cheer.

"Wait"! Chris yelled.

"No time, hero"! He replied as he pushed him in. "Good luck"!

They then slammed and locked the door, trapping Chris inside the hall of heros.

"Oh no". He whispered as he looked around. "What am I gonna do now"?

Everything was quiet as he slowly made his way down the hall. After a few moments of nothing happening, he started to hope that the monster already left, and that he could just tell everyone that he chased it off.

Then as if on cue, a summoner grabbed him from behind, and held him while a minion punched him in the stomach.

"You again"?! The minion yelled as the summoner pulled him to his feet. "I swear I've never met anyone who likes getting his ass whooped as much as you do"! "But this time we're gonna fuck you up real good, and Wayne Brady isn't here to save you"!

The minion began punching Chris in the stomach for a few minutes, then stopped when it's arms got tired.

"Hold on a second". The minion said. "We'll start again in a few seconds".

"Why did you attack the arena"? Chris gasped. "Why did you kill thoes people"?

The summoner and the minion looked at eachother, and then started laughing.

"We didn't kill anyone...today". The minion replied. "We work here".

"Then who did this"? Chris asked.

"We'll show you". "Bring him to the ring".

The minion led the way through the waiting area, while the summoner carried Chris.

"Wait"! Chris yelled. "I changed my mind"! "I don't need to know"!

But it was too late. The minion opened the door, and the summoner tossed Chris down into what looked like a boxing ring. The summoner then locked the door, and the minion jumped down into the center of the ring as Chris was getting up.

The stands were full of bandits, undead, minions, and all other kinds of monsters. Then the microphone lowered to the minion, and the crowd cheered.

"Ladies and gentilmen"! The minion began. "Presenting first in the red corner, wearing the villager outfit, I give you the current arena champion, Chris 'Chicken Chaser' Redfield"!

The crowd gave a loud boo, and some of them started throwing vegetables, hitting Chris in the head with a rotten cabbage.

"And presenting the challenger"! The minion continued. "In the blue corner, wearing the white trunks with blue trim, I give you the one and only Italian Stallion...ROCKY BALBOA"!

The crowd cheered with all their might, and Chris turned white as Rocky stepped into the ring.

"Fighters step forward". The minion ordered as they walked up. "Now I want a good clean

Rocky suddenly backhanded the minion, making him scream as he was thrown out into the stands. Then he punched Chris in the face, sending him down. Then referee mario ran into the ring, and started the count.

"1". Mario said. "2-3-4-5-6".

Chris grabbed hold of the ropes, and slowly dragged himself to his feet. He had never been hit so hard in his life. It was time for the hero potion.

"7-8". Mario continued.

Chris was up, and the fight resumed as he took the bottle from under his jacket..

Rocky punched him in the stomach, making the bottle fly from his hand, then Rocky gave him a right to the face, sending him down again as the bottle slid out of the ring.

"1-2-3". Mario counted.

"No"! Chris gasped as the bottle slid away.

"4-5". Mario continued.

This wasn't right, Chris thought as he tried to get up. He was the hero, and it was his duty to defeat this monster-man with or without Liquid's hero potion.

"6-7". Mario contiued.

Using the last of his strength, Chris got to his feet, and once the fight resumed, he screamed like a madman as he charged at his opponent.

Everything moved in slow motion as he pulled back his fist, and slammed it into Rocky's jaw. Then he screamed in pain, and held his hurt hand as he realised that his punch did no damage.

"Oh". Rocky said. "You got me".

Then Rocky threw himself down to the mat, and put his arms behind his head, humming to himself as Mario counted.

"8-9-10". Mario counted. "KO"!

The crowd screamed their rage, and stormed out of the arena, leaving Chris standing there like a dumbass. Then after making sure that everyone was gone, Rocky got up.

"Good job, kid". He said.

"But, how"? Chris asked.

"Sorry I had to beat your ass so hard like that". "But I couldn't throw the fight until you actually got enough balls to hit me". "Thought I was gonna be here all night".

"You threw the fight"?

"Hell, yeah I did". "I figure if I keep losing, then I'll get to stop making those god damn rocky movies". "Oh, well, I guess you can use my soul now". "But there's just one thing first".

He suddenly uppercutted Chris, sending him flying over the ropes.

"That was for thinking you beat me". Rocky said as Chris crashed to the floor. "Now hurry up before I change my mind".

Chris used the mask, and Rocky dissapeared into it.

"1 down". He said as he grabbed the hero potion.

He then hobbled out of the arena, and dragged his broke down ass to the nearest cullis gate.


	48. The Second Soul

Chris stepped through the cullis gate, and walked back up to the shrine in order to put the soul in the slot. But when he got there he found Ada, Forest, and Liquid sitting around a small fire.

"Well, it's about god damn time, Chicken Chaser". Liquid said as Chris reached them. "Quick, give me the marshmellos".

"Marshmello's"? Chris asked.

A horrible fury suddenly filled the guildmaster's face, and Chris sensed danger.

"Oh my fucking god"! Liquid yelled. "You have got to be fucking kidding me"! "You've been gone for hours, and you forgot to get my marshmellos"?!

"But, guildmaster". Chris started.

"SILENCE"! "I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOUR INCOMPETENCE, AND NOW I MUST PUNISH YOU EVEN HARDER THEN EVER BEFORE"!

"But, guildmaster".

"Ada, take this fool to the chamber of 100 tortures, and administer tortures 17 through 51"! "I would give him 52 as well, but the guild seems to be out of strawberry jelly".

"But, guildmaster".

"DON'T INTERUPT ME, BITCH"!

Liquid suddenly kicked Chris in the nuts so hard that he screamed and fell to the floor crying.

"Guildmaster". Ada said. "You didn't send him out for marshmellos".

"What"? Liquid asked.

"You brought thoes yourself, and you already ate them". "That's why you don't have any, and why there is marshmello all over your mouth".

Liquid quickly wiped off his mouth.

"Ok". He said. "But if I didn't send him out for marshmellos, what the fuck is he doing here"?

"I sent him out for the first soul". She replied. "And he seems to have it".

Chris then aimed the mask at the device, and the soul floated into it.

"Wait a second, this can't be". Liquid said as Chris started to get up. "If he got the soul, then that means he did something right". "I don't believe it for a second".

"But guildmaster". Chris said. "I just brought you the soul of Rocky Balboa". "Just listen to it".

"ADRIAN"! The soul suddenly screamed.

"Ok, maybe it is". Liquid continued. "So tell us how you got it".

Chris suddenly beamed with pride, and he knew that this was his chance to impress the guildmaster.

"You should have seen me, guildmaster". Chris began. "I kicked open the arena door, and leaped like a freak into the ring, all the while screaming my battle cry, and driving fear into my opponent's heart". "He was like, please have mercy on me, and I was like, no mercy for you today bitch". "Then I gave him the old one-two, and he was down for the count". "The crowd cheered, women jumped me, and all the men in the area wanted to be just like me". "HA HA, nothing but pure skill over here, baby"!

Liquid just looked at him for a second, before turning to Forest.

"Forest, hand me that newspaper". Liquid said.

Chris turned white as Liquid took the paper, and began to read.

"A-hem". He began. "Rocky Balboa throws fight". "The world was stunned earlier today when heavyweight champion Rocky Balboa threw a fight that was a sure win". "Not only did he pummel his opponent like a silly bitch, but there were rumors that his opponent, known as Chris Chicken Chaser Redfield, was screaming for his mommy while begging for his life". "Continued on page 12".

Chris just stood there with a scared look on his face.

"I'm going back to the guild". Liquid said as he dropped the newspaper. "Ada, you're in charge". "Do whatever you like with this dumbshit".

"Are you off to gather information, guildmaster"? Ada asked.

"No, me and Forest are going back to watch Spongebob Squarepants".

"YEA-HAW"! Forest screamed as he jumped up.

"Are you ready, Forest"?

"Aye, aye, guildmaster"!

"I can't hear you"!

"AYE, AYE, GUILDMASTER"!

"Oooooooooo, who lives in a pineapple under the sea"?

"Spongebob Squarepants"!

"Absorbant and yellow and porous is he"!

"Spongebob Squarepants"!

"If nautical nonsence is something you wish"!

"Spongebob Squarepants"!

"Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish"!

"Spongebob Squarepants"! "Spongebob Squarepants"! "Spongebob Squarepants"! "Spongebooooooooooooob Squarepannnnnnnnnnnnnnts"!

They gave one more cheer and then they ran like fools into the cullis gate, leaving Chris and Ada standing there like idiots.

"That was wierd". Chris said.

"Quit standing around, dumbass". Ada replied. "You need to get the second soul".

"But, what is the second soul"?

"The heroin".

Thunder crashed, and dramatic music played.

"Heroin"? Chris asked. "I don't get it".

"There's a surprise". Ada replied.

"It may be a cool party drug, but how is it going to help us open the gate"?

Ada responded by smacking him in the back of the head.

"Not the drug, dumbass". She said. "The female hero".

"Where are we gonna find one if thoes"? He asked.

"Well, there's me"... "But do you really think you can take my soul without getting all kinds of fucked up in the process"?

"...no".

"That's right, so go to the oakvale graveyard, and take your mother's soul".

"Do what"?!

"No time, you have to hurry"!

She then pushed him into the cullis gate, and he vanished.


	49. The Heroin

Chris stumbled through the cullis gate, and found himself once again in his hometown of Oakvale.

The graveyard was just up the hill, so he started toward it, dreading what he was about to do.

"I can't believe this". He said to himself. "Forced to take my own mother's soul, what kind of son does that make me"?

"If you keep talking to yourself". A passing old woman said. "People are gonna think you're crazy".

"Thanks, that's probably good advice".

"I wasn't talking to you, dick hole".

She then used her pepper spray on his eyes, making him scream as she walked away.

"MY EYES"! He shreaked. "OH GOD IT BURNS"!

He stumbled around for a minute, before tripping over a fence, and landing down on the beach.

A few minutes later his eyes cleared up, and he found himself in front of some kind of game arena.

"Pardin me, sir". A man said. "Could I tempt you to a game of chicken kickin"?

"Huh"? He asked.

"It's simple". "You give me 25 gold, and you can kick my chickens as hard as you want". "Kick them far enough, and win a prize".

"Cool"! "I'm in"!

Chris gave him the gold, and then jumped into the arena where the chicken was waiting.

"Buk, buk". It said.

"Ok". Chris said as he got ready. "Time to let off a little steam". "Prepare to fly, bird"!

He ran forward and kicked with all his might. Unfortionatly the chicken stepped out of the way, and swept his other leg out from under him, making him fall on his ass.

The crowd laughed as Chris quickly got to his feet.

"Buk, buk". The chicken said.

"I see". Chris replied as he got ready again. "You wanna play rough"? "Ok, let's play"!

He kicked again, but this time the chicken did a back flip, catching Chris in the face with it's feet, sending him down again.

Everyone in the crowd was falling over laughing as Chris scooted away.

"What the hell kind of chicken is this"? He yelled.

"Only the best". The game manager replied. "I buy my chickens directly from Jet Li".

Chris started to get up, but the chicken kicked him back down. Then it grabbed his ankles, and he screamed as it started swinging him around faster and faster, until it let go, sending him flying back up the hill.

He crashed hard, and got a mouthful of dirt as he skidded to a stop in front of the graveyard.

"Stupid chickens"! He yelled as he spit out the dirt. "I am so glad that no one I know was there".

"We'll be right back with more chicken kickin after these messages". The announcer said. "Only on Pay Per View".

He hung his head.

A few seconds later he was on his feet, and after deciding that it was time to get his mission over with, he walked into the graveyard.

"Hey, Chris"! Rebecca's voice called. "Chris, over here"!

He walked over to her grave, and saw her ghost standing there.

"Hi, mom". He said. "Did you know that I can see through you"?

"Shut up, dumbass". She replied. "I know what you're here for, but taking my soul out of this place won't be so easy".

"You mean I have to fight you"?

"Don't be silly". "But you may have to fight the new security guard".

"Security guard"?

Suddenly there was a loud stomping sound, so he looked across the graveyard, and gasped as something big and scary walked into view.

"What the hell is that"? He asked.

"Meet our new security guard". Rebecca replied. "ED-209".

"You are trespassing on oakvale property". ED-209 said. "5 seconds remain before I blow your ass to holy hell". "5-4-1".

Chris screamed as dove over a small stone wall as the robot began unloading it's guns on everything in sight. A few seconds later the firing stopped, and he decided to abandon the mission. He could find another soul somewhere else.

He looked around, but didn't see anything, so he started creeping toward the gate.

"Freeze, mother fucker"! ED-209 yelled as it cocked it's guns. "Turn around, and put your hands up"!

Chris stopped, and did as he was told.

"Dance". The robot ordered.

"What"? Chris asked.

He then screamed as ED-209 fired a shot into the ground next to his foot.

"Dance". The robot repeated.

Not wanting to get shot, Chris started doing the swim.

"No, no, no". ED-209 replied. "Dance like Brittney Spears, and sing too".

Chris knew that he had no choice, and he started dancing.

"Hush, just stop". He sang as he danced. "There's nothing you can do or say". "I've had enough, I'm not your property as of today". "You might think that I can't make it, but you're wrong". "Cause now I'm stronger then yesterday"! "Nothing standing up in my way"! "My lonliness ain't killin me no more, cause I, I'm stronger"!

"ENOUGH"! The robot screamed. "You dance good, but you sing like you got a dick in your mouth"! "This leaves me no choice but to blow your head clean out your ass"!

The robot then fired a missile, but Chris once again screamed like a girl as he dove out of the way, making it hit the biggest tree in the graveyard.

"Oh, shit"! ED-209 said as it fell right toward him.

The tree crushed the robot flat, and a few minutes later Chris came out of hiding once he made sure it was safe.

"I can't believe it". Rebecca's ghost said. "You beat him".

"I did"? Chris asked.

Rebecca's soul then flew into the mask, and Chris hurried out of the graveyard, back toward the cullis gate.

Only one more soul to go, and he would be ready to open the gate.


	50. Choices For The Third Soul

Chris came back through the cullis gate, and a few seconds later the second soul was in the slot.

"Two for two". Ada said as she walked up to him. "I was starting to think that I was wrong about you".

"Was"? Chris asked.

"Yeah, right up untill the guildmaster e-mailed me a clip from today's chicken kickin pay per view special".

He hung his head.

"But since you got the soul". She continued. "Your peanlty has been reduced to torture number 16".

Dramatic music played.

"NOOOOOO"! Chris screamed. "Not the nose in the book peanlty"!

She responded to this by picking up a copy of War And Peace, and holding it open toward him.

"Let's go". She ordered. "I'll be gentile".

"Really"? He asked.

"No, but I'll make it worse if you don't hurry up".

He slowly put his face in front of the book, and then he screamed as she slammed it shut on his nose.

"Let that be a lesson to you". She said as he held his nose. "Now it's time to figure out what the last soul is".

They walked over to it, and looked at the designs on the slot. There was a tall glass bottle, a mask, and an angry face.

"OH MY GOD"! Ada screamed. "Do you have any idea what this means"?

Chris looked at the designs for a second.

"Not a clue". He replied.

She smacked him in the back of the head.

"Look at it closely". She said. "The clues mean that we are looking for someone who is angry because they can't find their alcohol". "Either that or a drunk who is always angry and likes to hide his plans". "Do you know who it is"?

"Yes"! "It's none other then Bob Sagat"!

She smacked him again.

"No, dufus". She replied. "The only man I know who fits this description is... Guildmaster Liquid"!

Thunder crashed and dramatic music played.

"The guildmaster"? Chris asked.

"Yes". Ada said. "Liquid's soul is the final piece to the lock, but how the hell are we gonna get it from him"? "I know he's a complete ass clown, but he's really tough". "Looks like we may be out of luck".

Chris put his hands on his hips to think, and that's when he felt the glass bottle under his coat.

"It can be done"! He screamed as he took out the bottle.

"Oh, my god". She replied. "Is that Liquid's special hero potion"? "How the fuck did you get your hands on that"?

"He gave it to me a long time ago to fight Leon". "I have one dose left, and it should make me strong enough to beat him".

He tucked the bottle back under his coat, and turned away.

"I'm off". He said as his hero music started to play. "Wish me luck".

He then started walking, but the music stopped as he slipped on some ice and tumbled down the stairs.

"I'm ok"! He called.

He got to his feet, and his hero music started playing again as he started walking.

Ada could only shake her head as he vanished.

A few seconds later Chris appeared in the maproom, but to his surprise, the guildmaster wasn't there.

"This place is going to shit". A guard said. "People running around with old books and such, and guildmaster Liquid's gone and hold himself up in the guild woods". "But to make matters worse, that pack of crazed starving weezles is about to pounce.

Chris then screamed as the weezles jumped on him, and he fell to the floor squeeling like a little girl.

"OH GOD GET'EM OFF ME"! He shrieked as he rolled around. "GET'EM OFF ME"!

"We found it"! A guild member yelled as he ran into the room. "The third soul"! "It has to be Michael Jackson"!

Chris somehow ended rolling into the fireplace, killing the weezles, but making him scream even louder as he tried to stop drop and roll.

"Should we help him out"? The guild member asked.

"And miss the show"? The guard replied. "This is the most entertainment I've had on the job since Robocop decided to play in the rain".

(FLASHBACK).

"Uh, guys"! Robocop called. "I can't move"!

The guards started laughing as the rusted robot tried to move.

"This isn't funny"! Robocop continued. "Come on, help me out"!

A spit ball suddenly hit his helmet and stuck there.

"Who threw that"? Robocop demanded.

A guard then walked up to him and taped a piece of paper to his metal chest. It read: I FUCK TOASTERS.

"That's real mature, guys"! Robocop continued as the guards laughed even harder. "Now I'm pissed off"!

He began rocking back and forth, but ended up falling on his face as the guards pissed themselves with laughter.

(FLASHFORWARD).

"Yep, thoes were the days". The guard continued.

By this time Chris had put out the fire on himself, and was on his feet.

"Did you say Michael Jackson"? He asked.

"Yeah". The guild member replied. "You can find him in the darkest part of the scariest graveyard in Albian". "And he's sure to be surrounded by scary ghosts, and other things that like to feed on little bitch boys like you".

"Great, I think I'm gonna go and see the guildmaster". "You guys have a good day".

He then ran out of the map room, and across the training field, stopping only when he reached the guild woods enterence.

This was it, the moment of truth. He had the potion, and he needed the guildmaster's soul in order to save the land from the forces of evil.

"I am not a bitch". He told himself. "I am not a bitch". "I am a hero, and now I will prove it".

He turned, and walked right into a spider web, making him scream like a sissy as he swatted at it.

Then after making sure that no one saw that, Chris took a deep breath, and walked into the woods.


	51. Hero Vs Guildmaster

Chris walked through the woods, until he came to the pond where Liquid was fishing.

"Hello, guildmaster". He said.

Liquid looked back at him.

"Chicken Chaser"? He asked. "What the hell are you doing here"?

"I need your soul, guildmaster".

Liquid just looked at him for a second before laughing his head off.

"Good one". He replied. "Now what do you really want"?

"I told you, guildmaster". Chris said. "I am here to kill you and take your soul so that we can open the bronze gate, and defeat Saddler of blades, therefore saving the world from the forces of evil".

"Wow, did you reherse that"?

"...yeah".

Liquid put down his fishing pole, and got to his feet.

"Chicken Chaser". He said. "I'm gonna give you 5 seconds to get out of here before I take a cheese grater to your ass". "What the hell would possess you to make you think that you could ever beat me"?

Chris then took the bottle out from under his coat, and Liquid gasped.

"I see". He said. "And all this time I thought I could trust you". "I didn't realize that you studied under Wesker".

"I have no choice, guildmaster". Chris replied. "This has to be done".

"You ungrateful sack of monkey shit". "After all I've done for you, you go and pull something like this".

"What have you ever done for me"?

"Huh"?

"All you have ever done is pick on me, yell at me, torture me, kick me in the nuts, give me a stupid nickname, and treat me like ass"! "I'm a person too, damn it"! "And now I'm gonna make you pay"!

Liquid shook his head.

"Is that so"? He asked. "Who taught you what little you know about being a hero"? "Who gave you the potion to beat Leon"? "Who broke the barrier for you, and saved you from Wesker"? "Who saved you from Harry Potter"? "I'm dissapointed in you, Chicken Chaser". "In fact this is almost as dissapointing as when I spent that summer driving cross country with my college buddies".

(FLASHBACK)

Thunder crashed and rain poured as the Mystery Machine stopped in front of a spooky old house. Liquid sat listening to his MP3 player in the back with Shaggy and Scooby while Fred and the girls sat up front.

"Please, Scoob, I'm beggin ya". Shaggy said. "Just say something to them so they'll believe me".

"Not here to speak to them". Scooby replied. "Your's is the hand chosen by the master".

"No".

"Yes"! "Bathed in blood, your's is the sword of michael"!

"NO"! "I WON'T KILL FOR YOU"!

Liquid suddenly kicked Shaggy in the face, knocking him over.

"Shut the fuck up while I'm sleepin"! Liquid yelled. "Screamin about talking dogs and shit, you need to lay off the acid, you scrubby little stoner"!

Suddenly the back door opened, revealing that the others were outside.

"Wake up". Fred said. "It's mystery time".

"Fuck your mystery". Shaggy replied. "I'm sick".

Valma then held up a bottle of yellow pills.

"Would you do it for a scooby snack"? She asked.

Shaggy and Scooby ran at them, but she moved the bottle at the last second, making them fall in the mud.

"You too, Liquid". Fred said. "I want you to go in the scary house first".

"Who the fuck do you think your kidding"? Liquid replied. "I ain't goin in there, and I don't work for scooby snacks".

Valma then held up a glass bottle and an aluminum can.

"Would you do it for a Jack 'n Coke"? She asked.

"Ok". He replied as he got up.

(FLASHFORWARD).

"Enough memories"! Chris screamed as he took the cap off the bottle. "I'm taking your soul, and that's that"!

"Then you should know". Liquid replied as he drew his weapons. "That in my left hand I hold the sword known as the harbinger, and in my right hand I hold the magic wand of Harry Potter". "These are the tools with which I will kick your ass".

"Is that all"?

"No, the potion will make you a great hero, but my skills aren't on a time limit". "Can you beat me in a minute and a half"?

"Only one way to find out".

He then drank what was left in the bottle, drew his sword, and flew at Liquid as the hero powers flowed throughout his body.

"Avada kravada"! Liquid yelled as he pointed the wand.

Chris blocked the curse with his sword, and slashed at Liquid, but he blocked with the harbinger, and aimed the wand again.

"Crucuctious"! Liquid yelled.

Chris dodged the curse, and brought his blade down, shattering the wand and burning Liquid's hand.

"What's wrong, guildmaster"? Chris asked as Liquid took a few steps back.

"You broke my wand". Liquid replied as he tossed the remains away. "Now I'm gonna break your face".

He came at Chris with a high swing, and when Chris blocked it, Liquid forced their swords up high, and then jammed his elbow into Chris's face, knocking him onto his back. Liquid then brought his blade down for a stab, but Chris rolled backwards to his feet, and kicked Liquid in the stomach, making him stumble against a large tree stump.

Chris was on him before he could react, so he just barely dodged the blade as it sliced right through the tree stump. Chris sliced again, bringing his blade down hard on Liquid's.

"Die"! Chris yelled as his blade slowly moved toward Liquid's face. "Just die"!

Liquid then reached into his pocket, and took out his bottle of mace. He sprayed it in Chris's eyes, and used his feet to push off of the stump, making them both roll down the hill.

Chris got to his feet first and slashed, but Liquid blocked at the last second. He blocked two more attacks, and then felt a sharp pain as Chris's blade cut across his shoulder.

"Got ya now"! Chris yelled. "HEE YAH"!

He brought his blade down again, but Liquid hooked it with the harbinger and twisted his arms, sending both of their swords flying away from them.

"Kneel"! Liquid yelled as he punched Chris in the back of the knee.

Chris fell on his knees.

"Bow down"! Liquid yelled as he brought his fists down on Chris's back.

Chris fell on his hands and knees.

"Get up"! Liquid yelled as he uppercutted him.

Chris was raised to his feet, and then he stumbled against the stone wall as Liquid got up.

"Very obedient". Liquid said. "Let's try something else".

He moved at Chris, but Chris grabbed a rock and busted him in the head, making him stumble backwards and fall into the pond.

"You're mine now"! Chris yelled as he leaped on Liquid.

He busted him in the head a few more times, and then pushed Liquid's head underwater.

"Die, guildmaster"! He screamed. "DIE, HA HA HA"!

It looked like he was about to win, when Liquid suddenly threw a lightning bolt into the water, electrocuting them both, and throwing them back onto the path.

They both laid there for a second, and then Chris slowly got up. He then grabbed his sword, and started dragging himself toward Liquid, who was just starting to get up.

He was to his hands and knees, when Chris rammed his sword through Liquid's shoulder. Then he grabbed him by the hair, and made him stand up.

"And now, guildmaster". Chris said. "Before you die, I am going to teach you the ultimate lesson... BY KICKING YOU IN THE NUTS"!

He pulled his leg back, and harnessed all of his power for the final blow.

This was it! He was going to defeat the guildmaster!

But then Liquid's micky mouse watch started beeping, and the color drained out of Chris's face as he felt the hero powers fade away.

"I, uh, I". Chris started.

"I believe that this is yours". Liquid replied.

He then pulled the sword out of his shoulder, and jammed it into Chris's leg, making him scream like a bitch. Then he grabbed Chris by the hair, and kicked him in the nuts.

"You had me". Liquid said as he kept kicking. "But you had to be a dumbass and waste your last few seconds gloating". "Not only that, but instead of using the hero potion to beat Saddler or something, you wasted it on me".

He continued to kick him in the nuts for a few minutes, and then he dragged him to the guild woods enterance.

"Now get the fuck out of my sight". Liquid continued. "And go get that third soul, you little fuck tard".

He then gave Chris a swift kick in the ass, then walked back over to his fishing spot as Chris rolled down the hill and out of the woods.

"What happened"? The guard asked as Chris came to a stop.

"I've changed my mind". Chris replied. "I think I'll get the soul from Michael Jackson".

"Very nobel, sir". "Let me help you with that sword".

The guard suddenly yanked the sword out of Chris's leg, making him scream like a girl.

"Here you go, sir". He said as he held out the sword.

Chris then put the sword back in it's sheath, and started dragging himself back toward the guild.


	52. Escort The Prisoner

After dragging himself back into the guild, and recieving hours of intense healing, Chris walked out the main door, and headed toward bowerstone.

"Ok". He said to himself. "One more soul to go". "All I have to do is go back into that scary ass graveyard and get it from Michael Jackson". "How hard could that be"?

As he walked through the bowerstone gate, he decided that he needed something to take his mind off of his recent defeat at the hands of the guildmaster. Let's see, he could get drunk at the tavern, he could try to get laid...

That's when he saw a traveling bard with a guitar heading toward him.

"Or". He said to himself. "I could pay that guy to sing a song of my heroic deeds".

He ran toward the bard, thinking that he was going to get a great song, but to his surprise, the bard swung his guitar like a baseball bat, and shattered it over Chris's head, knocking him on his ass.

"OW"! Chris screamed. "Why would you do that"?!

"You wanna run up on me, huh"? The bard replied as he grabbed a second guitar. "You like to rob people, do ya"?

"NO"! "It's not like that"!

The bard then shattered the second guitar ofer his head.

"Don't fucking yell at me". The bard said as he got a third guitar. "So if you don't want to rob me, what do you want"?

"I just wanted a song". Chris replied.

"Oh, is that all"? "No problem".

He then broke the third guitar over Chris's head.

"OW"! Chris screamed. "I said I just wanted a song"! "Why would you hit me again"?!

"Because the guitar was already in my hand, silly". The bard replied. "It would have been a waste, but if you want to yell at me, I should warn you that I have 10 more guitars".

"No, no, I'm sorry". "I just want the song".

"Very well".

A musical note then played.

"He saved the boy from the hobbes". The bard began. "But the grandma turned out to be a witch". "So our hero turned and ran away, because he is a bitch".

"Hey, wait a second". Chris began.

He then screamed as another guitar was broken over his head.

"Don't interupt me". The bard ordered. "Now, where was I"? "Oh, yes".

A musical note played.

"He drank the potion in one gulp". He continued. "To make him stronger and faster". "But as you can see it did not help, and he was whooped by the guildmaster".

Another musical note played.

"To Avo's temple our hero did go". He continued. "Where it was bright and sunny". "But then his luck turned for the worse, when the priest took all his money".

A final musical note played, and the song was over.

"Now give me 200 gold". The bard demanded.

"200 gold"? Chris asked. "But each song was only supposed to be 10 gold".

"That's true, but your goofy ass also broke 4 of my guitars".

"You did that yourself".

"You want to make it 5, smartass"?

"No, no, here's your money".

Chris handed him the gold, and then the bard stepped on his hand as he was walking away.

"Stupid musical asshole". Chris grumbled as he got to his feet.

A few people snickered at him as he walked through the gate into bowerstone north. But once the gate closed he thought his troubles were over, and that was when the guards surrounded him.

"I DIDN'T DO IT"! Chris screamed.

"Relax, hero". The guard replied. "We need you for a job".

Chris sighed with relief.

"What kind of a job"? He asked.

"The kind that involves you getting our prisoner up to headman's hill alive". He replied. "Just go out the gate, and the other guards will fill you in".

The guards walked away, and Chris ran toward the gate.

Another quest. This was just what he needed to redeam himself after losing so badly. Yes, a success here would mean that he was in fact a hero, and no one would remember how bad he got his ass stomped. Plus he was going that way anyway.

He exited the gate, and saw two guards with a prisoner.

"Oh good, a hero". Monty said. "I got a good feeling about this".

"Didn't you also have a good feeling about beta decks"? Clem asked. "And look how that turned out".

"Ok, so I was wrong once". "But this time we have a hero with us".

"Didn't you also have a good feeling about the first season of Joey"? "And that was a disaster".

"Anyway, let's get down to business". "I will be in the front, Clem here will be in the back, and you, hero, will walk right in front of the prisoner".

"Sounds good". Chris replied. "So I'm guessing that this will be a pretty quiet assignment".

Monty and Clem looked at eachother for a second, and then started laughing.

"Are you kidding"? Monty asked. "This is the most dangerous job we will ever have". "Why, just look what happened to the last two guards that did this".

"What happened to the last guards"? Chris asked.

Monty pointed up the hill, and when Chris looked he saw two burned bodies wearing guard uniforms tied to a stake on a large fire.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris screamed.

"Alright". Clem said. "Let's get a move on".

They lined up, and started walking.

A few minutes later they passed a small cottage, and some bandits came charging toward them.

"Protect the prisoner"! Monty exclaimed as he and Clem drew their swords.

Chris instantly spring into action, drawing his sword, and bringing it back hard for a powerful swing. But when he tried to pull it forward, it stuck on something, so he pulled harder, and when the sword swung, something flew off of the blade, and struck the bandit in the chest, knocking him down.

It was a human head.

The bandit screamed as he tossed it aside, and Chris turned around just in time to see the now headless prisoner collapse to the ground.

"This guy's sick"! The bandit yelled. "Retreat"!

The bandits ran away screaming, and the two guards walked up to Chris.

"Good job, hero". Monty said. "Now we're gonna get fired".

Chris expected to get his ass beat, but nothing happened. He had fucked up horribly, but they didn't seem to want to hurt him.

"We understand that it was the only way to scare off the bandits". Clem added. "You saved us with your quick thinking".

"Yes". Chris replied. "My thinking was so quick that even I didn't know what was going on".

They cheered for him for a second, and then walked back to bowerstone as Chris continued up the path toward the cemetary.


	53. The Oldest Soul

Chris was feeling down as he walked through gibbet woods, so he decided to sing to himself as he neared the graveyard.

"Oh, chicken go cluck cluck". He sang as he walked. "Cow go moo". "Piggy go oink oink, how about you"?

Something moved in the trees above him so he stopped for a second and listened.

"Tweet, tweet". Said a small bird.

"Caw, caw". Said a crow.

"I'm a birdy, too". Said a voice.

Satisfied that nothing was wrong, Chris continued on his way.

"Sparrow go tweet tweet". Chris continued. "Horsy go neigh". "Doggy go ruff ruff, what do you say"?

Suddenly something let out a kamakazzi scream as it leaped at him from up in the trees. Unfortionatly the attacker was off by two feet, so he landed right in front of Chris with a hurtful sounding thud.

"I'm ok". A fimiliar voice said.

"Leon"? Chris asked. "What the hell are you doing"?

Leon slowly got to his feet and brushed the dirt off of himself.

"At the guild we call it an ambush". He replied. "And now that I have successfuly distracted you by throwing myself on the ground like a dumbshit, I will capture you".

He lunged at Chris, but slipped on the loose dirt, and ended up falling face first into a pile of deer pellets.

"I think there's some deer around here". He said as he spit one out.

"Why do you want to capture me"? Chris asked as Leon got back up.

"Because you stole everything from me". "You took the guildmaster's favor, lady ashford's love, my title of king of the arena, and you even turned my own sister against me and drove her to run away".

"Ok, Leon". "The guildmaster has always hated you, lady ashford turned out to be a man, you were only king of the arena because the guildmaster needed a decoy, and for the last time JILL IS NOT YOUR FUCKING SISTER"!

"Enough of your nonsence"! "Fight to the death"!

Leon ran at him, and they began slapping at eachother. Then he grabbed Chris's hair, and Chris grabbed Leon's hair. They both screamed as they pulled eachother's hair, and a few seconds later they pushed apart from eachother.

"You learn the technique well". Leon said. "You are a worthy opponent".

"Then we should join forces". Chris replied. "And with our combined skills we will be unstoppable".

Leon just looked at him for a second.

"My god". He said. "That idea is just crazy". "Imagine us working togather". "It's the craziest thing I've ever heard". "In fact it's so crazy that it... just... might... work".

"So does that mean that we can stop fighting"?

"Sure, why not". "What kind of quest are we on anyway"?

"We have to go in there".

Chris pointed, and Leon gasped as he saw lytchfield graveyard. Thunder crashed, dramatic music played, and the sound of groaning zombies filled the air.

"And why are we going in there"? Leon asked.

"Because I have to get the soul of Michael Jackson". Chris replied.

"I'm sorry I asked.

They took their time walking toward the graveyard, but when they got there no one was around.

"Hey". Chris said. "What gives"?

"Oh, thank god"! A guard said. "Not one, but two heros"!

"What's going on"? Leon asked. "Where did all the dead guys go"?

"Oh, they aren't in the main graveyard". The guard replied. "They are in there".

The guard pointed at what had to be that scariest doorway that they had ever seen.

"Well, let's go". The guard said as he grabbed them by the arms.

"Hold on a second". Chris replied as they were lead up the stairs.

"Good, you got the heros". Another guard said. "Well, you boys are braver then me". "I sure as hell wouldn't want to go in there". "Sounds like the dead are having a war". "Reckon they'll try to eat the first piece of live flesh they come across". "Well, good luck".

The guards pushed them through, and locked the door behind them. Then being the true heros that they were, Chris and Leon began banging on the door while screaming to be let out.

"It's no good". Chris said as they stopped. "We're trapped in here".

"This is all your fault". Leon replied.

"My fault"?

"Ha, you admit it"! "You masterminded this from the start so that we could be trapped in here with the undead"! "The only part I havent figured out yet is why".

"My god". "It's such a deep and complicated plan that I don't even understand it". "So, what do we do now"?

"You come with us". A raspy voice replied.

They turned around, and screamed as they were grabbed by dozens of undead.

"I don't wanna die"! Leon screamed as they were dragged away. "Kill him instead"!

"Where are you taking us"? Chris demanded.

"The master wants to see you". The undead replied.

The zombies dragged them down the path, over the bridge, and up to some very large doors.

"Open up". The zombie said. "We have the two mortals".

The large doors lit up, and then slid open to reveal a large round area with a strange stone slab in the center. Chris and Leon were dragged up to the slab, and then dropped in the dirt as music began to play.

"Welcome to the circle of the dead". A voice said. "Make yourselves at home".

Suddenly everything lit up, and they saw Michael Jackson standing in the center of the slab.

"Oh my god"! Chris and Leon gasped.

"So". Michael continued. "You boys are here doing a little soul searching, huh"? "Well, normally we would just kill and eat you, but since you helped me get my gear back, I'm gonna give you a sporting chance". "If you win, you get my soul".

"But what if we lose"? Leon asked.

"Then you die a horrible death not unlike in the movie Saw". "Now try your best, but this won't be easy because you gotta have soul to get my soul".

"What do you mean"? Chris asked.

"I challenge you to a dance off".

Dramatic music played.

"A dance off"? Chris asked.

"Yes". Michael replied. "I'm gonna dance and sing to one of my songs". "Then you both get a chance to beat me with whatever song you want". "Simple enough for you"? "Good, I'll go first".

The song Bad began to play, and Michael started dancing.

"Your butt is mine". He began while he danced. "Gonna take you right". "just show your face in broad daylight". "I'm tellin you on how I feel". "Gonna hurt your mind, don't shoot to kill". "Come on, come on, lay it on my alright". "I'm giving you to the count of three, to show your stuff or let it be". "I'm tellin you just watch your mouth, because I know your game, what you're about".

Chris and Leon's jaws dropped as they saw how good he was. How in the hell were they supposed to beat this guy"?

"Well they say the sky's the limit". Micheal continued. "And to me that's really true". "But my friend you ain't seen nothing, just wait till I get through". "Because I'm bad"! "I'm bad, you know it"! "Really really bad"! "And the whole world knows that I'm bad and I'm proud, let me tell you once, who's bad?

The music stopped, and the undead began clapping and cheering.

"Thank you". Michael said as he stepped off the slab". "Thank you, thank you". "Who's next"?

Chris and Leon pointed at eachother.

"Leon Kennedy". Michael said as he pointed. "You will go first". "Just think of your song, and the music will start".

Leon turned white as he walked to the center of the square, then the spotlight came on, and some music began to play.

"Love, exciting and new". Leon began. "Come aboard, we're expecting you". "Love, life's sweet reward". "Let it flow, it flows back to you". "THE LOVE BOAT"! "SOON WE'LL BE MAKING ANOTHER RUN"! "THE LOVE BOAT"! "PROMISES SOMETHING FOR EVERYTHING FOR EVERYONE"!

Suddenly the undead started booing, and throwing things at Leon, forcing him run from the slab and take cover behind a close gravestone.

"Too bad". Michael said as the booing stopped. "Chris Redfield, you're next".

Chris slowly got up, and walked to the center of the slab. Then the spotlight came on, and music began to play.

"It's not unusual to be loved by anyone". Chris sang as he began doing the Carlton. "It's not unusual to have fun with anyone". "So when I see you hanging about with anyone". "It's not unusual to see me cry". "Oh, I wanna die".

The undead once again began booing and throwing things, forcing Chris to take cover behind the same stone as Leon.

"Tough break, boys". Michael said. "But you don't seem to have enough soul". "But that's ok, you can join us after your horrible and unnessessarily violent deaths, and party forever".

The undead started walking slowly toward them.

"What do we do"? Chris asked.

"Ok, here's the plan". Leon replied. "Step one is to shit my pants, and since step one is now complete, we need to come up with step 2".

They screamed as the zombies got closer, and then a glass bottle shattered on the ground between them and the scared heros.

"What the"? Michael asked as they looked around.

Then they saw someone standing at the top of the stairs.

"I hope that you bitches don't think this is over". Liquid said as he walked down the stairs. "Because we got one more player in this little game".

"And who would that be"? Michael asked.

"Me, Guildmaster Liquid".

The undead cleared a path as he walked toward the slab, and he pushed Michael out of the way as he walked to the center.

"You want soul"? Liquid asked as the spotlight came on. "I'll give you all the soul you can handle". "5, 6, 7, 8"!

Fast music began to play and Liquid started right into it.

"Girl, a woman with a check, please". He began. "She's into superstition, black cats and voodoo dolls". "I feel a preminition, that girl's gonna make me fall". "She's into new sensations, new kick in the candle light". "She's got a new addiction, for every day and night". "She'll make you take your clothes off and go dancing in the rain". "She'll make you live her crazy life, and she'll take away your pain, like a bullet through your brain"! "Come on"! "Inside outside out, livin la vita"! "She'll push and pull you down, livin la vita loca"! "Livin la vita loca, she's livin la vita loca, whooo"!

The undead began clapping and cheering as Liquid bowed, and basked in his own greatness.

"Mother fuckers"! Michael screamed as he barged onto the slab. "You think you can out do me, huh"?

"No thinking involved". Liquid replied. "I just did it".

Michael fumed with rage, and the undead became silent as they stepped back.

"Then one final round". Michael announced. "You and I will dance to a song at the same time, and the first one to fuck up loses".

"You got it". Liquid replied. "What song"?

"Thriller".

Dramatic music played.

"Hit it". Michael ordered.

The music to Thriller began to play, and they began dancing to it.

"It's close to midnight". They began. "And something evil's lurking in the dark". "Under the moonlight, you see a sight that almost stops your heart". "You try to scream, but fear takes the sound before you make it". "You start to freeze, as terror looks you right between the eyes, you're paralyzed". "Cause this is thriller"! "Thriler night"! "And no one's gonna save you from the beast about to strike"! "Yes this is thriller"! "Thriller night"! "You're fighting for your life inside a killer thriller tonight"!

The music continued as they began dancing all around the area, back and forth with the undead. But then just before the second verse was about to start, Liquid dove at Chris, grabbed the mask, and shoved it right into Michael Jackson's face.

"NOOOOO"! He screamed as he was sucked in. "YOU CHEATER"!

An instant later he vanished into the mask, and all of the undead vanished. Then Liquid fell to his knees, completely out of breath.

"Silly ass". He said as he tossed the mask back to Chris. "Thinking that I would follow the rules".

Chris put the mask back under his coat, then he and Leon walked over to him.

"Guildmaster, you saved us". Chris said. "Even after I tried to kill you".

"That was weeks ago". Liquid replied as he got to his feet. "But don't get all mushy on me, I just happen to hate Michael Jackson just a little bit more then I hate you two".

"What do we do now, guildmaster"? Leon asked.

"You can put this rubber glove over your head, and inflate it with your nose".

Leon took the glove, put it over his head, and started blowing as hard as he could, passing out after three breaths.

"That was fun". Liquid continued. "Now we need to get that soul to the shrine, so that we can whoop some Saddler ass".

Liquid then took the glove off of Leon's head and kicked him in the ribs, waking him up.

"Let's go, numb nuts". He said as he started walking.

"Where are we going"? Leon asked as Chris helped him up.

"To the cullis gate". Chris replied.

"Oh, ok".

The three of them then began walking out of the graveyard.


	54. The Final Battle

Ada and Forest were already waiting at the shrine as Liquid, Chris, and Leon stepped out of the cullis gate.

"I see that you found them in time". Forest said as they walked up the stairs.

"Yeah, I got there in time". Liquid replied. "Although I was hoping to be just a little late".

"Did you get the soul"?

"Sure did". "Chicken Chaser, put it in the mechanism".

"The guildmaster did a ricky martin dance". Leon added. "And I blew up a glove with my nose".

Liquid smacked him in the back of the head as Chris walked up to the final slot.

"This is it". He said. "This is the final key that will open the final lock so that we may fight the final evil to achieve final victory". "The path to my destiny has been long and trying, but I have learned much, and now it is time to

Liquid suddenly interupted him by kicking him in the nuts and taking the mask. Then he held it up, and the soul floated into the slot.

"Oh, my bad". Liquid said as Chris tried to get up. "I thought you were finished". "Don't ever waste my time with stupid speaches ever again or I really will take a cheese grater to your goofy lookin ass".

Once the soul was in place there was a loud click, and the bronze gate slowly swung open.

"What do you think is in there"? Chris asked.

"God only knows what horrors you will face beyond that gate". Forest said. "Most likely some kind of horrible flesh eating monster that loves nothing more then to wipe it's ass with heros like you". "I'm talking something so terrible that it makes sane men shit themselves and scamper for the trees". "A monster so nasty and violent that it would make the writers of Saw cringe and say things like: oh my god, how could something like that be allowed in a movie"?

"Well that's great". Leon said. "But I gotta go".

He turned to run, but Forest and Ada grabbed him, and pushed him back to his spot.

"Only one hero may pass through thoes gates". Ada said. "And since I'm a woman, Forest is already dead, Liquid is head of the guild, and Leon is way beyond hopeless, that leaves you because you are only semi-hopeless".

Chris hung his head as he started walking toward the gate.

"Fuck this". Liquid suddenly said. "We are all going".

"WHAT"?! Ada, Forest, and Leon yelled.

"You heard me". "All of us are going because I know that Chicken Chaser fucks up anything that he does alone".

He started pushing them down the path.

"But only one can go through". Ada reminded him. "It is written".

"I failed the written". Liquid replied. "Sorry, but I'm not going to leave the safety of the world in that moron's hands".

Eventualy they stopped resisting, and walked down the path until they reached the open gate.

"But I can't go in there". Forest argued. "I don't have a weapon".

Liquid tossed him the harbinger.

"What about you"? He asked.

"I have this"! Liquid exclaimed as he took skorm's bow off his shoulder. "Now everybody in"!

They all slowly entered the gate, and found themselves in a small area that was surrounded by a river of lava.

"Welcome, my friends". Saddler said as he stepped out into view. "I was wondering how long it would take you to show up, seeing how you wasted so long on your quest for the souls". "I would have come out myself, but it was only recently that I discovered the sign on this side of the door that said: PULL".

"You opened it"? Chris asked. "But then what did the souls do"?

"They make pretty lights on the shrine".

They all looked back, and saw that there were now blinking christmas lights all over the shrine.

"But anyway, I must go". Saddler continued. "I have a world to destroy, and that can be a bitch if you don't do it right".

"Think again, Saddler". Liquid said as he drew back skorm's bow.

He aimed at his chest and fired, but Saddler caught the arrow, and tossed it back, hitting Forest in the head, and dropping him like a ton of bricks.

"OH MY GOD"! Leon screamed as he knelt down by Forest. "HE'S DEAD"! "DO YOU HEAR ME"?! "HE'S DEAD BECAUSE SADDLER SHOT HIM WITH AN ARROW"!

"Um, Leon". Ada said. "Forest was dead this whole time".

"Huh"?

"Remember, he was pecked to death by crows". "You were there when it happened".

"Someone get this arrow out of my head, please"! Forest yelled, making Leon scream and jump back.

"Fools". Saddler continued as they got up. "As entertaining as you are, I'm afraid that I must end this little meeting so that I may get on with my life, and so that you all may enjoy your extremely grusome death".

Everyone's jaws then dropped as Saddler transformed into a giant fire breathing dragon.

"Well, there's something you don't see everyday". Leon said. "I'm gonna go tell everyone I know".

He then ran back toward the gate.

"I'll help you spread the word"! Forest replied.

"Me too"! Ada, Liquid, and Chris replied.

They all ran toward the gate, but it slammed and locked just before they got there.

"LET US OUT"! They screamed as they pounded on the door. "SOMEONE LET US OUT"!

"I don't wanna die"! Leon yelled. "Think of my family"!

"You don't have a family"! Liquid replied.

"Oh, that's right". "But I still don't wanna die"!

The dragon suddenly took a deep breath, and spewed fire toward them.

"SCATTER"! Ada screamed.

They all dove for cover, except for Forest, who didn't see it coming until the last second. The blast engulfed him, and when it stopped, he was burned to a crisp.

"Did you order original recipe or extra crispy"? Forest asked just before collapsing.

"1 down". Saddler laughed as he searched. "4 to go". "And just where do you think you are running to, guildmaster"?

"Oh, shit"! Liquid yelled as he ran faster.

But the dragon was already on him, so he turned around and tossed a bolt of lightning up Saddler's nose, making the dragon sneeze. It sneezed so violently that the blast of air sent Liquid flying into the wall, knocking him out cold.

"Little bastard". Saddler said as he rubbed his nose. "Hit me right in the sinus".

"YEAH"! Ada cheered. "Please tell me that he's dead"!

"Sure he is, in fact let me send you to the other side in order to make sure".

Saddler then whacked her with his tail, knocking her through the air, and making her crash into another wall.

Meanwhile Chris and Leon were hiding behind a large rock that was behind the dragon.

"I guess it's just us now". Chris said. "You stay here, I'm gonna sneak up on him, and give him a chop with my sword". "It is my duty as a hero to keep the fight going, and I know it is my destiny to destroy this creature".

"Good idea". Leon replied. "You fight the monster, and I'll run away, er, uh, go for help".

Chris crept out from behind the rock, and slowly made his way toward the dragon. Closer and closer he came, until he was only about four feet from the beast. This was it, this was his chance to be a true hero and save the world.

He slowly raised his sword for the attack, but then the dragon farted, and it was so ranuchy that Chris dropped his sword, and passed out.

"Gotta love thoes enchaladas". Saddler said as he felt the pressure in his stomach released. "Sorry about that, little guy". "I guess I don't know my own strength HA HA HA"!

Now there was only Leon, and being the true hero that he was, he decided to run for it.

"Now, let's see". Saddler said as he looked around. "1, 2, 3, 4... I seem to be missing... oh, there you are".

He reached down, and Leon screamed like a girl as the dragon lifted him into the air.

"Mmmmm". Saddler said. "All this killing has made me hungry".

Leon kept screaming as Saddler lifted him over his head, and opened his great mouth. It looked like the end, but then a bag of m&m's slid out of Leon's pocket, and went down Saddler's throat.

"MY PEANUT M&M'S"! Leon screamed.

Suddenly the dragon began to gasp and cough.

"Not... m&m's"! Saddler gasped. "Allergic... to... peanuts... and... chocolate"!

He gasped a few more times, and then the giant beast fell, dropping Leon on a rock, knocking him out.

Saddler was defeated, and his soul flew back into the mask.

Chris was the first to wake up, and when he got to his feet, he found the mask, and picked it up.

"Wear me"! It rasped.

"OH MY GOD"! Chris screamed. "IT TALKED"!

This scared him so bad that he dropped the mask into the lava river.

"NOOOOOO"! Saddler screamed as the mask melted.

It was a battle that would be talked about for centurys. The day that the five heros stood against the dragon Saddler of blades, and the creature behind the mask was finally killed off.

It was true that no one was sure of what happened to cause the dragon's death, but the media decided that the hero was somehow responsible because he was the main character of this story. He went on to have many more misadventures throughout his life.

The other hero tried to pass off some outragous story about a bag of peanuts, and was forced to become the village idiot of bowerstone. Although for some reason he believed that he was the sherriff.

The heroin started doing heroin, and became a bandit. She pillaged and plundered many villages before being captured. But she was captured by the hero so she just beat his ass and escaped again and again and again.

And as for the guildmaster, he decided to write down this entire adventure and make a fucking fortune selling the book. He squandered the money on cheap alcohol, but the book survived, and that is what you just finished reading.


End file.
